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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays.
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'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2

4 - Jiseung, your experience perfectly answers the essay prompt. It has a number of grammatical errors and can actually be shortened in...

Undergraduateyoyoprotein - Yesterday
vangiespen
Yesterday
UC essay: Trying to get into ucsd, but so lost on personal statement. (Prompt 1)

1 - Jonep, the essay is really all over the place right now and I am not sure about how I can help...

Undergraduatejonep - Yesterday
vangiespen
Yesterday
My dad and communities struggles have shaped my dreams and aspirations - UC Prompt #2

1 - Bryan, you have succeeded in describing a unique world. It is a world that you share with your father and other...

Undergraduatebryantasticc - Yesterday
vangiespen
Yesterday
UC Prompt #1: Neuroscience

5 - I am not sure what you mean by internship because there was nothing relating to work experience in the essay that...

Undergraduatefatimakhan - Yesterday
vangiespen
Yesterday
I-E-L-T-S competition and co-operate

1 - ".... he is bad or he's his work is worse than others" "...there is no one company which is..." "Co-operation...

Undergraduatejyx940709 - Yesterday
rongmui
Yesterday
I come from a world of fantasy - The World that inspired me is the Anime World.

5 - This is definitely one of the best versions of this essay. I found some places where you can revise the content...

Undergraduateachen0688 - Nov 21, 2014
vangiespen
Yesterday
"Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing" Cornell Essay help

5 - Excellent work Daniel! As far as I am concerned, this essay well reflects the requirements of a prompt in an interesting...

Undergraduatedhizzy - Nov 22, 2014
vangiespen
Yesterday
Homeschool Background - CAE Prompt #1

NEW - This is my Common App essay for Prompt #1. Please tear it to shreds! Some students have a background or...

Undergraduatejmjsoccer12 - Yesterday
Essay Review - could a few people review my essay and make sure it's good enough to send off

1 - I really love your voice; you seem like a very likable person!! :-) Your experiences tie back to your aspirations, which...

Undergraduateenifeni - Yesterday
fatimakhan
Yesterday
Spoils of Hard Work - Pitzer Supplement

NEW - Prompt: Reflecting on your involvement throughout high school or within the community, how have you engaged with one or more of...

Undergraduategman1997 - Yesterday
"You're a 7th grader now. You need to be responsible for your schoolwork" "Why Brown?" essay

6 - This is after I've cut it down to 200 words and applied your advice. Problem is that I had to cut...

Undergraduatedhizzy - Nov 19, 2014
dhizzy
Yesterday
My classmate Chen with language barrier, due to the brain damage, caused by car accident

1 - Dominic, you unfortunately missed the point of the prompt. You were not supposed to talk about the experience of another person...

Undergraduatedominic_jiang - Yesterday
vangiespen
Yesterday
Meeting James Watson, best day of your life. VTech Supplement

3 - I edited the paper by deleting some sentences and rewording a few as well. This is now down to 223 words....

Undergraduatetoughguy - Nov 22, 2014
vangiespen
Yesterday
USC Incoming Freshman Supplements -- Both General and Viterbi School of Engineering Essays

4 - I think the passage that talks about your academic interest is too vague. You need to focus more on your interest...

UndergraduateArchlefirth - Sep 9, 2014
dominic_jiang
Yesterday
Samsae-third generation Korean immigrant-born in Japan - learned of my Korean and Japanese heritage

9 - I was just making some suggestions to help you out :-) I would prefer that you develop your own essay if...

Undergraduatekitakaname - Nov 18, 2014
vangiespen
Yesterday
UC essay: How my world has shaped me, from denial to embrace

1 - Lei, right now this essay sounds more like a "central identity" paper than a "world shaped my traits essay". The reason...

Undergraduatesarantsatsr - Yesterday
vangiespen
Yesterday
People around me always consider me as a bird of a different feather. UC Prompt 1

4 - You can use this essay for that prompt Li-Wei. It pretty much answers all of the prompt requirements about how you...

Undergraduatealan1213 - Nov 22, 2014
vangiespen
Yesterday
"My Life Incubator: Target" - Common App Essay Prompt 4

5 - I would be more than happy to make suggestions regarding the second prompt. It would be best though that I wait...

Undergraduatelantaylor13 - Nov 22, 2014
vangiespen
Yesterday
I never saw myself as an average child - Elon Scholarship Essay

1 - Lauren, this is a very effective essay. You closely adhere to the prompt and explain how Stephen Hawking and your grandmother...

Undergraduatevetementu - Nov 22, 2014
vangiespen
Yesterday
''work is an anti node for poverty'' - My mother a supportive figure

5 - I can understand the overall message and tone of your essay, but as other posters have said: there are a lot...

UndergraduateModewap - Nov 19, 2014
lantaylor13
Nov 22, 2014
The world I come from : small city / digital world (please help me decide) - MIT

4 - I really like idea two!!! It is more of a direct answer to the prompt as it is "the world you...

Undergraduatemelramadhani - Nov 22, 2014
vetementu
Nov 22, 2014
"The Code is Mightier Than The Pen" - NYU Supplementary Essay

7 - I feel like you should be more specific as to what NYU can offer you. I think you did really well...

Undergraduatelantaylor13 - Nov 22, 2014
vetementu
Nov 22, 2014
"Young antique" - challenge myself; common prompt1 essay

6 - - Field training for what? Be as specific as possible, don't leave the reader guessing since this essay is supposed...

Undergraduatesarahsos - Nov 20, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 22, 2014
Unbalanced - Common app prompt 1

2 - thank you very much for your help

Undergraduatejuicy - Nov 22, 2014
juicy
Nov 22, 2014
Creation of a program, and how it developed me. UC App Personal Statement 2

1 - Wilson, this is definitely an accomplishment that you should be proud of even if it happened at a very young age....

Undergraduatewilhui3977 - Nov 22, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 22, 2014
My life, for as long as I can remember, has been rather good. I have always had advantages. UC essay

3 - Navin, can you provide me with the UC prompt that you are planning to use this essay for so I can...

Undergraduatenvn7971 - Nov 19, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 22, 2014
I take pride in everything the soccer game has been able to give me - UC Essay

4 - Thanks you guys :)

UndergraduatePlsBrian22 - Nov 8, 2014
PlsBrian22
Nov 22, 2014
Beyond your academic credentials, what else makes you unique and colorful? William and Mary essay

2 - This is a wonderful essay. Really demonstrates your inquisitive spirt through a fun, playful anecdote. I really think your essay is...

Undergraduatevetementu - Nov 20, 2014
dhizzy
Nov 22, 2014
I'll tell you something about me: I am alive... Penn State Personal Statement

1 - Kyra, I have a bit of advice for you. Rather than positioning the essay to show that you are alive, why...

Undergraduatekyrajay - Nov 21, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 22, 2014
Studying here is a distinctive opportunity that many enlightened-mind students dream of

2 - thank you very much for your note I am going to apply in Manchester University do you think...

Undergraduateissamafayad - Nov 21, 2014
issamafayad
Nov 22, 2014
Criminology as my planned major - UC Transfer Personal Statement

2 - Thank you for the feedback, will definitely try and re-structure that last paragraph.

Undergraduateosmoyo - Nov 21, 2014
osmoyo
Nov 22, 2014
As I matured I experienced increasing stress in combination with a lack of sleep. CommonApp

1 - - Amy, the term you want to use here is either a bath soak or a tub. A shower means...

UndergraduateElaschanzky - Nov 21, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 21, 2014
Walking around the top observation deck of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, I realized my dream

1 - Karen, this does not sound like an accomplishment essay because it does not truly mark a transition to adulthood on your...

UndergraduateKaren219 - Nov 21, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 21, 2014
Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college

17 - Azucena, let me see if I can come up with a template for you. Try to use it as an example...

Undergraduatesoftball16 - Nov 7, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 21, 2014
Elon Gap Semester Program gives me the opportunity to learn in a completely new and innovative way

1 - Excellent work Lauren! I would not change any part of this essay because it answers the prompt in a clear manner...

Undergraduatevetementu - Nov 21, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 21, 2014
"Are you okay, mom?" That question when I queried, my mother always replied "yes" Personal statement

1 - Hey! U are wrong :" a 8-years-old kid", it must be " a 8-year-old kid". And "However, if I was known...

UndergraduateTeresa194 - Nov 21, 2014
hunhann
Nov 21, 2014
University of Chicago - "word that cannot be translated"

6 - No matter what anyone says, I think this essay is brilliantly written, I remember looking over it a week or so...

Undergraduatelukemillerq - Nov 10, 2014
nkp28
Nov 20, 2014
I had a great life in Russia, but I have always been challenging myself - BOARDING SCHOOL ESSAY

1 - Anastasia, your essay is quite interesting but you managed to clump together 2 years worth of experience into only one paragraph....

Undergraduatelaissa - Nov 20, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 20, 2014
Application essay for the Art Institute of Seattle - I do live in Washington, about 3 hours on south

1 - Well, obviously, I would recommend cutting the word count down a bit. If they suggest 150 words per question, try your...

Undergraduateshaylynn_97 - Nov 20, 2014
vetementu
Nov 20, 2014
"Acorn" As I sat on the cold, dewy grass, warming tears flooded down my face.

3 - Okay good, I will suggest you remove that ''acorn'' that stands alone in the first paragraph. Review your essay by...

UndergraduateLaurenm14 - Nov 20, 2014
Modewap
Nov 20, 2014
'The study of physics never fails to bore me' - Governor's School Essay - Computational Physics

1 - -Jongheon, this is a red flag sentence. You just told the reader that you do not like the subject of...

Undergraduatezxcv4306 - Nov 20, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 20, 2014
For Good Measure: ApplyTexas Topic A; Interacting with people with different beliefs/experiences

3 - Arianne, that is the perfect anecdote to accompany this essay. It truly explains why you have a belief in the importance...

Undergraduatearianne_mala - Nov 19, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 19, 2014
UtProsim is way more than just a Latin saying, it's a lifestyle. VA Tech Essay application

3 - - Try to be specific instead of general. Explain the activities on campus that embodied UTProsim. Relate how you identified...

Undergraduateaveiz100 - Nov 18, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 19, 2014
I was short listed among the best twelve students that participated in the competition

8 - Yes I will do that tomorrow by God's grace, as we are over mid night here ;) . thanks...

UndergraduateModewap - Nov 17, 2014
Modewap
Nov 19, 2014
I failed... but at least next year's team will get the chance to succeed where I haven't.

3 - Thank you both for the feedback!

UndergraduateDanah96 - Nov 9, 2014
Danah96
Nov 19, 2014
I have become best friends with a stationary saw - I feel great working on my tiny house.

5 - Lucy, you can do more with the content of your essay to ensure that it answers the prompt in a clear...

UndergraduateLucy2457 - Oct 19, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 18, 2014
UC Prompt 2- I opened my eyes, everything around me was blurry, and nothing made sense.

2 - Thank you so much! I will definitely take your advice into consideration!

Undergraduateadu0010 - Nov 18, 2014
adu0010
Nov 18, 2014
'What are the top five reasons you want to be a Hokie?'

1 - Alvaro, the reasons that you want to be a Hokie are not really that relevant to the essay. It speaks more...

Undergraduateaveiz100 - Nov 18, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 18, 2014
Learning in the school of life - College essay

3 - Louisa, here is my advice. Name the place that you went to aside from "The School of Life", then reorganize the...

UndergraduateLouisatiara - Nov 16, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 18, 2014
It all started with a joke - common app

19 - Fiona, the essay is definitely good enough to send it with your applications. That is my opinion which I hope you...

Undergraduatefionaleeeee - Oct 14, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 18, 2014
There is a soldier who sees the world

4 - Fiona, I need to know what the two prompts are so that I can advise you or give you some ideas...

Undergraduatefionaleeeee - Oct 21, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 18, 2014
how a motto can effect you

2 - Jagrit, this is not an essay that will impress the admissions officer. Something that happened to you in the third grade...

Undergraduatechdboy - Nov 18, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 18, 2014
The Function Defined as P = Math - College Essay

1 - Peter, I find this to be a highly interesting essay that answers the prompt in a creative and engaging way....

UndergraduateSineFine - Nov 18, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 18, 2014
"So what's wrong?" Shrugging "I don't know, I don't fit isn't that obvious?"

4 - The prompt you chose means that it should be a story that changed the way you think, made you who you...

Undergraduateolaitan17 - Nov 16, 2014
Ghfdw17
Nov 18, 2014
My Korean Heritage - UC Personal Statement

2 - Thank you very much! I will try to rewrite considering what you suggested to me:)

Undergraduatekitakaname - Nov 15, 2014
kitakaname
Nov 18, 2014
"Mom, why are we moving again?" I lost count on how many times I've said this phrase over the years

5 - The world you come from sounds very interesting. It also presents a unique way of maturing far beyond your years. It...

Undergraduatetimmyduong123 - Nov 17, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 18, 2014
University of California Personal Statement: What is your intended major?

2 - I should of posted the entire essay question into the thread, sorry about that. "What is your intended major? Discuss...

Undergraduatetseki - Nov 18, 2014
tseki
Nov 18, 2014
Immigration Acculturation and Adaptation

2 - Thanks

Undergraduateyryasindu - Nov 16, 2014
yryasindu
Nov 17, 2014
teenagers think that they are invincible - "About Me"- Georgetown Admissions Essay

1 - Nicole, the problem with re-purposed essays is that important elements of the original essay get lost in the rephrasing of the...

Undergraduatesnowy1624 - Nov 17, 2014
vangiespen
Nov 17, 2014
Elisa the Laptop- Story of someone in my life who is different from me, yet have learned from.

3 - I have actually talked to some people who are already admitted to the school I am in and they said that...

UndergraduateSamBadeaux43 - Nov 16, 2014
SamBadeaux43
Nov 17, 2014
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