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"WELL ROUNDED"; Courage to Grow Scholarship- Why I deserve this scholarship?


tanyasilva11 10 / 38  
Dec 21, 2010   #1
The word "well rounded" might come to mind when people first meet me. I have a good academic standing, numerous hours of community service, and I am highly involved in clubs and sports on campus. People recognize my drive and dedication, however, what they do not recognize is that I am a child of domestic violence.

My father is an alcoholic and an avid user of crystal methamphetamine. The chemicals in his body have led him to do terrible things to my family and I. Many nights I am awoken by my mothers screams or the sound of items shattering as they are thrown at the walls. The police have been called numerous times to alleviate the situation, but every night is worse than the last.

My only escape from this chaos is to attend a good university. For the past 4 years I have committed myself to my schoolwork and extracurricular activities. During school I push my problems at home to the back of my mind and focus on what I need to do to get into a good university. I have accomplished many of my academic goals, so now the only thing holding me back is the issue of paying for college. I deserve this scholarship because I have come so far in life, and I do not want to stop now. This scholarship money would enable me to continue my education in order to become a lawyer, which would allow me to fight for women and children of domestic abuse.

The word limit is 250, this essay is 253.
I've deleted everything I can, so please tell me what else I can take out.
Any criticisms and comments are welcome. Thank You!!
rajeshaaidu 2 / 31  
Dec 21, 2010   #2
Dear Silva,
You can try making these changes because it will not change the meaning of your writing after these changes also.

I have a good academic standing, numerous hours of community service, and good participation I am highly involved in clubs and sports on campus.

My father is an alcoholic and an avid user of crystal methamphetamine.

The chemicals in his body have led him to do terrible things to our family my family and I .

Please consider these suggestions also-
The police have been called numerous times to calm down or normalize alleviate the situation (Don't give preference to heavy words because it may not fit there)

For the past 4 years, I have committed myself to my schoolwork and extracurricular activities.

People recognize my drive and dedication, however, what they do not recognize is that I am a child of domestic violence. (Delete second comma in aforementioned sentence because however is not a parenthetical word here but it's used here as co-ordinating conjunction.)

Hope it helps!!!
Thanks


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