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Born in India, I chose FIT.


Guest /  
Jan 17, 2011   #1
Hello Mr. Kevin...Id really appreciate it if you or any of the EF moderators could help me with my essay "Born in India, I chose FIT" which was updated yesterday!!..I did get feedbacks but Id like to know if I need further correction or deletion of words.

Much appreciated
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 25, 2011   #2
Hello,

I think your thread may have been deleted as the result of leaving meaningless or unhelpful feedback for other people. If that is not true, I apologize. I did notice that your essay was deleted, which may mean that one of the other moderators thought you were not participating appropriately by helping others. I do not know if that is true or not, so if I am wrong please accept my apology.

If you have not given any help to other essayists, please go to the Unanswered list and comment on people's essays. Here is some feedback that I typed for your essay just before it was deleted (see below),

:-)
Susan

I was born in India and brought up in Bahrain and attended The Asian School, Bahrain till the 8th grade.

When I read this first paragraph, I think it should not be the first paragraph. I think it should be paragraph #2. You should add an intro paragraph before this paragraph, and give a thesis statement that tells the reader about the concept you want her to remember after finishing the essay. That sentence above is not interesting enough to hook someone's attention. It is just informative. I think it is GREAT as the PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE for paragraph 2, but not as the first sentence of the essay.

I like the ending. I think you should mention a few more short term goals to show the reader what you are working on right now to prepare yourself.

Also, having heard recommendations by friends, learning about the FIT experience from students, a nd getting my questions answered on time made it easier for me to choose FIT, wherein where I could execute ...

:-)


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