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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 370)

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USC: What is important? (500-700 chars)

8 - Make a stronger connection between that first and last para. The first para ends with this: as hard as...

UndergraduateTimMill - Nov 23, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 30, 2009
my passion for wanting to help animals - UC essay #2 Prompt.

3 - It's very intimidating to look at a long paragraph like this. Okay, I'll muster some courage and read it,...

Undergraduatescbredall - Nov 28, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 30, 2009
The Fog Rolls Out - "Imagine you are looking out a window..."

4 - There is A wooden cabin with unfinished windows nestled in the mountains of Vermont. You write beautifully!...

Undergraduateamaryrose - Nov 22, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 30, 2009
'succeeding in a positive student environment' Why you choose St. Johns University

3 - Sometimes you can make a sentence more powerful by shaving off a few unnecessary words: As I am Heading...

Undergraduatejpodp06 - Nov 28, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 30, 2009
Pen Turning is a Way of Life - UC Essay

5 - Comma: As I am making a pen I feel proud of what I make, because I can... ...

UndergraduateParthew - Nov 28, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 30, 2009
"I am not talentless" - UC Application- Prompt 2

3 - Thank you so much for your feedback! It was extremely helpful!...

Undergraduatemedelman2010 - Nov 30, 2009 / medelman2010 - Nov 30, 2009
Campus Diversity - Rutgers University Undergraduate Prompt

5 - Sure, I looked over your essay and offered some advice on what to change....

UndergraduateDmitryK - Nov 30, 2009 / DmitryK - Nov 30, 2009
Prompt # 1, Their Struggles

5 - Hey, you have a lot of great substance in your essay but remember the prompt is ALSO asking about...

Undergraduatettang2892 - Nov 30, 2009 / nojelly - Nov 30, 2009
UC Prompt #1: Living in a bubble

3 - This essay definitely shows passion for helping those poor children. The only thing I would recommend you add is...

Undergraduatechelseareana - Nov 30, 2009 / jampamz - Nov 30, 2009
Hampshire College supple essays (Korean point of view)

2 - share A time...not two? tossed down sounds derogatory encouraged them at first time . <new paragraph?> learned about brief...

UndergraduatelifeisawesomeXD - Nov 29, 2009 / meisj0n - Nov 30, 2009
U of wisconsin madison personal statement (an educational environment)

2 - Love how the prompt is like "....In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?" would join...

UndergraduateDavid Khor - Nov 29, 2009 / meisj0n - Nov 30, 2009
UC Essay: Helping Others & Choir Solo

3 - Thanks for your suggestions!...

Undergraduateleounleashed - Nov 29, 2009 / leounleashed - Nov 30, 2009
"Running gave me perseverance" UC prompt 2

4 - it would be better if italics showed up. Do they show up on the real app page? Anyway, I...

Undergraduatezling - Nov 29, 2009 / zling - Nov 30, 2009
"Guided by the String" - UC Prompt 2 about brain injured woman

6 - like another poster said, what have you learned from your experience with Susan? minor correction in this sentence......

Undergraduatejampamz - Nov 28, 2009 / zling - Nov 30, 2009
Help me decide which essay to use for the common application...

8 - i would choose the 2nd topic. I think it's more memorable by introducing an outlook I've never considered before...

Undergraduateukierunner - Nov 10, 2009 / reina92 - Nov 29, 2009
"when I first picked up a racket and a tennis ball" - UC prompt #2

2 - I was astonished at the words that popped out of his mouth and told him that I was sorry...

Undergraduatedonkey101 - Nov 29, 2009 / zling - Nov 29, 2009
GW honors essay - Is it too business like?

2 - try to make this a more personal essay. what do you have to offer? I don't...

Undergraduatessuraj - Nov 29, 2009 / meisj0n - Nov 29, 2009
common app. essay. "why & how my friends influence me?"

2 - I'm standing on the cliff, so close to the edge that any gust of wind can knock me off....

Undergraduatesarahhh - Nov 29, 2009 / jen50192 - Nov 29, 2009
USC ESSAY. #Reflect on an accomplishment you achieved in an unlikely way.

2 - My extreme hunger for electronics led me to never give up and explore new ways to accomplish the things...

UndergraduateMARIOFOREVER - Nov 29, 2009 / mcsingson - Nov 29, 2009
how i see the world: from blond Barbie hair to tamales. (:

3 - is this.. better? Kinda? No? heh.. oh and I found it a bit irrelevant to state...

Undergraduatepcvrz34g - Nov 29, 2009 / pcvrz34g - Nov 29, 2009
'Excuse me, is your mom home?' - common app essay~

7 - No, this essay is PERFECT for admissions, it's not only written in an unique way, it also gives a...

Undergraduatelittleman91 - Nov 29, 2009 / yang - Nov 29, 2009
Stanford Essay #3: Why Stanford is the Right Place For You?

9 - I really like your first sentence. That's good because you don't want the admissions person to start off with...

Undergraduateluu123 - Nov 29, 2009 / deanne - Nov 29, 2009
UC Prompt 2: Small town living, and how it shaped me

2 - Good start so far, for the first sentence there should be a comma instead of a period in between...

UndergraduatePscholler - Nov 29, 2009 / ashtene - Nov 29, 2009
OSU undergrad essay -- Why are you considering OSU

3 - I liked the personal approach you took in explaining your personality and how OSU allows you to express it...

Undergraduatekmadhuri19 - Nov 21, 2009 / ssuraj - Nov 29, 2009
For as long as I can remember, I have been a writer; Pratt Institute

6 - Well, great work! You have helped me to improve my knowledge about this field. Thank you so much for...

UndergraduateSkittleRose - Nov 28, 2009 / jezzicaz789 - Nov 29, 2009
UC #2... but it's not just one thing!

5 - Work on tying your paragraphs and subjects together with some kind of common denominator....

Undergraduateootlink - Nov 29, 2009 / Pscholler - Nov 29, 2009
Common App Essay -- High School Policy Debate

2 - While I was a kid don't say "kid"! not in your college app essay! say child. it's way less...

Undergraduatepafablach - Nov 29, 2009 / Deva17 - Nov 29, 2009
Stanford Essay #2: Roommate Essay

6 - *really wants to do a stanford application himself* I think your whole idea is wonderful! I can't really...

Undergraduateluu123 - Nov 29, 2009 / ootlink - Nov 29, 2009
"My Mother" :Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you.

8 - Thank you very very very much! I am going to revise it now!...

Undergraduateskw910824 - Nov 27, 2009 / skw910824 - Nov 29, 2009
Two month adventure to Naranamoozhy, Significant Experience Essay

3 - sorry that was a typo but thanks...

Undergraduatexballerina - Nov 29, 2009 / xballerina - Nov 29, 2009
UC Prompt 1: Life as a Puppet

3 - Thus, they had always criticized the actions I took in order to protect me from following the wrong influences....

Undergraduatemurasakidevil - Nov 29, 2009 / look416 - Nov 29, 2009
What are the three things you want the Bucknell faculty to know?

2 - really liked all three. make sure you read through and make sure you add your own personal touch rather...

Undergraduatedark horse - Nov 13, 2009 / tjbeyer6 - Nov 29, 2009
my determination will help me strive in BU - common application supplement essay

4 - Thankyou sooo much!!!! Yea it would be awesome to meet both of you there...good luck with your apps!!!! oh...

Undergraduateplopez - Nov 29, 2009 / plopez - Nov 29, 2009
UC 1: family was my influence

6 - ah, I was attempting to be humorous with the junk food part thanks very much :)...

Undergraduatezling - Nov 29, 2009 / zling - Nov 29, 2009
My contribution to the scientific community. UC prompt #1

2 - - and what you have gained from your involvement. * I feel your essay, while adequately answering the...

Undergraduateisaiahkupo - Nov 29, 2009 / citadel01 - Nov 29, 2009
"Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken" -UC Prompt 2

9 - yeah but how is that related to the assignment???: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or...

Undergraduatebloopyxd - Nov 29, 2009 / Deva17 - Nov 29, 2009
the Key Club Office - Common App Activities Essay

2 - This is fine except for two parts: - a bunch of high school students can be superheroes in...

Undergraduatemonochachi - Nov 29, 2009 / Deva17 - Nov 29, 2009
"How i could stand up once again to pursue my dream" - UC Prompt

3 - thanks so much for ur help...

Undergraduatepremis - Nov 29, 2009 / premis - Nov 29, 2009
UC Prompt 1 Transfer: Film Studies

4 - Nice work with incorporating the things you've learned while interning. Now it clearly answers the prompt and keeps things...

UndergraduatePscholler - Nov 29, 2009 / csicasiano - Nov 29, 2009
"every word of the Pokémon theme song" - my first admissions essay! prompt #1

5 - I like this idea alot, its very unique, and in my opinion will stand out alot. Great job,...

Undergraduatechikibayb02 - Nov 29, 2009 / Aglod516 - Nov 29, 2009
"My Family" - USC: WHAT MATTERS TO ME AND WHY

6 - i want to create a new post! this ones too messy but here's the almost final draft if anyone...

Undergraduategksquf45 - Nov 28, 2009 / gksquf45 - Nov 29, 2009
UT austin TOPIC B essay- issue of importance to me- business ethic

3 - Maybe it is better in the present tense: As I witness this obnoxious TV commercial, advertising a Hummer and...

Undergraduateicandoit - Nov 28, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 29, 2009
I was waiting for an epiphany. It hasn't come. Any advice on choosing a topic?

2 - I did the same thing as you, I just sort of drifted around for a few months before the...

Undergraduatejanedoe - Nov 29, 2009 / nogasa - Nov 29, 2009
UC Essay #1:My world, an Asian American

4 - I suggest you take out the stuff I crossed out and use the space to answer the following questions...

Undergraduatedanielhe - Nov 28, 2009 / silligrl555 - Nov 29, 2009
UC Prompt 2: My Undying Passion (sport)

6 - Revised...feedback is much appreciated!!! This essay now has 467 and my other essay has 690(Ludicrous: My Childhood) so ideas...

UndergraduateJanelle - Nov 29, 2009 / Janelle - Nov 29, 2009
Ludacris: My Childhood

8 - Thank You ralfsantacruz, I put the second & third paragraphs together, what do you think... Everyone's feedback is welcomed....

UndergraduateJanelle - Nov 29, 2009 / Janelle - Nov 29, 2009
"The first day of classes" - UC Prompt #2

2 - Sprinting down the driveway, I prayed it had arrived. Shuffling through the glossy ads, I came across the coveted...

UndergraduateJennieHeartsYou - Nov 29, 2009 / chelseareana - Nov 29, 2009
UC PROMPT #1- Tattooed

5 - Thank You! You definitely right, and I changed it accordingly....

Undergraduatecv911 - Nov 28, 2009 / cv911 - Nov 29, 2009
"flight to Budapest" - UC Prompt 2 HELP

3 - They always went all out --- if they didn't they could be kicked off the team and another player...

Undergraduatechanko - Nov 29, 2009 / zling - Nov 29, 2009
"mexican struggle" - UC prompt

5 - your essay was good, but i am sorry to hear that about your father because i can relate... ...

Undergraduateralfsantacruz - Nov 29, 2009 / chikibayb02 - Nov 29, 2009
Mission trip in Cambodia - UC PROMPT 2 -Tell us about personal quailty

2 - Great Work, just a few corrections.. "before I took a mission trip in the other side of...

Undergraduatepirouette - Nov 29, 2009 / Janelle - Nov 29, 2009
Prompt 1 (family) and Prompt 2 (a quality) of UCLA Personal Statements

3 - Prompt 1: He is now in a university, studying pre-law. I liked it! but I think you should...

UndergraduateDeva17 - Nov 29, 2009 / bloopyxd - Nov 29, 2009
"I learned to give myself to something" - personal essay- Question 1

4 - Thank you so much, Jeannie. I really appreciated the time you took for these revisions =]...

Undergraduatereina92 - Nov 28, 2009 / reina92 - Nov 29, 2009
Awakening from my dreamy sleep, UC Prompt #1-my world

4 - thank you :] I tried to tie it in to my desire to perform, but my earlier attempts broke...

UndergraduateJennieHeartsYou - Nov 29, 2009 / JennieHeartsYou - Nov 29, 2009
'Connecting with other cultures' - Short Answer Michigan--Diversity Essay

4 - Your essay is off to a good start except for one MAJOR issue!!! Go bucks?????????????? Please get...

Undergraduatecchstroy - Nov 22, 2009 / aguafria22 - Nov 29, 2009
UC Prompt 2 - My best friend's grandma

19 - well, please update us all and tell us how your application goes. I think your essay is definitely...

Undergraduatecolorfuloving - Nov 23, 2009 / Jd87rh - Nov 29, 2009
'My hero is no James Bond.' PURA VIDA! Common app essay

8 - Excellent essay topic!! I love Costa Rica and their way of living and life motto. It is really a...

Undergraduatecowoverthemoon - Nov 27, 2009 / aguafria22 - Nov 29, 2009
"I saw how more reliable and cheaper technology could help..."UC prompt #1

3 - I changed some of the ambiguities around, but I couldn't really find a way to introduce my major in...

Undergraduatedeathischildpla - Nov 27, 2009 / deathischildpla - Nov 29, 2009
Essay about the influence my grandmother had on my life

3 - Thanks for helping revise this essay I'm really confused with what I'm doing right now because it's all really...

Undergraduatenycsimpsons12 - Nov 29, 2009 / nycsimpsons12 - Nov 29, 2009
University of Texas Plan II essay

2 - Wow. Well, I think you've got the right idea. It sounds like they're asking you to create a promt...

Undergraduateyang - Nov 29, 2009 / sarahmc18 - Nov 29, 2009

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