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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 383)

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Why did you chose this major?--Bucknell supp

3 - ...the relation between nature, science and humanity . I don't think the problem is that it is too...

Undergraduatedark horse - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
the hardships caused by wars - my supplemental essay!

4 - Nice job! I think you should add a sentence to the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that uses...

Undergraduatehbrad8002 - Oct 11, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
UM - Ann Arbor Undergraduate Admissions Essays

4 - ...two years, but it was not until this year that I finally gained insight that was truly meaningful --...

Undergraduategino250 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
obstacle and family history, culture - UCF personal statement essay

3 - I think you should revise the sentences: The loss of my cousin brought my whole family together as a...

Undergraduateluckyplayer777 - Oct 30, 2009 / masood_mj - Nov 3, 2009
The locket. Last words my sister said to me at the airport

4 - thanks so much...may you please check my poem on Poetry Writing section. .... thank you again......

Undergraduatebilal ABUZENAH - Oct 31, 2009 / bilal ABUZENAH - Nov 3, 2009
My dad has always had this personal history of how he escaped from communist Bulgaria

4 - Thanks, Janson, for making a great contribution here!...

Undergraduatefendij3 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Rice "Why this college" motivation essay

3 - ...program and strong reputation for providing quality education. Another thing that attracted me to Rice was its relatively...

Undergraduateblubunny5 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Conduct Explaination- UF

4 - Yes, college is big business, and you stand a good chance despite these issues. I suggest rewriting this...

UndergraduateBrickwiggles - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate Student Exchange Presonal Statement Essay, How to make it well?

6 - You have answered the prompt. I am not familiar with the Upper Intermediate Writing qualification. You prof is wrong...

Undergraduateanisa yosef - Oct 27, 2009 / linmark - Nov 3, 2009
Montage--the Four Essences of Cooking

7 - Very original, engaging and refreshing!! (satiating??) Aside from inconsistent tenses and some typos, I have 2 new pointers: ...

Undergraduatezouztingt - Oct 22, 2009 / linmark - Nov 3, 2009
yale supplement -- i am defined by who i actually am

4 - Are you still pursuing this thread or did you already submit your essay? If yes and no, aside...

Undergraduatebpsullivan92 - Oct 24, 2009 / linmark - Nov 3, 2009
'To be influential' commonapp essay

5 - wow, it feels sooooo great to see your reply, THX!!! I was thinking about reiterating the question at the...

Undergraduatejwbx2yl - Oct 30, 2009 / jwbx2yl - Nov 3, 2009
UC Application Personal Statement "Timidity"

3 - UCs look for people that can contribute to their schools. They are like communities. I don't exactly think this...

Undergraduatepepperist - Nov 3, 2009 / chrisraiden - Nov 3, 2009
Infinities of Chess, 150 word common application short answer.

10 - EF_Kevin thank you very much. As a thinker, I've always enjoyed games with the potential to exercise the...

Undergraduateqomoco - Oct 30, 2009 / qomoco - Nov 3, 2009
UF essay- "New perspective from a close experience"

5 - Yes, delete "the" and keep "swung on swings." Sorry I'm late! Yes it makes sense, no you...

Undergraduateapa6177 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
unfamiliar teenagers - BROWN SUPP. Best Advice

5 - It will be great if, at the end, you reflect on the advice and talk about it, using the...

Undergraduatesammiepuddle - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
Rutgers Essay about benefiting from and contributing to its community

3 - I think you should write seventeen instead of 17. In academics, I've always been talented with subjects that...

Undergraduatebyflash - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
UF Admissions Essay - Meaningful Event - Left by Dad

2 - Great job! I found some corrections to make here: I didn't realize it at that time that I...

Undergraduatejlooser09 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
"Making a change for the better, a photo at a time."-UF adm. essay

6 - "My experience in my photo class has been a brilliant experience so far, and has already made a change...

UndergraduateBrickwiggles - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
How my life has shaped me towards a career in robotics- UC application essay.

5 - Some people think "over" is not quite right: Being one of more than 1.5 billion Indians in the world,...

Undergraduatecaffino54 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
UF Admissions Essay -- Boarding School

5 - ...was not only challenging but also turned out to be rewarding. It was a little awkward. You can...

Undergraduatechewyy123 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
The Aurora Borealis

5 - I had the idea, while reading this, that it will be better if you use more image words --...

UndergraduateGoldSwimmer - Oct 26, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
Strange admission essay questions (University of Victoria - social work program)

3 - The first one says they want to make sure the applicants really do have aspirations that are consistent with...

Undergraduatejbonnell - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
"My real estate bubble" - Stanford essay #1 & "Why I want to go to Stanford"

5 - I don't think every Stanford applicant has determination. Determination is rare....

Undergraduate10jinw - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
Common App essay - bicycling the country

2 - I'm really sorry I didn't get to this in time! I hope you do well. If you still have...

Undergraduatesickziphere - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
"my mom" - Personal Essay About A Significant Person in My Life

2 - Hi Rebecca, I think you're off to a great start here. I would like to give you a...

UndergraduateScoochie - Nov 2, 2009 / ivyeyesediting - Nov 2, 2009
Northwestern- my kind of soup

2 - Great use of colons and semi-colons in that first paragraph. Take out the word "underlying" if you want, because...

Undergraduateangie127 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
"Teaching Kids, Who Ended Up, Teaching Me"

4 - A few misspellings but that's about it. You have a strong introduction but I don't see how the kids...

Undergraduatethickieg - Oct 31, 2009 / fendij3 - Nov 2, 2009
NYU APPLICATION multiple prompts

3 - Here are some revisions. Let me know if the remedy is worse than the disease. ... Please tell...

Undergraduatepatorooni - Nov 2, 2009 / patorooni - Nov 2, 2009
My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay!

10 - I know that since I have the right personality I will be for achieving success in this field....

Undergraduateaa6877 - Oct 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
I am an open minded individual ; UMD College Park/ Diversity

6 - Hyun Young, you should give a little more time to offering ideas here if you want this person to...

Undergraduatejohnd23 - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
CommonApp - Personal Essay - Topic of Your Choice - "Believing is Achieving"

3 - That's a little harsh. Parallelism can sometimes be subtly sidestepped, as contrast and rhythm also have importance. The...

Undergraduateago1130 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
GLBT issue involvement stems from minor assault - UF essay

3 - It was a One morning in the fall of my 8th grade year that forever changed my outlook on...

UndergraduateLP2010 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
Duke Supplement: Why Duke?

3 - Hi there! I actually love this essay! Paragraph 1 feels honest and authentic (esp. the 'I play golf!'...

Undergraduatecdrappi - Nov 1, 2009 / ivyeyesediting - Nov 2, 2009
Essay on my own novel, creativity, and physics

5 - I'm very sorry I didn't get to help before the deadline had passed. Luckily, though, this is some kind...

UndergraduateAwreccan - Oct 30, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
COLAGE and Advocacy, and Why Brown?--Common App and Supplement

4 - Oh, I see. In order to show them your brilliant skill in composition, it might be good to mention...

Undergraduatedramacratic - Oct 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
"English Corner" Extracurricular Activity UIUC-prompt

4 - What made everyone feel uneasy? Was it that they did not know each other and spoke different languages? ...

Undergraduatekayyao - Oct 30, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 2, 2009
'experience in Venice' - An experience that has changed your life

7 - Nicely written; however, I personally would like to read more about how this experience affected you. You wrote: "It...

UndergraduateWyn - Oct 29, 2009 / jolapham - Nov 2, 2009
"Anthem of My Independence" - Georgetown Essay

5 - The essay is fine for the prompt (which you feel best describes you .) So you need to devote...

Undergraduatecngo15 - Nov 1, 2009 / linmark - Nov 2, 2009
u of i essay on engineering....academic interests/professional goals

3 - I think you might want to take out the "The College of Engineering at the University of Illinois is...

Undergraduaterbwmn1 - Oct 30, 2009 / anuj1450 - Nov 1, 2009
Describe a meaningful event...UF application essay...Missions trip to Honduras.

5 - Oh, my mistake, it is 2 sentences. My point was that you should probably tell them how it affected...

Undergraduateamandahart - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 1, 2009
Common App Essay - A Fatal Mistake

3 - I remember first meeting Turjoh in my brother's sixth grade class. I was fourteen years old, and... I...

Undergraduaterafeeki92 - Oct 30, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 1, 2009
COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER ~ Hospital volunteer

4 - Hey, I think this is really good especially for a short answer. From what I have read colleges like...

Undergraduatesbdaiquiri - Oct 30, 2009 / lexmonti - Nov 1, 2009
"The Fusion of Psychology and Music In My Life" - Cornell Prompt

3 - try phrasing this differently. perhaps be more specific on what achievements your motivation has led you to. ...

UndergraduateILUxpssh - Nov 1, 2009 / angie127 - Nov 1, 2009
Singapore food - Your roommate to be - Stanford Roomate Essay

7 - Hi Zhang Yi! Great work on this essay! There is something that is so refreshingly effortless and authentic...

Undergraduatezhangyitao - Nov 1, 2009 / ivyeyesediting - Nov 1, 2009
"Moving on" - impact on my life UF essay :)

3 - I think you should use " " marks and reword like this: "Moving on" is a term that...

Undergraduateacat6332 - Oct 30, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 1, 2009
"The non-athletic guy" - Common App Personal Essay

2 - I think its very conversational which is always a plus in a essay. It's witty and really does talk...

UndergraduateSignifica - Nov 1, 2009 / sopheebliss - Nov 1, 2009
'little delicate bells ringing' - Stanford - the Intellectual Engaging essay

6 - Click on the Username to find all threads strated by user X :)...

Undergraduatechoi_minho - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Team - Nov 1, 2009
A Bit Unlikely, Common App Personal Essay-Influential Fictional Character Prompt

6 - Anyone else? :D...

Undergraduatemattsaysfierce - Oct 29, 2009 / mattsaysfierce - Nov 1, 2009
Common Application Essay (Stanford) - Topic of your Choice (English major)

3 - This is incredible. I have helped my friends who got into top ivy schools to revise their essays, and...

UndergraduateRNS - Oct 29, 2009 / Noob in writing - Nov 1, 2009
Common Application: influential figure

3 - Great, great essay. Nothing is as important in admission essay writing than to offer the reader some relief from...

Undergraduatestevieg - Oct 30, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 1, 2009
"flight 931!" - UF ESSAY draft can someone revise it

3 - Brandy, that is a great contribution, thanks! Hi Maritza, I think you did a great job of explaining...

Undergraduatemimi911 - Oct 30, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 1, 2009
Common App Essay: "Why I Shouldn't Go To College"

10 - Hi there, I liked your essay and thanks for sharing it! I do have some thoughts for you....

Undergraduatepennhopefull - Oct 30, 2009 / ivyeyesediting - Nov 1, 2009
Macaulay Honors-Internet is a boon to Intellectual Development

2 - One way to make it shorter and also better is to eliminate unnecessary words: At 4:00 PM on...

Undergraduatevladr72492 - Oct 30, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 1, 2009
Statement - I come to Brooklyn to teach these kids

4 - I loved this essay! I love the language you used to show the transition of your feelings of exasperation...

Undergraduateicysakura - Oct 29, 2009 / smallfry320 - Nov 1, 2009
'my dream with various courses' - Northwestern essay

3 - Although there are many reasons why Northwestern is my higher education destination, my primary reason is its academic excellence....

Undergraduatedelta598 - Nov 1, 2009 / Lunacy - Nov 1, 2009
University of Michigan (Issue of Local Concern)

5 - Thank you so much for the great advice Kevin! I will edit this and post a revised one soon....

UndergraduateFiddysin - Oct 29, 2009 / Fiddysin - Nov 1, 2009
The Lifetime Challenge within Me - Common App Main Essay

7 - What were you doing when you wrote this? I feel like you were sitting at your computer fiddling with...

Undergraduatehope123 - Oct 30, 2009 / ekfoong - Nov 1, 2009
my brother leaves for war-common app essay

3 - Great job with this one. It shows that you write well, but it also shows how INTROSPECTIVE you are......

Undergraduatebatgirl - Oct 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 1, 2009
"Survivial of the Fittest" - UCF ESSAY - BUMP IN THE ROAD

3 - ...years of bottling my worries up finally took their toll. I had reached rock bottom; I felt alo...

Undergraduatejiggysmalls - Oct 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 1, 2009

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