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Speech about my self (and dream to be a soccer player)



idoonieThreads: 1
Posts: 1
Author: Idon
   
Sep 7, 2010, 11:57am   #1
I need help, i have a speech an i need someone to check for mistakes please.....and i need to add more ideas, because it has to be 4-5min long



Hello, my name is Idon. I was born July 3rd, 1994, in Michigan. Many people like to call me "Idoonie", well mostly girls. My ethnic background is part Turkish, an Chaldean. I speak Arabic, and understand little of Turkish and Chaldean. I have one brother, and one sister, both are older than me and they are in college. My mom, is just like any other, caring, and will doing anything for me. My dad passed away earlier this year, on February 10, 2010 due to an infection in his blood during while bring in the hospital. He was in the hospital because had a cancer called Leukemia. My dad was 62 when he passed away, only a couple of months short of turning 63. I am a well-rounded person. I love to play the sports, including soccer, tennis, basketball, and football. I play soccer every year, on an indoor team and high school team, except for this year I am not doing soccer for Sterling Heights High School. The reason is that I pulled a muscle in my back in May of this year, which resulted in me going to physical therapy for a month; I am still recovering from my injury till today. One of my favorite foods to eat is sushi. I love to eat seafood. One of my hobbies is photography. I am really good at it, I enjoy taking pictures an keeping it for memories to come. Furthermore, one of my favorite movies is, "Goal: The Dream Begins." I recommend to all of you to watch it. It's about a kid like me chasing his dream to become soccer player. Can a man exist without a dream? Hardly ever. My biggest dream was to be a soccer player ever since I was little, but I gave up that dream to be a Doctor. The thought of caring and helping people, makes me feel good inside



zengrzThreads: 5
Posts: 114
Author: rey z
   
Sep 7, 2010, 04:11pm   #2
Hi.

I think overall this is an excellent speech. You have talked about everything that is meaningful to you without much adjectives or empty sentences. Good job!

idoonie:
My dad passed away earlier this year, on February 10, 2010 due to an infection in his blood during while bring in the hospital.

It is only 2 days away from my birthday when he passed away. I am really sorry that this has happen.

idoonie:
My dad was 62 when he passed away, only a couple of months short of turning 63. I am a well-rounded person. I love to play the sports, including soccer, tennis, basketball, and football.

This transition is really subtle; just in the previous sentence, you talked about your father passing away. You have changed not only the tone, but also the subject, and this makes you speech sound strange. Instead, you can add a sentence in between to connect the subjects better.

My dad was 62 when he passed away, only a couple of months short of turning 63. Despite that, I am still passionate about the things I loved (or something). I am a well-rounded person. I love to play the sports, including soccer, tennis, basketball, and football.

The conclusion is pretty kewl!

G L~


freezard7734Threads: 19
Posts: 292
Author: DEC
   
Sep 7, 2010, 06:07pm   #3
zengrz:
This transition is really subtle; just in the previous sentence, you talked about your father passing away. You have changed not only the tone, but also the subject, and this makes you speech sound strange. Instead, you can add a sentence in between to connect the subjects better.

My dad was 62 when he passed away, only a couple of months short of turning 63. Despite that, I am still passionate about the things I loved (or something). I am a well-rounded person. I love to play the sports, including soccer, tennis, basketball, and football.

Yes. I also felt the same. Regardless of what you write, create a theme or main idea and stick with it. From this speech, I am kind of inferring that your main idea has to do with being a doctor. In that case, try to connect everything you say to that cause. For example, when you say your father passed away (I'm really sorry about that. I can't imagine what it would be like without my dad.), connect that experience to your desire to be a doctor. Do you understand what I mean?


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,155
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Sep 9, 2010, 11:36am   #4
Many people like to call me "Idoonie" (well, mostly girls).

My ethnic background is part Turkish and part Chaldean. I speak Arabic and understand little of Turkish and Chaldean.

I have one brother and one sister, and both are older than me and in college.

My mom is just like any other -- caring, and willing to do anything for me.

...due to an infection in his blood during while being brought to the hospital. ---- did I fix this sentence correctly?

He was in the hospital because had a cancer called Leukemia. My dad was 62 when he passed away, only a couple of months short of turning 63. --- this is a very powerful part of the essay, and it really makes the reader connect with you. I think it should be given its own paragraph. Please divide the essay into paragraphs. One paragraph = one idea so an essay will have maybe 3 or 4 ideas.

Here is a new idea, so use it to start a new paragraph: I am a well-rounded person. I love to play the sports, including soccer, tennis, basketball, and football. I play soccer every year, on an indoor team and high school team, except for this year I am not doing soccer for Sterling Heights High School. The reason is that I pulled a muscle in my back in May of this year, which resulted in me going to physical therapy for a month; I am still recovering from my injury till today.

Again, start a new paragraph for new ideas:
Other miscellaneous characteristics reflect my personality. For example, one of my favorite foods to eat is sushi. I love to eat seafood. One of my hobbies is photography. I am really good at it, I enjoy taking pictures an keeping it for memories to come. Furthermore, one of my favorite movies is, "Goal: The Dream Begins." I recommend to all of you to watch it. It's about a kid like me chasing his dream to become soccer player. Can a man exist ....---- I like this paragraph, but did you notice that I had to add a TOPIC SENTENCE? I added a sentence to say something about how they all reflect your personality. The first sentence of any paragraph should say something about the main idea of the paragraph.

So, try dividing this into paragraphs, and google this:
how to write good topic sentences

:-)


mea505Threads: -
Posts: 360
Author: Mark Abell
   
Sep 9, 2010, 11:45am   #5
It's an excellent speech.
both are older than me ==> watch this statement: "both are older than I." (the "am" is understood).

I also agree with Kevin. You need to separate your speech into paragraphs, each with it's own identifiable topic.

Mark




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