Bear in mind the kelly in reference is our class Valedictorian... we have a history of friendly competition
Would everyone please rise?
Pause
Thank you. You may be seated.
That felt great.
When I first approached my salutatorian speech, I had one modest, yet unmistakable objective in mind: to eclipse Kelly's valedictorian address as the single most riveting display of prodigious speech giving to ever have been delivered. Well... perhaps two objectives. Aside from overshadowing Kelly, I thought I might also impart to my fellow graduates some traditional salutatorian counsel, some guidance in confronting the looming future of post high-school existence. Also, it rhymes:
As salutatorian, you may consider this my salutation,
Opening remarks to herald you, my congregation,
To this of ceremonious events, our graduation,
Though now with pressure mounting, I seem to be experiencing mild perspiration... sorry, this is embarrassing, Enter Axe Body Spray stage right.
By now, you must all be anticipating some expert feat of inspiration,
The likes of which will merit applause and veneration,
Unfortunately, my speech composition suffered from severe procrastination,
And the rhyming pretty much ends here.
Honestly, though, I recognize my duties as Salutatorian speaker to shield you from the same vacant, barren, middlebrow husk of a speech we've all seen and heard before; the familiar type where some eager student saunters across stage before delivering a self-satisfying, grandiose statement spewing graduation clichés and seemingly profound quotes about "life's transition" and the "pursuit of true happiness."
Pause. Look at Kelly.
And so, if you'll indulge me for a moment, I implore you each to take a deep breath and just listen - concentrate heavily and sincerely listen. Can you hear it: the intricate inner workings of several billion neurons collaborating to postulate sophisticated human deliberation? No, me neither. But if you did, it would likely be the noise generated by your frontal cerebral lobe denoting thought, and astonishingly, I do know what it is you're thinking. You're thinking the same critical assertion hovering around in the collective unconscious of each and every one of you present today: That I, Andrew Moorman, am unquestionably the leading orator and most inventive wit of our generation and in the history of American rhetoric - oh don't worry, there's more - and that this speech, the gold standard of commencement addresses, will inevitably presage the dawning of a new era of salutatory brilliance. Now, I know what you all must be thinking right now, "Get out of my head." But as for the few cynics in the audience unwilling to admit to my accuracy, there is a purpose behind that appallingly self-absorbed statement. I wrote it as proof that even delusional self-assurance can illumine the fear-provoking darkness associated with the future. The thought of delivering a speech before a several thousand-member audience is difficult to process, but it becomes easier when you can openly praise yourself before that same audience of thousands, none of whom can contradict you. Watch, it's fairly easy, and fun too: Andrew, you are fantastic. See? And it's this same haughty self-confidence that I believe every member of our graduating class should tote with his or herself into future happenings, be it college or other, for it is only when we have overwhelming faith in our own success that we can truly realize it and be successful. (Insert Student Specific Message Here).
So, ladies and gentlemen, Class of 2011, practice self-flattery, pat yourselves on the back, and be certain that you have the means and the competence to not merely attempt, but excel in whatever future events happen to arise. And if that fails, you could always try bribing. Thank you.
Ha ha, you have a nice writing style, Andrew.
Use a hyphen:
speech-giving to ever have been delivered.---But was the speech-giving delivered? I don't think so.
...speech-giving ever to have been performed.
oh don't worry, there's more - and that this speech, the gold standard of commencement addresses, will inevitably presage the dawning of a new era of salutatory brilliance.----Ha hahahhaha, you don't need any of my help, this is awesome...
Now, I know what you all must be thinking right now, "Get out of my head."
Very good stuff, here. Thanks for sharing it.
When you give this speech, treat every line as a speech in itself. Do not ruin it by hurrying. Not even a little. If you have any extra energy, i.e. butterflies in the stomach, use that energy to ring each sentence like a bell, and then pause. Keep some attention on your feet and in your lower abdomen, and take in a deep breath before each part of the speech. Let your inhalations relax you, and let your exhalations pour out each line of this, one-at-a-time. I don't know if you know all these tricks or not, but I share them just in case.
I hope the audience understands all of it and appreciates it as much as I do.
