Hi everyone, this is my essay for scholarship to WPI. The deadline is Jan 20 but it's a scholarship supp so plz edit asap. I'll try my best to return favor.
1/ Every possible opinions, criticism, idea is appreciated. Details and corrections, suggestions are encouraged.
2/ Make it short and concise as much as possible.
Topic: With unlimited resources, what great world problem would you solve or what new invention would you create?
10 years ago, I visit my mother's home village for the first time on Tet holidays. The trip transformed my life completely. Back then, my uncle was the one that greeted us. Arriving at his house, I was awed by the settings. His house was so small and couldn't even be called disadvantaged. There were no steady chairs to sit and table was only used for greeting guests. However, his family welcomed us with big smiles and warm hugs. While I was staying at the village, my uncle showed me lots of things of the countryside, from the cashew orchards, the rice paddies to the buffalos and many things else that I have never witnessed. The people were friendly and hospitable. However, it was not hard to find a common pattern among them: poverty. (Need description) Witnessing the kids at my ages and even smaller working on the fields in a cold weather in indecent clothes while I was shivering in thick fur made me ashamed of myself. Having been listened to my mother narratives about how poor and harsh life in the countryside was, I have never really had a sense of it until I witnessed it with my own eyes. While I was living in happiness and warmth and kept sniveling my parents for beautiful toys, many children were working their blood and tear off to have an earning. As we traveled through the rice paddies, I also heard about the Vietnamese Famine of 1945 from my uncle. The stories with my witnessing stroke me hard. I was made understood that poverty is a serious problem that need eliminated, not only in Vietnam but also all over the world. I am motivated to take on the task to lessen the gap between poor. With unlimited resources, I can make transporting much easier and thus, decrease significantly the fee, thus, make food and sufficient supply available everywhere in the world. I will devote my life to make the world a happier place where every child can go to school and every person can live in full.
Pay attention to the bold parts please. These are parts that desperately need fixing. If available, you are encouraged to edit it in MS word using TrackChange and send it to my email at: lostboyvt@gmail.com.
Best regards and have a nice day.
Hi,
I just edited a few parts:
1. Ten years ago, I visited my mother's home village for the first time on Tet holidays.
2. The trip completely transformed my life.
3.There were no steady chairs and tables, however, his family welcomed us with smiles and warm hugs.
4. During my stay at the village ....
5. Having listened to my mother narratives about how harsh life the countryside was, I never really had a idea of it until I witnessed it with my own eyes.
6. The stories with my witnessing stroke me hardThe stories that I heard deeply affected me .
7. I understood that poverty is a serious problem that needs to be eliminated, not only in Vietnam but also all over the world.
8. I With unlimited resources, I would like to make transportation much easier and thus, decrease significantly the fee, thus, make food and sufficient supply available everywhere in the world. I will devote my life to make the world a happier place where every child can go to school and every person can live to the fullest.
you could also mention what ur objective is in the first para - like what problem you would like to solve/invention u would like to create
I liked the description though.
Good luck on ur scholarship :)
