Describe a defining moment in your life that has helped to shape your dreams and plans for the future. (Be sure to lay out your academic/career goals and identify any challenges you've faced or are currently facing and how they have shaped your aspirations). Suggested Length: 300-500 words
(PLEASE HELP)
Since I am the oldest of my siblings, my parents would always expect more from me than my siblings. Although they value education they didn't know how to help me succeed in school;unfortunately, both of my parents stopped going to school in second grade because of family problems in Mexico. What would motivate me to do my best in school is my parent's life struggles and when I would see them coming home from working in the strawberry fields looking beat up, sweaty and really tired.
Although, I did good in school academic wise my first three years were not filled with extracurricular activities because I was not informed of how important extracurricular activities were toward scholarships and colleges. It wasn't until I took the initiative to talk to my counselor about taking a college class that everything changed. I asked her If I could take a college course because I wanted to experience how it feels to take one. She gave me a list of college courses and I chose the subject that grabbed my attention as soon as I saw it -- Psychology.
I had a pre-research paper due by the third day of the first week of class and I had no idea of how to start it. It took me a lot of work to get it done but The course was challenging but it lead me to develop more as a person and a student. I started taking advantage of my resources like using the computers at the library, getting help from tutors in assignments, working together with my classmates and seeking help from my professor during her office hours.
I also developed and improved drastically a skill which I possess which is hard work. Every day after class, I would stay an extra 2 to 4 hours at my local library, studying. After that, I would go home,eat and then continue to study for about one or two more hours. I developed a passion not only for my education, but also for helping others. I signed up for two additional college classes and also helped my younger brother sign up for a college class too. When high school started, I talked to my friends about it and I am currently on the process to help them sign up for college classes. As for me, I'm going to take 11 units next semester in college.
My experience of taking that Psychology class helped me discover my desire to become a counselor and give others the help that I always wished I had received earlier in my high school years. Now, I'm guiding my younger brothers on the steps to take in order to get admitted into a 4-year college. My passion for succeeding and learning can be shown through all the extra activities I'm doing now other than just attending school. This experience is what makes me the helpful, hardworking and self-motivated person that I am now.
ALSO PLEASE HELP ME ON THIS QUESTION
Sports teach important lessons in leadership, teamwork, and sportsmanship. How have you embodied these qualities on your team AND in your community? (Your community could include: your volunteer experiences, any leadership roles at your school or youth groups, and/or any other projects or efforts you think we should really know about!)
Please review my essay.
Okay so I corrected some mistakes I saw on my first paragraph:
Since, I'm the oldest of siblings, my parents would always expect more from me than my
brothers and sister. Although, they value education they didn't know how to help me succeed in
school. The reason why is because both my parents stopped going to school in second grade
because of family problems they faced in Mexico. When I would see my parents coming home
from working in the strawberry fields looking beat up, sweaty and really tired, it would always
motivate me to do my best in school. Although, I did good in school academically, my first three
years were not filled with extracurricular activities because I was not informed of how important
extracurricular activities were toward scholarships and colleges.
Danny, while I appreciate that you want to share a little bit of your backstory with the reviewer, it does not really manage to connect to the prompt in a
manner that relates to the prompt. In fact, it does not create any interest at all on the reviewer's part if you keep that as your opening paragraph. My suggestion is that you revise the opening statement so that it reflects the decision making process that led you to take that very first college class. Making the decision to take that class was the true defining moment of your high school life so you should not make it a second stringer in your opening remarks. It should be the center topic of the essay.
That said, I would like you to double check your essay after you have written your new introduction. Be sure to proof read it and correct all of the spelling and punctuation errors. I have seen parts where you have a capital letter for a word without a period preceding it to indicate the start of a new sentence. Little problems like that can have a definite negative effect on the impression you are making with the reviewer.
As for the second prompt, I am not sure how you can accurately respond to it if, as you mentioned in your previous essay, you did not have any extra curricular activities. I am thinking that maybe you have worked part-time somewhere and have been required to work with a team or group in order to accomplish tasks? I believe that we can spin that into as close a prompt response as we can if you did. Tell me about the work and I will look into how we can spin it for your benefit.
