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(Mother / Economic Struggles / School / Community) - Scholarship mini-essays


Maht33n 1 / 4  
Mar 25, 2012   #1
Hello! I hope everybody is doing great. I have to supply four essay responses in order to submit an application for a scholarship. I would appreciate any comments on my work thus far, any corrections in grammar or syntax, or any overall suggestions. Thank you very much!!!!!!! I really appreciate it!

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Topic 1: List and describe three unique factors that have most shaped who you are (any obstacles you have faced or passions you have developed are especially relevant). 100 word limit per factor. *

1. My Mother's Guidance

In elaborating the factors that have shaped who I am today, my mother is of all, the most important influence that has transpired in my life. From early childhood, she made it her never ending endeavor to teach me what she believed would make me the best person possible. She taught me manners, so that I could become appreciative towards others; she taught me right from wrong, so that I could be prudent and modest in my decisions; and she taught me to care for others, so that others could look upon me for aid. Her guidance has been immeasurable.

2. Economic Struggles

With no support from my father for more than ten years, my mom and brother have had to fend for themselves the resources necessary for our livelihood in the United States. Due to the current recession, this responsibility has solely fallen on my brother-who by himself, has to support us and also pay his tuition for college. Through their struggles, I have learned to be modest and appreciative for what can be supplied to me, and to be selfless towards others; for I understand, that others in the world have much less than fortune has allowed us to obtain.

3. Hard work in School

From the early days of childhood, I was always motivated by my family to do my best in school. I would always remark them saying, "With a good education, anything is possible". Indeed, their conviction rose to become my own. With my arrival to "the land of opportunity", I matured into a state of full scholastic maturity. Through my arduous work in school, I not only achieved great successes, but I also learned how to be responsible for myself; how to cope with tremendous stress; how to be better motivated; and to always give my best towards achieving my dreams.

Topic 2: If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why? (100 word limit) *

If given the opportunity to make a positive change in my community, then I would improve the sense of unity and care amongst the individuals comprising it. In contrast to my previous residence in Peru, where I lived nearly four years of my life, it is unfortunate to note that here neighbors do not know their neighbors; that people do not gather as a community to look upon the well being of one to the other; and that people choose to be rather solitary. It is important to change this, as a close community is stronger than a fragmented one.
cupcake0923 1 / 1  
Mar 25, 2012   #3
Hard work at school can be more unique. I like the ideas.

Please help to correct my essay. Thanks!
OP Maht33n 1 / 4  
Mar 25, 2012   #4
Thanks to the both of you.

Cupcake, by what you said, what are you exactly suggesting I improve in the uniqueness of my essay? I do need to rearrange the beginning of that essay a little to add a little more continuity and vitality to it...

And I will go over your essay later on today alright? Thank you :)
chin2413 2 / 4  
Mar 25, 2012   #5
Your factors could be a tad more unique or focused, for instance "hard work in school" sounds really vague.

"Always give my best towards achieving my dreams." Try to be more specific. What are your dreams? Does this tie into what you want to major in, or your career path?

As for topic 2. What are you going to do to bring the community together?

I just glanced over your essays, and that is what I came up with. Could you look at mine too?
OP Maht33n 1 / 4  
Mar 25, 2012   #6
chin2413
Thank you very much for your response chin.

I will look into focusing the tittles for my factors somewhat more.

I really wish I could be more specific, but it was just a closing remark. With a one hundred word limit, there is really little opportunity for elaborate explanations or examples :/. For my mini-essays, I proceeded to supply an introduction, then how the specific factor influenced my life.

As for the discussion question on the community, "Topic 2: If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why? (100 word limit) * ".

It only asked what I would change and why. With no reference to what I would do, I just specified examples of why I feel my community is suffering from a mild case of disunity. I really appreciate your interest and input on my question, however. :D

I will look into your essay later on in the day to give you my input. Thanks once again. :)


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