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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 395)

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Common Application - Election Speech

4 - This is what I mean how the conclusion for the other essay should be. Although, I do recommend to...

Undergraduatemacca - Sep 19, 2009 / jemma2011 - Sep 24, 2009
My Meaningful Experience - UF Admission Essay

3 - Thanks for the help. Should I revise my entire conclusion or just the part you quoted?...

Undergraduatekl24 - Sep 24, 2009 / kl24 - Sep 24, 2009
Pomona supplemental essay/Does the essay capture the experience vividly enough

6 - I realize what you meant -- I was just pointing out that this is a usage of the term...

Undergraduatemia7 - Sep 21, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 24, 2009
Diversity Essay (AIDS Patient) - U of Michigan App

4 - you should say 'i had never knowingly touched someone with aids' b.c. im sure u may have before u...

Undergraduatediiiia - Sep 21, 2009 / tal105 - Sep 24, 2009
business and technology for China (educational interests and goals - UMN)

5 - Thanks, I know, I will provide some more specific examples, like hte "solar power panal", etr......

Undergraduatezealzou - Sep 19, 2009 / zealzou - Sep 24, 2009
Not sure if this essay can be used for this prompt so.. let me know! (:

5 - Bear in mind that intelligence, of any kind, is really only the ability to recognize relationships. This may give...

Undergraduatepcvrz34g - Sep 23, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 24, 2009
"Bump in the road" - unexpected, tragic

14 - A very moving story. And it shows that you will be a strong student who will contribute to the...

Undergraduatesurfskateskim - Sep 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 24, 2009
'diverse curriculum' - evergreen supplement

2 - You have the rudiments of a good essay here, but you will need to organize them into a coherent...

Undergraduatebhumia - Sep 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 23, 2009
Works of Salinger (CommonApp main essay for Sarah Lawrence College)

4 - I rewrote it and added something to make it tight, and also solved the punctuation problem. Don't know this...

Undergraduatepulp - Sep 22, 2009 / pulp - Sep 23, 2009
"a last memory with my great-grandma" - Personal Statemet--Input?

3 - your essay is definitely very touching. and although you dont necessarily talk about you as a person that much,...

Undergraduatekaymm - Sep 22, 2009 / stern22 - Sep 22, 2009
"Soccer" - comments/suggestions on common app short answer

8 - yeah i really like your idea...it's not cheesy...it's a good topic. however, your sentences are a little too short....

UndergraduateMegan - Sep 22, 2009 / stern22 - Sep 22, 2009
Evaluating the same essay? Common App Transfer Essay Inquiry.

6 - Excuse me for being dense, but are you implying that I can write up a personalized essay for the...

Undergraduateenycezbebe - Sep 22, 2009 / enycezbebe - Sep 22, 2009
I have always been one to try something new, especially involving music

2 - write out the 25. I totally disagree with tkkt1. Unless it's significant you always write out the number. unless...

Undergraduatesmt1192 - Sep 22, 2009 / pcvrz34g - Sep 22, 2009
"moved to Champaign from Nepal" - your decision to apply for transfer

9 - thank you guys:D...

Undergraduatebhawanashrestha - Aug 19, 2009 / bhawanashrestha - Sep 22, 2009
"To stand out among 40,000+ students" - umich diversity essay

5 - Thanks guys. You've been a great help. I think I'm going to re-do the whole essay and use a...

Undergraduaterimafadlallah - Sep 21, 2009 / rimafadlallah - Sep 22, 2009
"I'm like a lot of things" - Is this good? UCF/Tufts

6 - Topic is interesting. But I think the certain "quality" you want to convey is not THAT clear....

Undergraduatecatherineb - Sep 20, 2009 / mike920125 - Sep 22, 2009
Why I want to teach

4 - that's a bit repetitious. Remember, not only-but also. So it should read I learned to see...

Undergraduatebrittschissler - Sep 21, 2009 / pcvrz34g - Sep 21, 2009
"difficult situations to test" - Vires, Artes, Mores, FSU addmission essay

11 - The only way my family and I could get through this; iswas if we did it together. ...

Undergraduatesaco - Sep 20, 2009 / pcvrz34g - Sep 21, 2009
"UCF is my first choice" - just need some advice.

4 - The thing is, there really isn't a huge reason I want to go besides A. Some friends go there...

Undergraduatehelgoth11 - Sep 21, 2009 / helgoth11 - Sep 21, 2009
"The future / Community service" - U of I Short essays

6 - These are stronger. You could make them even better if you tried replacing some of the weak verbs you...

Undergraduatedfudali - Sep 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 21, 2009
"the normal family"+"working at camps" - UC prompt #1 & 2

3 - I agree, the essays were both beautifully written but the conclusions doesn't really tie in with the essays! Other...

Undergraduateachoy014 - Sep 20, 2009 / omarxcore - Sep 21, 2009
"to expand these values" - Florida State Entrance Essay

5 - I agree with the other feedback. Those reading these applications know what the prompt is and what the words...

Undergraduateseanylax21 - Sep 18, 2009 / heddergirl723 - Sep 21, 2009
educational and personal goals - UNCW Wilmington Essay

2 - I like this metaphor a lot. However, the rest of the essay is weak. When it comes down...

Undergraduatelaurn1020 - Sep 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 21, 2009
Initial Florida State Essay - content only

3 - waaaay too vague. what are these difficult choice you have faced? what specific incidents have tested your moral fiber?...

Undergraduatemroth2 - Sep 20, 2009 / SeeHerFly - Sep 21, 2009
"How did you get caught?" - University of Chicago Supplemental Essay

3 - Well, my goal was actually to describe how Joanne functioned more as a dose of reality. I didn't mean...

UndergraduateLunacy - Sep 20, 2009 / Lunacy - Sep 21, 2009
World you came from, personality - UC Prompt #1 & #2

7 - Redid the first prompt: I'm not sure how I should end it though. I decided to write about a...

Undergraduatekloud - Sep 20, 2009 / kloud - Sep 21, 2009
Rice U Essay - My Passion for Change

3 - Ok, I will add more on how I am going to contribute to the Rice Univesity. Thanks for your...

Undergraduatelichy1207 - Sep 20, 2009 / lichy1207 - Sep 20, 2009
penn state personal statemet - checking content and shortening essay

2 - What you need is to add details. A 1200 character essay should include more imformation and description, right? Just...

Undergraduatejplax911 - Sep 20, 2009 / mikowoo - Sep 20, 2009
MIT Essay - Use of Creativity (Fashion)

3 - Thanks for your help! Another concern of mine is: am I telling too much, instead of showing?...

Undergraduate2010szhou - Sep 20, 2009 / 2010szhou - Sep 20, 2009
Chinatown Beautification Day - Common App: Significant Experience

2 - lol I was going to write about Chinatown Beautification Day too XD We had to clean a park. But...

UndergraduateLi82092 - Sep 20, 2009 / BoNyKiD07 - Sep 20, 2009
" The impact my parent's divorce" - UCF- hopefully original

5 - thanks for the feedback! I rewrote it and tried to show my feelings a little more, please tell me...

Undergraduateelanners - Sep 20, 2009 / elanners - Sep 20, 2009
Diagnosed with (ITP) +an underprivileged household - UCF Admission Essays

5 - I must disagree because every sentence in your second essay is generic and will be similar to the essays...

Undergraduatehazelc - Sep 20, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 20, 2009
"the bustling cafe" - Common App- Significant Experience

2 - so you're writing an essay where you had to see an essay writing tutor? this could be thought...

Undergraduatedancer2010 - Sep 20, 2009 / laurn1020 - Sep 20, 2009
Common App Essay for Cornell about Myself?

14 - Hehe.. maybe nothing will happen.. so try to remember something.. even if you were young...

UndergraduateBoNyKiD07 - Sep 13, 2009 / Mayada - Sep 20, 2009
Common app essay about AMERICAN CREAM PUFFS!

14 - In the paragraph about Edna, make sure you mention that she scooped snow into her hands. It sounds like...

Undergraduatecreampuffs - Sep 12, 2009 / dancer2010 - Sep 20, 2009
"I will never forget my mother" - UCF undergrad essay.

4 - Try to vary your sentence structure and length. Other than that, great essay....

UndergraduateAmichaelg91 - Sep 20, 2009 / dancer2010 - Sep 20, 2009
Overcoming Domestic Violence - UC Transfer App

8 - EF_Sean..."I'm a crazy person who's off her meds, and who in fact refused to go on them." LOL!...

UndergraduateSeeHerFly - Sep 19, 2009 / SeeHerFly - Sep 20, 2009
Yale Supplement Essay - My Little Sculptors (tentative title)

6 - The first paragraph is fine. So is the Spanish. But, you need to talk more about how the experience...

UndergraduateJavierA - Sep 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 20, 2009
UCF ENTRANCE (family history, culture, enviornment)

5 - Explain more of how you changed since you've moved. Good essay though....

UndergraduateErickCo19 - Sep 16, 2009 / Amichaelg91 - Sep 20, 2009
Common App - Influential Person (my dad)

3 - ^That's a pretty young smuggler. You need to change the angle of your essay. Right now your...

Undergraduateloserish - Sep 20, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 20, 2009
Helping my mom fight for her life - obstacle, bump - criticism you may have

4 - thanks, I have to write two essays, and both of them cannot be more than 500 combined....

UndergraduateAmichaelg91 - Sep 20, 2009 / Amichaelg91 - Sep 20, 2009
FSU CARE Program Essay; Frank Lloyd Wright once said...

7 - Thank you for your help.(:...

Undergraduatemarkattack - Sep 19, 2009 / markattack - Sep 20, 2009
"My first time" - Common App Essay (significant experience)

7 - Yea I was concerned with the "personal" part compared to the gymnastics descriptions. I will definitely change that. And...

Undergraduatedkinny23 - Sep 19, 2009 / dkinny23 - Sep 20, 2009
The Tense Tour Guide (Short Answer for Common App)

4 - OK, here is my revision: Any further advice is highly welcome, thx! -------------------------------------------------- Suddenly, "Let me...

UndergraduateLeozhq - Sep 20, 2009 / Leozhq - Sep 20, 2009
Intellecutal Interest: Mathematics (Cornell Essay)

5 - Well since your major isn't yet decided, I guess you can.. I'm not too sure. I would talk more...

Undergraduateessayhelp - Sep 19, 2009 / pcvrz34g - Sep 20, 2009
Camp Merri-Mac (UF Essay...A meaningful experience)

2 - This is fine but a bit dull, mostly because of your propensity for padding your sentences with extra words....

Undergraduatekma721 - Sep 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 20, 2009
Common App Main Essay, On Love

4 - I believe your essay is a good starting off point, but you definietly need to fix the grammar. I...

Undergraduatezouztingt - Sep 11, 2009 / kma721 - Sep 20, 2009
Common Application Essay on Cousteau

4 - Yay, minimal redraft: 'What Lies Beneath' Jacques-Yves Cousteau. To many, maybe just a name. However, to me,...

UndergraduateUgla - Sep 13, 2009 / Ugla - Sep 20, 2009
UIUC essay #1 about computer engineering

3 - Damn, that's a lot squeezed into 300 words!...

Undergraduateludao822 - Sep 19, 2009 / cdrappi - Sep 19, 2009
Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems"

19 - I knew that with the additional income, I would be able to take some of the burden off her...

Undergraduateshirleytse - Aug 29, 2009 / SeeHerFly - Sep 19, 2009
"the day she became my mother" - Personal Statement help

3 - You need to write a much more focused essay. At the moment, you do a good job of introducing...

Undergraduateawesome lovato - Sep 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 19, 2009
Macaulay - some issue or concern essay

20 - It's very topical, and could easily lead to a cliched essays full of misunderstandings and misinterpretation. It could also...

Undergraduateshirleytse - Aug 29, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 19, 2009
"Most conversations with my classmates" - Umich short answer

3 - "I could not bring myself to admit this " "I learned that even though I excelled in certain...

Undergraduateshirleytse - Sep 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 19, 2009
"Two cultures" - STANFORD COMMON APP ESSAY

2 - This essay is already fairly good. You could try strengthening some of your verbs, especially where you find yourself...

Undergraduatejchevallier - Sep 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 19, 2009
"well-rounded person" - FSU entrance essay

8 - It's easy to forget the big picture when your daily life is packed with academics and athletics. Every college...

Undergraduatejodim10 - Sep 18, 2009 / jodim10 - Sep 19, 2009
'a good mechanic' - The Ohio State University admissions essay (engineering)

5 - Thanks for your input, ill re-write/re-phrase parts and try to make it more interesting for the reader and post...

Undergraduaterzehnder - Sep 14, 2009 / rzehnder - Sep 19, 2009
common appl short answer on martial arts

6 - Overall, a very fun essay to read. Just edit the things the others want you to fix and you're...

Undergraduatel3goals12 - Sep 17, 2009 / dj1126 - Sep 19, 2009
Why Duke? (landscape, architecture, sports programs, and excellent academics)

3 - You've made the common mistake of taking the question too literally. Duke does not need you to tell them...

Undergraduatebstrickland91 - Sep 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate Albany Medical School Admissions Essay

5 - I most certainly can EF_Sean! I'll get to work ASAP Thanks a lot for that!...

Undergraduatedj1126 - Sep 18, 2009 / dj1126 - Sep 18, 2009
"What makes Stanford a good place for you?" - LAST STANFORD ESSAY

3 - I like the overall approach. My only concern is that it answers the question of "why do you want...

Undergraduatetdai698 - Sep 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 18, 2009

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