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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 379)

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UC Prompt #2: Dr King

4 - Yes! Elaborate on biomed engineering, because you can show that you already read articles about breakthroughs and research projects,...

Undergraduatesaladbar_12 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UC essay prompt #1 Success is not easy

4 - Find ways to use fewer words to say what you need to say: ...that makes me love playing it:...

Undergraduateagilbert1992 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
incorporated in my enthusiasm to contribute to this school,Does this make sense?

6 - No! :-) You could, maybe, incorporate enthusiasm into a mixture of emotions you are feeling right now....

Undergraduatekihyun91 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
"I already had many stereotypes" - U of M: Diversity essay

4 - Ha ha, I understand what Susan means. I think this part should be removed, because it may have...

Undergraduatebatmankiller - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
'undeveloped third world countries travels' BOULDER what can you contribute

3 - You should briefly name them -- the organizations -- so that this sentence feels real instead of being...

Undergraduatekyleroland - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
"I was always the typical shy student" - common app essay

5 - I also don't think this is too long. Since there is technically no word limit to the Common Application,...

Undergraduatestevenwong11 - Nov 16, 2009 / Vulpix - Nov 16, 2009
'The soccer ball game' - MIT short answer: something you like to do.

6 - I really like that you added an active voice to this essay. Top colleges are always looking for students...

Undergraduatecalderon - Nov 12, 2009 / sozin817 - Nov 16, 2009
MIT "Something for fun" and "Department" Essays critique?

6 - Thanks EF_Kevin! I'm not really sure if for the second one, MIT wants a specific course or just a...

Undergraduatesozin817 - Nov 14, 2009 / sozin817 - Nov 16, 2009
UC promt 1: Environmental Studies

2 - This might not seem like a very strong subject to you, but you can make it interesting by the...

Undergraduatesbenn334 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Susan - Nov 16, 2009
massachusetts college of pharmacy supplement essay.

3 - I remember my whole family crying and mourning for days. As a future pharmacist, I look forward to...

UndergraduateNEEDHELP99 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
I did not believe in the existence of dreams ; Commom App

7 - Just go give some ideas to other people and then give them this link to your essay and ask...

Undergraduatepulp - Nov 7, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UC Prompt #2: Rebuilding a Club

6 - Wow, I am impressed by how well you write. Also The president and I also broke down each...

Undergraduatevintage - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
"Drop Ball" - Common App Essay - Applicable?

9 - Yes, it definitely answers the prompt, and yes this new ending is great. Dramatic pause: However, I still...

UndergraduateKlaw30 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
My family came to America with limited amounts of money -common app essay

5 - John Quincey Adams My family came to America with limited amounts of money and two small bags filled...

UndergraduateNEEDHELP99 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
If today was my last day - Common App Essay

20 - Oh.. yes, well recycling essay material is just fine. They are all your words. The thing to avoid is...

Undergraduatehanhdung - Nov 6, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
"a helping hand" college essay

10 - You might want to explain this meningitis encephalitis. Maybe it's just me, but I have no idea what kind...

Undergraduatebecca3924 - Nov 1, 2009 / HelpPls - Nov 16, 2009
IWU-one paragraph why essay

3 - Wow, Kelsey did such a great job, I don't know what to say! ...I had lived in Chicago...

Undergraduatejindu85 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
"those seeking a new life come forth the Lord" -personal statement. an exprience

6 - He slowly approaches me, and rests his soothing hands on my shoulder. or He slowly approaches me,...

Undergraduatemackenson10 - Nov 9, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
How does my reflective essay sound?

3 - Has there ever been a time where your parents told you not to play in the house? Well it...

Undergraduatetiger13twin - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
The world I come from is not out of the ordinary. I haven't chance to be a wonder woman yet

3 - Unfortunately, I haven't yet had that chance to travel all the way across the world or be a Wonder...

Undergraduatebreefinazzo - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UC Prompt #2: "Duality" (let me know if it is adequate enough)

3 - I decided that I would learn to live respecting and remembering both of my cultural heritages and keeping a...

Undergraduateguffaa88 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UC Prompt#2 Personal Quality - Marching Band

5 - I felt as if all hope had flown been lost, but I could not give up. You have...

Undergraduateoek0127 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
"Small gestures in Japanese Culture" - Common app prompt

6 - Much more coherent essay. This is interesting imagery. Some suggestions (in CAPS) to make the analogies more vivid and...

Undergraduateicyli - Nov 11, 2009 / linmark - Nov 16, 2009
"proper education" - A&M Essay: Topic B

3 - Thanks for your help!! Its so nice to have a fresh set of eyes to look at a paper!!...

UndergraduateBrandon_Tuba - Nov 14, 2009 / Brandon_Tuba - Nov 15, 2009
"ushering people in from sub-zero temperatures" - Stanford Essay

4 - I love this essay- I worked on his campaign too. I only wonder, what exactly did you gain from...

Undergraduatedanieljluebke - Nov 15, 2009 / songbird91 - Nov 15, 2009
Senior Prom Committee Extracurricular 150 words or less

2 - I chose this job to create something that was worth remembering in high school. With only seven people,...

Undergraduatekaryenu - Nov 15, 2009 / lahariv - Nov 15, 2009
This is the world of Autism ; Common App Essay - Person of Significant Influence

13 - Cool, Thanks! :)...

UndergraduateKlaw30 - Oct 20, 2009 / Jeannie - Nov 15, 2009
"the Intensive Care Unit" - Common app short answer

6 - "relief of his condition" "Other volunteers already started serving patients. At Ulsan University Hospital, I'm a volunteer, who...

Undergraduategorush - Nov 11, 2009 / JS2010 - Nov 15, 2009
"your future roommate to know about you" - Stanford Essay

4 - No problem. I would really appreciate it if you could read my 7 year Med. essay. Thank you!...

Undergraduatedanieljluebke - Nov 15, 2009 / lahariv - Nov 15, 2009
UC Prompt #1 The key to my world

9 - me neither.. anyways this is an amazing essay.. the detaisl you place in here are fantastic. Hope Stanford is...

Undergraduatebonjouramelie - Nov 2, 2009 / batmankiller - Nov 15, 2009
UC prompt 1 : An Evolving Personality

3 - Some highlights that I saw: paragraph 1-you were very detailed with the clothing paragraph 2- rather than just saying...

Undergraduatechrisraiden - Nov 3, 2009 / batmankiller - Nov 15, 2009
"very diverse, delightful, and invigorating" - Rutgers Undergraduate Essay.

4 - Thank you very much Susan Mr. Nunez for your help:) I just finished fixing my essay whereever it was...

Undergraduatecar3n - Nov 15, 2009 / car3n - Nov 15, 2009
"Iris"- Common Application Essay Prompt #1

9 - YOUR RIGHT! Thanks for the advice Kevin. I'll be sure to try it. Regards, Axel...

UndergraduateXLZ - Nov 8, 2009 / XLZ - Nov 15, 2009
"XX Model UN Conference" - Common App Short Essay

10 - What is thee question that you are answer. try to add more in about how this experience affected you....

Undergraduatejindu85 - Nov 14, 2009 / NEEDHELP99 - Nov 15, 2009
My english teacher as an influential person - Common App Prompt

4 - Yes, I think you should get right to the point: My eleventh grade English teacher, Mrs. Ostrenko, is...

Undergraduatedavidson10 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
SUNY Application (Karate, my life)

6 - Google: embryonic breathing. Read what Dr. Yang has to say. It has applications for martial arts, meditation, health, and...

UndergraduateLordHoseph - Nov 12, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
Supplement DEAR ROOMMATE

4 - I look forward to meeting you and sharing with you my enthusiasm about (all kinds of things at this...

Undergraduatemia01 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
waterskiing, UC Prompt 2: Personal Experience.

4 - good subject and connection to ur grades. make more variences in ur sentence structure and use more sophistocated, but...

Undergraduatejohn7777 - Nov 14, 2009 / kyleroland - Nov 15, 2009
"live your life as a work of art" - Common Application

6 - This is not quite right: I live vicariously through my piano. When you live vicariously through the piano, it...

UndergraduateRhonWeasley - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
Growing up a Muslim American, a world of justice and equality

3 - It was not until recently that I discovered that my mother not only accomplished everything for us as a...

UndergraduateHaderdaraide - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
Bowdoin Supplement - "Because There Ain't No Mountain High Enough"

7 - Outing clubber is confusing. It is better to accommodate the reader by using a different term... The prospect...

UndergraduateRhonWeasley - Nov 6, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
The Global Connections Committee -elaborating on your activity

2 - Well, this is a great choice of activity. To get rid of those five words, scratch out what does...

Undergraduatetdbeckham - Nov 13, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
"Judge people by their character" - FSU Essay Rough Draft - Mores

5 - "Judge people by their character, not by how they look,their looks. " "I succeeded in making it and...

Undergraduatethndthighs - Nov 14, 2009 / glorfs - Nov 15, 2009
A Different Spin on The Diversity Essay

8 - Dr. Suess also said: Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is toing to get better....

Undergraduatechaotic_kiddo - Nov 13, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
Not a Love Story - UT Person of Influence

6 - "but I lacked the confidence to do so because I had no idea how to dance like everyone else...

Undergraduatepatorooni - Nov 12, 2009 / glorfs - Nov 15, 2009
"I flourish in large classes" - Rutgers admissions essay so far..

4 - ...lifetime have enabled me to ascertain a plethora of morals... Wow, lots of big words... be careful not...

Undergraduateairrudra - Nov 13, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
Common App Main Essay- "Dancing Through The Days"

4 - Back in the dorms, my roommate Melissa and I professed our excitement for the next day, when we...

Undergraduateutooley - Nov 13, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
Wisc Prompts - #1 Personal Experience, #2 Why Economics?

3 - Hey thanks. I think you just pointed out a huge mistake of mine. (make an introduction without getting into...

Undergraduatemin12 - Nov 14, 2009 / min12 - Nov 15, 2009
Cloudhouse - another essay for Common app Topic of my choice

5 - well, haha, I only hope I will appeal all of them, doubt if I have any bad schools, muahahahaa,...

Undergraduatehanhdung - Nov 11, 2009 / hanhdung - Nov 15, 2009
"the challenges of life plus my condition" - my pizazz on college apps

6 - thank you for your input...

Undergraduateplaytm300 - Nov 9, 2009 / playtm300 - Nov 14, 2009
CC supplement question. why do you wish to attend?

3 - I think the idea of splitting the reasons into different categories is a good idea. But it seems to...

Undergraduatezeem - Nov 13, 2009 / jindu85 - Nov 14, 2009
Rutgers Essay Topic: First two paragraphs

4 - Here's how i'd change it up. It's only small changes. over all i think your short essay is very...

Undergraduateipwnu4free - Nov 14, 2009 / Jd87rh - Nov 14, 2009
Tulane personal statement - swimming

2 - allowed me to take part in... It was not surprising, t hen, that my coach... Wow, you...

Undergraduateicecreamcat - Nov 13, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 14, 2009
Intellectual, athletic, cultural, social interests apart from medicine

6 - Well, the first paragraph is solid. It begins with a clear assertion, you explain it, and then you reflect...

Undergraduateindianajones - Nov 12, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 14, 2009
The primary reason that I am applying to Northwestern University is its firm academic program.

5 - Thanks, Jansen, as always your contribution here is inspiring to me. I can tell you spend more time than...

Undergraduatevip747 - Nov 5, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 14, 2009
Experience That Helpmed Me Learn What Was Important - CommonApp Emotional Essay

4 - Beautiful. I think you write better than you think you do. All of her memories have now vanished...

UndergraduateAwesomeness - Nov 13, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 14, 2009
"Go to bed" - UC transfer essay prompt 1

4 - How does the anecdote in the beginning tie into you choosing your major? It s a bit unclear, try...

Undergraduatenatsuken - Nov 13, 2009 / guffaa88 - Nov 14, 2009
A Person With Significant Influence on You--Common App Personal Statement

4 - You an eliminate some of the times you wrote the words "Growing up." I think you should eliminate...

Undergraduatecaisson22 - Nov 13, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 14, 2009
Contribution Essay (Rice's academic life)

3 - It was late on a school night, and even though the day had been tough, I could do nothing...

Undergraduatesv6554 - Nov 13, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 14, 2009
'Enough Is As Good As A Feast' - Common App Essay-An Important Person, a student of mine

6 - Yes, always make the final draft shorter than the first draft. Less is more. Find ways to cut out...

UndergraduateAida_six - Nov 12, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 14, 2009

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