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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays.
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I was born in Toronto Canada, into a very troubled and unfortunate family; reasons for transferring

NEW - this is my application essay. they are mainly looking for the content, no specific instructions that I must follow. I would...

Undergraduatemheshmati - 10:01am
...I would continue leading my Science Club - one of the activities

1 - Work more on the inspiration angle of your statement. Explain how the program inspired you to pursue STEM to a higher...

UndergraduateKami890 - Yesterday
vangiespen
Yesterday
"When you're curious, you find lots of interesting things to do"

1 - The best thing for you to do at the moment is to just write about what inspires you. You say that...

UndergraduateLeandra20 - Jan 22, 2015
vangiespen
Yesterday
As the time progress, my body is struggling to handle the weight, empowered by the gravity.

1 - You should place the reference to the gym as the place that you feel most content somewhere at the start of...

UndergraduateArlind - Jan 17, 2015
vangiespen
Yesterday
Outstanding character: volunteer helping my church leaders in any paperwork / joining lacrosse team

1 - Isabel, you took the meaning of the prompt too generally. Do not offer a generalized description of the way you accomplished...

UndergraduateIfranco - Yesterday
vangiespen
Yesterday
Gem cannot be polished nor man perfected

NEW - My topic is The gem cannot be polished without friction nor man perfected without trials and I have to write between...

Undergraduatepurpleperidot - Yesterday
The importance of human body for the mankind - My biomedical / biomaterial S.O.P

3 - Thank you again

UndergraduateShima97 - Jan 23, 2015
Shima97
Yesterday
Everyone has a strength and a weakness - a superpower (mine is perseverance) and a kryptonite

1 - Hello Marissa, your essay has all the requirements of the topic but I would like to tell you that your essay...

Undergraduatemarissa - Jan 23, 2015
kibz95
Jan 23, 2015
I felt a small spark kindle inside me - Application Essay for Summer Biotechnology Program

5 - Thanks so much for your help! :)

UndergraduateBioCat - Jan 19, 2015
BioCat
Jan 23, 2015
'countless educational programs offered' - Education among the American society - UT Transfer essay

1 - This is supposed to be a common app essay response so we do not need the works cited page. That said,...

UndergraduateAndrewB - Jan 23, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 23, 2015
"For any of you struggling to find your niche, do yourself a favor and think back to your childhood"

3 - Anyone else who will do more than scan my essay and give advice that makes no sense???? I need constructive critique...

Undergraduateamandamayet - Jan 21, 2015
amandamayet
Jan 23, 2015
'Competitive girl' - Lacrosse - personal essay / narrative to proofread (it also needs to be longer)

2 - Thank you for your help. I took your advice and I am turning it in tomorrow for my first writing assignment....

Undergraduateabgalpal101 - Jan 21, 2015
abgalpal101
Jan 22, 2015
Common App essay- tell me if this is INTERESTING OR BORING. Thats all i want...

4 - Were you given a specific prompt to respond to with this essay? It would help us review your work better if...

UndergraduateJYKHSH - Jan 22, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 22, 2015
My father always told me that Grades don't test my Intelligence

5 - I grew up in a state in India where till 10th grade the power of memorization of a student is what...

UndergraduateEnchantress07 - Jan 20, 2015
Enchantress07
Jan 22, 2015
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness" - An issue important to you

2 - Thank you, will do.

Undergraduateyoman316 - Jan 21, 2015
yoman316
Jan 21, 2015
Nursing my way back to school - University of Washington Transfer Personal Statement

1 - Your essay is somewhat confusing to read. Your personal background is not as clearly stated and explained as it should be...

Undergraduatejeffoh93 - Jan 19, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 21, 2015
During my childhood, I was raised in a city of Bekasi in Indonesia; review for APU University Essay

2 - Hello Anthony, for you information, the university application administrator have all your records in their file. So you really don't have...

UndergraduateAndreAA - Jan 20, 2015
kibz95
Jan 21, 2015
First generation US-born citizen - Texas

2 - Hello, I think what you have done here is focus way too much on your negative past, without really painting...

Undergraduateyoman316 - Jan 21, 2015
admission2012
Jan 21, 2015
3 minutes glory on stage, 10 years of hard work off the stage - essay about educational gap.

4 - but the conflict didn't involve me, but the thing happens afterward involved me, and I've learned something from that incident

Undergraduatealphonse95 - Jan 20, 2015
alphonse95
Jan 20, 2015
Discovering an interest in accounting - UTexas Statement of Purpose

1 - - I can see your problem. This particular portion is quite generic in feel and substance. Rather than pointing out...

Undergraduateblind527 - Jan 9, 2011
vangiespen
Jan 20, 2015
Since childhood, I heard a quote "Hard work is the key to success" from every successful person.

1 - Kindly clarify the common app essay prompt that you are trying to respond to with this narrative. It seems to me...

Undergraduatesaurabh112 - Jan 20, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 20, 2015
My initial interest in naval service came from the death of my Tata

1 - While it is nice to see that there is a naval legacy in your family, which is an excellent basis for...

Undergraduatemnulk100 - Aug 4, 2013
vangiespen
Jan 20, 2015
People learn more by watching TV - the news updates incessantly feeds information to its watchers

7 - By the way, my name is Ahmad, so please keep it informal and feel free call me Ahmad. I'm an...

Undergraduatekibz95 - Jan 19, 2015
ah_zafari
Jan 20, 2015
How a trillion cells function every day, every minute, every second to keep me alive? NUS essay

3 - Yes, I see your point. I'll start over and write about one incident. Thank you.

Undergraduatekmouli97 - Jan 17, 2015
kmouli97
Jan 19, 2015
Man's tears. From earliest childhood, I had always tried not to show tears in front of people.

5 - I honestly think your essay is very good. But I'm not so sure that it's completely relevant to the prompt....

Undergraduateksyar2001 - Jan 17, 2015
kmouli97
Jan 19, 2015
"I am the eagle and the honey-bee" - Rice perspective

1 - Hello Mr. Gull. Well done. I had fun reading this essay because I can relate to your thoughts. We all have...

Undergraduatesg120 - Dec 31, 2011
kibz95
Jan 19, 2015
'perception of life and death'- Quest Bridge Essay - Need Revision

1 - Okay, this particular essay that you wrote does not respond to the prompt at all. What you wrote, in my opinion,...

Undergraduatemrinalinishah - Sep 20, 2012
vangiespen
Jan 19, 2015
'Breaker / Just Go Back' - Common App Personal Statement

1 - Aside from the grammatical errors that need to be corrected (I'll point those out below), you have written a very thorough...

UndergraduateCIEL - Oct 21, 2012
vangiespen
Jan 19, 2015
there is a world beyond the classroom / my way of seeking social responsibility

2 - Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. I was hoping that since I'm still active as a mentor that tutoring would work...

UndergraduateMisakaMikoto - Jan 18, 2015
MisakaMikoto
Jan 19, 2015
UBC application mini essay - in order to obtain fulfillment in life, you need to expand your horizon

2 - Ni Hao Lu HuiDong xue sheng (I've spent several years in China as well. I thought you were Chinese from your...

Undergraduatehuidong lu - Jan 19, 2015
kibz95
Jan 19, 2015
Cultural Understanding, Academic Elements and History - UnUW international transfer Writing Section

1 - Hello Ms. Harwa. First, well done! You applied all the details you needed to put but sadly, in my opinion, this...

Undergraduatehawoortie - Jan 18, 2015
kibz95
Jan 19, 2015
"The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort"

3 - Okay thanks i will keep this in mind next time. :D

UndergraduateBurki - Jan 18, 2015
Burki
Jan 19, 2015
why usc? essay, already submitted but considering re-using basic topic

1 - The latter part of your essay that truly deals with the reasons you consider USC the university for you is the...

Undergraduatejjadventure - Jan 21, 2013
vangiespen
Jan 18, 2015
I completely failed, just as I had predicted; UC -OVERCOMING FAILURE

1 - One of the important factors that need to be represented in this essay is the method by which the event that...

Undergraduateiluvchocalate13 - Nov 28, 2013
vangiespen
Jan 18, 2015
COMMON APP ESSAY about three things to take from a burning house.

1 - When you ask us to help you trim down your essay, we need to know what your minimum and maximum word...

Undergraduaterpendyala - Dec 25, 2011
vangiespen
Jan 18, 2015
Diversity: Be Grateful For It - Common Application Essay for Boston University

1 - Your essay is quite theoretical and academic in nature. While the prompt does allow you some room for personal insight on...

Undergraduateakitarane - Nov 27, 2009
vangiespen
Jan 18, 2015
Boarding school essay--Choate. Tell us how this trait or value came to be or has been developed

1 - While this is a highly developed essay, it lacks one main feature. There is no paragraph that refers the reader to...

Undergraduatebobcat123 - Dec 22, 2014
vangiespen
Jan 18, 2015
"I Made It" The feeling when crossing the finish line after a race sends me into complete bliss. NYU

1 - Your third paragraph is just a shorter redundancy of your second paragraph. Either delete it or reword it to include a...

Undergraduatejbueno - Jan 18, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 18, 2015
Academia is a major connection point between people. USC college essay 250 word short essay.

3 - Your essay is pretty off topic, you don't even begin to answer the prompt until the last third of the essay....

Undergraduatecreneu - Dec 1, 2014
MisakaMikoto
Jan 18, 2015
Building homes/ comprehensive learning; WHY NJIT?

1 - Pedro, it is really hard to judge your written work at this point because you did not provide the prompt for...

Undergraduate1995pedro - Jan 7, 2013
vangiespen
Jan 18, 2015
Extracurricular Elaboration And Such -- Science Bowl Oh My God It's Growing Tentacle

1 - Casey, it is hard to determine what the actual essay prompt is for this piece of work because you did not...

UndergraduatecaseySchooling - Oct 18, 2012
vangiespen
Jan 18, 2015
When I was three years old, my parents left me and my sister to our grandparents and came to the USA

2 - It needs a better focus. You tend to go a little off topic at times, i would suggest that you mention...

UndergraduateBoa503 - Nov 26, 2014
Burki
Jan 18, 2015
'wisely and dynamic environment', 'my intelligence as a student and thinker' - Transfer essay

2 - This sounds way too similar to the last paragraph of my UW transfer essay draft that I posted three days earlier......

Undergraduateharvard_v - Jan 18, 2015
gmact61
Jan 18, 2015
As I study anthropology, my perspective on the human condition shifts. UNCW admission essay

1 - The whole essay is really quite insightful and strong. You have managed to portray your well rounded interest in anthropology and...

UndergraduateJDO3689 - Jan 17, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 18, 2015
My achievements - I currently maintain a hydroponics lab at a local PAL.

1 - You don't need to talk about your achievements in this essay. When you are asked "What can you offer NYU?" the...

Undergraduateonesliceofham - Jan 1, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 17, 2015
Readmission Essay; 'I have identified and learned from the mistakes I made'

1 - You can't really use this essay at this point because it does not properly respond to the prompt provided. I do...

UndergraduateWhatsInAname - Jun 5, 2014
vangiespen
Jan 17, 2015
"Collin, you look like a monk" Culture in my life - Princeton Supplement!

1 - Your fourth paragraph in my opinion, should reflect upon the value of this culture of acceptance became a valuable part of...

Undergraduatecollindching - Jan 1, 2014
vangiespen
Jan 17, 2015
Miral School and smile - Williams College Supplement

1 - Lilly, you almost had the prompt excellently answered with the first part. Then you went flash forward by 2 years and...

Undergraduatelilly1218 - Jan 1, 2014
vangiespen
Jan 17, 2015
Bless them!; Transfer Grinnell College(Place, People, Culture)

1 - First things first. You need to mention the nationality of your parents. Where did your family originally come from? I think...

UndergraduateChichoTran - Apr 1, 2013
vangiespen
Jan 17, 2015
Unrequited; NYU PS; Significant experience/achievement

1 - Okay, you have used some very flowery words and created a highly imaginative piece of writing. However, it is not compelling...

Undergraduatekwameampadu - Dec 30, 2012
vangiespen
Jan 17, 2015
My desire for success made a significant impact to my grade

3 - Yes. Remove all discussion and reference to not knowing where you would be attending college and the like. Concentrate instead on...

Undergraduatehiatt - Jan 17, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 17, 2015
I survived a storm (CommonApp Essay about self transformation - prompt #5)

3 - I'd be glad to help you with the editing once the final content of the paper is done. Please refer to...

Undergraduateaziz9507 - Jan 15, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 16, 2015
If my father hadn't won a lottery for a visa to the USA then my life would be terribly different

3 - Yes, I think it is still negative. btw, it is a better idea to talk more about inspirational role of...

Undergraduatejjjjjjaneyyyy - Jan 14, 2015
ah_zafari
Jan 16, 2015
A prestigious education is at the heart of all goals I would like to pursue in life. USC Application

1 - I was able to edit your essay down to 166 words. I hope this version works for you. I removed the...

Undergraduatenavreetbhangu - Jan 15, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 15, 2015
Villanova - "one outfit completely altered my own esteem like no other"

3 - Your piece is striking. But it could be improved with words that express exactly what you mean to say. For example...

Undergraduatesavyivan - Jan 14, 2015
thojoe
Jan 15, 2015
USC Supplements. From skinny boy to Badminton Varsity Team

3 - You first have to consider if you enjoyed being the treasurer of the Badminton club. If you did, then surely there...

Undergraduatel61696 - Jan 15, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 15, 2015
A Business Venture; With an industrious nature, I have been met with great success - USC Writing

6 - The essay is alright if you are planning to use it for a different common app prompt. Perhaps one relating to...

UndergraduateMustwritewell - Jan 15, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 15, 2015
Academic and Personal Elements required - University of WA Seattle Transfer Essay (Autumn 2015)

1 - +1 for deadlifts I think you should focus a bit more on academic history/major and career goals. As it...

Undergraduategmact61 - Jan 15, 2015
MisakaMikoto
Jan 15, 2015
Helping others is as my second nature - UT Austin Upper Division Nursing Class Application Essay

2 - I like your essay, I think it's full of enthusiasm and energy. As my English grammar is not so good, I...

UndergraduateLonghornGal - Jan 15, 2015
Acioncion
Jan 15, 2015
To me, Lafayette is an "oddly sentimental" college, sensitive enough to know what I am looking for.

3 - You are writing essay drafts at this point so you should not consider the word limit yet. It is always in...

Undergraduategloria0001 - Jan 15, 2015
vangiespen
Jan 15, 2015
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