Unanswered [0] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Speeches /     

talk about someone in your family who you admire


answers: 7
Apr 26, 2009, 02:11pm   #1
My english teacher ask me to do this essay about someone I admire, I wonder if you could help me to correct it,if there is any language problem or wrong words, for example. Thank you very much!

We all have someone in our family who we most admire. From my perspective these people are essential for us as we have somebody to mirror ourselves.
In my case, the person I most esteem is certainly my grandfather, whose life story inspires me and even helps me to have a better life.
He was born in Pouso Alegre, a small village in Minas Gerais, son of an idealist journalist who used to fight alongside the small farmers against powerful landowners. He, his mother and brothers used to live happily until the day his dad was murdered. He was just six years old when he started working as a bootblack to help his mother. Life was hard but he never gave up, so after a lot of work and dedication he made his dream and graduated in law in one of the bests colleges in the country.
Everyone have dreams but there are few people in the world strong enough to fight for them. Surely, my grandfather is one of this people. Courage, determination and overrun are the traces of his strong personality that I most prize.
He is also smart and extremely confident. It is always a pleasure to hear his life experiences. I'm looking to follow in his footsteps so that I can be a better person and guarantee a successful future for me.

Apr 26, 2009, 04:01pm   #2
dvizeu:
We all have someone in our family who we most admire. From my perspective these people are essential for us as we have somebody to mirror ourselves\ looh up to, I think, is better.
In my case, the person I most esteem I esteem the most is certainly my grandfather, whose life story inspires me and even helps me to have pursue a better life.
He was born in Pouso Alegre, a small village in Minas Gerais, son of an idealist journalist who used to fight alongside the small farmers against powerful landowners. He, his mother and brothers He used to live happily with his mother and brothersused to live happily until the day his dad was murdered. He was just six years old when he started working as a bootblack to help his mother. Life was hard but he never gave up, so .After a lot of work and dedication he made realized, achieved, accomplished his dream and graduated in law in one of the bests colleges in the country.
Everyone have dreams but there are few people in the world but only a few are strong enough to fight for them. Surely, my grandfather is one of this thosepeople. Courage, determination and overrunstriving? are the traces of his strong personality that I most prize.
He is also smart and extremely confident. It is always a pleasure to hear his life experiences. I'm looking aspiring to follow in his footsteps so that I can be a better person and guarantee a successful future for me myself.


Well done. I truly admire both your style and your grandfather. Indeed it's a pleasure to have someone like him around! Thank you for sharing this with us.

Accept my regards, and keep up the good work!
From my perspective, it seems that these people are essential for us, as they provide us with reference points to use as we make our decisions we have somebody to mirror ourselves.

My grandfather, his mother, and his brothers used to lived happily until the day his dad was murdered.

For your first paragraph, you should use a very interesting sentence to start, to get the reader's attention. Then, explain your main point. Why was your grandfather the person you chose, even though some other people might have similar qualities?

Make that first paragraph longer...

Then, in the conclusion, you don't really say anything new, here. You just repeat that he is the person you admire. Can you say something philosophical at the end?
Apr 27, 2009, 09:03pm   #5
if this is going to be a speech i would end it before this
"He is also smart and extremely confident. It is always a pleasure to hear his life experiences. I'm looking to follow in his footsteps so that I can be a better person and guarantee a successful future for me."

it could be a good conclusion to an essay, but for a speech i think those line before this paragraph were much more powerful.

:)
Apr 27, 2009, 09:12pm   #6
Hi Débora - I am just putting the finished piece after Rosamond's corrections above:

We all have someone in our family who we most admire. From my perspective these people are essential for us as we have somebody to look up to. In my case, the person I esteem the most is certainly my grandfather, whose life story inspires me and even helps me to pursue a better life.
He was born in Pouso Alegre, a small village in Minas Gerais, son of an idealist journalist who used to fight alongside the small farmers, against powerful landowners. He used to live happily with his mother and brothers, until the day his dad was murdered. He was just six years old when he started working as a bootblack to help his mother. Life was hard but he never gave up. After a lot of work and dedication he realized his dream and graduated in law in one of the best colleges in the country.
Everyone has dreams but there are few people in the world strong enough to fight for them. Surely, my grandfather is one of this those. Courage, determination and constantly striving are the traces of his strong personality that I most prize. He is smart and extremely confident and it is always a pleasure to hear his life experiences.
I aspire to follow in his footsteps so that I can be a better person and guarantee a successful future for myself.

Now, may I leave a message for her -

Rosamond: You were not in the wrong, so do not think that is what everyone on this forum believes. Only that particular thread has been removed. I am happier to read your writings than of the 10,000 others!
Good advice and help here! Thanks, everyone.

Here is a request from me to all the people giving corrections: In order to help us avoid duplicate content, please take out each individual sentence as you correct it rather than pasting the whole essay. That serves a few different purposes, but I know it is inconvenient for you. In this thread, the content is different in each of the versions, so it is okay, but in some threads I have to delete the original essay in order to avoid too much duplicated content in the thread.

Thanks!!
Apr 28, 2009, 05:13pm   #8
Rajiv:
He was born in Pouso Alegre, a small village in Minas Gerais, son of an idealist journalist who used to fight alongside the small farmers, against powerful landowners. He used to live happily with his mother and brothers, until the day his dad was murdered. He was just six years old when he started working as a bootblack to help his mother.



The part of your essay I've excerpted above is really strong -- it deals in specific details that capture the readers' interest.

Rajiv:
Life was hard but he never gave up. After a lot of work and dedication he realized his dream and graduated in law in one of the best colleges in the country.


This is weaker, because it is more general and vague. You skim over what must have been a very interesting history. I'd suggest revising the second half of your essay to make it as detailed as the first half.



Home / Speeches /

Thread closed ✓