Hello, I am applying for Korean Government Scholarship Program-2016 and have written a personal statement for it. Maybe there are many unnecessary lines.And my English is not highly standard. So it will be helpful for me if you give me some suggestions to improve this Personal statement.
Dear Sir,
I was very glad when I saw this particular opportunity to apply for study in Korea and With this letter I would like to express my personal statement for this Scholarship Program.
There are so many points that have made me influenced for applying in KGSP. At first, Korean academic environment is highly competitive. And I believe competition can enhance a student's enthusiasm to work hard and acquire a good result. Secondly, from an early age I have always been deeply interested in Science. Making Science projects is my hobby from childhood. It would be best for me if I get a chance to study in a institution which is prominent in Science. And in present days Korea is an advanced country in Science and Technology .Thirdly, I like the harmony between modernity and culture. Moreover, it also can be said that a rich culture can develop a person's mind and grow leadership. In this sense Korea holds a unique cultural heritage and tradition. A vital reason for applying in this scholarship is my family's financial hardship. I am from a middle class family. That is why, my father's income is not sufficient to bear my higher educational cost. So it is impossible for me to study in a good institution without any scholarship. Finally, every student is concern about his/her career after completing Graduation. In my point of view Korea Is an open platform for shaping a successful career..All of the thoughts above are deeply motivated me to apply for the scholarship program.
I have completed my Higher Secondary Certificate from the, best college of country, Notre Dame College. From my kindergarten school I was bright student. I am a student of Science and I feel interested in technology like computer, micro controller, mobile phone etc. On the other hand Mathematics is my favorite subject. So, I have decided to be a Computer Science Engineer. In this perspective, I follow those people who had made them renowned by working on modern technology. I had already made so many ideas and projects related to IT and I won a National Prize for my IT project. As a graphics designer I had worked in many publications. Graphics designing is fully computer based work and this thing has made me more interested in Computer. In my family ,I am the elder son of my parents. They have a lot of dreams with me. Moreover I have three younger brothers and they are followed by me. So if I can make a great career of myself then they will get more inspiration.
A significant experience in my life is participating in the 1st International Nature Summit-2015. I have participated in so many science based competition but this competition was quite different and risky for me. The competition required an amount of money for the entry. But on that time I was in financial crisis. So in normal logic I was not supposed to participate on that competition. But in the meantime a fabulous nature related project is rounding in my mind. A strong desire rose in me to participate in the International competition anyhow and show my idea to all. Then I started working hard
to materialize my project though I was not sure that I could manage the entry money or not. .Thereafter God shows me the way. Some of my friends helped me to meet the money matter they had also participated with me.. At last I arrived on the program with my project and displayed the idea to all the visitors. I was happy for the successful participation on there but wished for something more. I was praying to my God to win an award though it was close to impossible. But on that day my fate was with me. I had won the 'Runners Up' trophy for my outstanding project. My determination and strong desire made me successful to win an international competition.I had joined a seminar of Mahmudul Hasan Shohag, A scientist and entrepreneur, and that seminar is the turning point of my life. On that seminar I had known about how to use our brain properly, how to focus our concentration in a certain topics, how to do a impossible work with the unlimited power of human brain, how to avoid attractive things , how to design our life and how to be a great person. A quote of him inspire me every time and the quote is "You have a 50 billion worth brain with unlimited potential. So why do you need anything else to shine?."
From my childhood I was actively engaged with extracurricular activities. My first step in the extracurricular activities is joining the Bangladesh Scouts at the age of 10.My scouting life was full of success and adventurous. I was the youngest Senior Patrol Leader in our Scout Group. I had participated in many Scout Camping and joined a lot of training. Scouting taught me that how to survive in a critical situation like living in a forest without the help of modern technology. I also was a member of a Child Society named 'Fulkuri'. This Society worked with teen aged people for the welfare of society. Along with this society , I planted many trees in our city, cleaned our national park and organized many seminar for children rights. In 2011when I am in 9th class, I and some of my friends formed Motijheel Model Science Club(MMSC). This club learned me how to love and feel Science. I worked as a dedicated member in MMSC as a result I was nominated the President of the club. A science successful fair was organized under my authority.Then in 2013, I became a member of Notre Dame Science Club(NDSC) when I was studying in Notre Dame College. Notre Dame Science Club is the biggest and oldest science club holding it's 60 years glory. For my hard work, integrity, leadership and transparency in Notre Dame Science Club , I was selected President of Publication.NDSC is a big part of my life. NDSC has trained me organizing, leadership, transparency integrity and many other qualities that are helping me now and will also be a great support for my future life. I had worked with a Welfare Society named "Amra Kuri". I was a volunteer in many tragedy or disaster of our along with this society.In Short, Extracurricular activities are the stimulator my life and I think student life is boring without it.
Bangladesh Council of Scientific and Industrial Research, a scientific research organization of People's Republic of Bangladesh, awarded me the "Special non-institutional scientist award-2011" for my innovative scientific project that can prevent the railway accident. I have achieved another national award from 'Fulkuri Science Club" for the same project in 2009. In 2012 Notre Dame Science Club awarded me Certificate of honour for my creative IT project named "Talking library". Laboratorians Science Club bestowed me the "Certificate Of Excellence" for my enthusiastic perfomance in Biology Olympiad.Graphics designing is my another skill I have acquired the "Certificate of Honour" for a touching digital poster named "Global Warming is not a prediction". I was the graphics designer of our college's yearly magazine 'Audri 2014'. I had also worked for as a designer of a magazine named 'Explorer' and published by Dhaka University Tourist Club. I was the editor of 'Audri (Special Edition-2015)' and working for our an another publication 'Audri-2015' as a editor. I am rubics cuber. I have acquired the skill to solve a rubics cube within 45-55 seconds.I had also said before that I can do graphics designing. I am also an organizer and I had organized three top most and biggest science festival in our country.
Finally, If I get the scholarship then it may be a turning point in my life. Because I think study in Korean with full effort will make my career shine. I want to be a Computer Science Engineer and I hold a big dream in me. So I need a platform where I can go ahead to way of my destination.Alif, the first thing I noticed about your personal statement is that it is formatted in the wrong way. A personal statement is just an essay. A formal essay written in an academic manner. It is not a letter of introduction or anything related to any letter. So you can remove your opening salutation and your first paragraph. Those are really not necessary in the format of a personal statement.
Next, the word count of your personal statement. I am amazed that you were able to write 1344 words for an essay that, at best, should not be more than 500 words long. Unless the maximum word count given to you for this essay is 700 words. Your narrative is too long and it doesn't really have a good chance of holding the interest of the reviewer because of the length. Try to edit this down to maybe 500 words if you can. I have some suggestions regarding how you can do that.
You can start with your motivation for applying for the essay. When you speak of your motivation, you should talk about your interest in computer science and how you feel an education in Korea will help you gain a unique kind of education. It is not really necessary for you to give a detailed discussion of your childhood. Just speak of your interest in computers and how it led you to enroll at Notre Dame. Then explain why you were not able to complete your education there. (At least it sounds like you did not complete the course?) Close that part by opening the eyes of the reviewer to the idea that you are looking at this scholarship as a second chance. The motivation to finally complete your education.
At the point where you should talk about your awards and commendations. Just talk about the ones that you actually won. While a runner up prize is good, the government award that you received in 2011 is more notable and important an achievement. So you should concentrate on a longer discussion of that. Discuss only the important highlights of your awards and accolades. You don't need to discuss each and every activity you participated in because being a runner up doesn't matter as much as you think it will to the reviewer.
Definitely develop the discussion of your participation as president at the Notre Dame Science Club. That is an important extra curricular activity that will show a unique perspective of who you are as a student leader. That is always something that catches the attention of a reviewer. It also shows the significant influence that your previous school may have had on your development as a person and future computer scientist.
Overall, the essay needs to be tightened. It is best that you review it for content. You are the best person to judge which of your experiences you feel will make the most impact in this essay. After you have edited the narrative, you can post the new version here for further review :-)
