Please help me with content and grammar, i feel like it's super basic.
Since skinned knees and bruised elbows crossing over boys on the recess asphalt, my passion has been basketball. One goal I have is to place at the State basketball tournament - proudly sporting black and red jerseys that have been overlooked, even derided, in the past. I will continue to elevate team confidence and trust. Inspirational coaches have caused me to value enthusiasm and the ability to compete as well as love and cherish teammates. In fifth grade, at 5'8, I scripted a diary goal to play on a college team. Seven years and no further inches later, that goal to contribute to a collegiate athletic family remains. Though I have not been offered scholarships, I am contacting coaches, turning in applications, and focusing on improving my athletic and leadership skills because of my passion.
I attend a lower income inner city public school. Opportunities in sports often prove less than our wealthy competition as kids' development is frequently paralleled by their participation in clubs and camps during childhood. Contributing to a group dynamic is beneficial for youth growth, allowing crucial skills such as building from constructive criticism and communication during stress. In the future, I would like to run camps and coach a summer league available for kids who do not start with an environment of extra money or time for sports. This summer, I plan to coach a YMCA team, volunteer with my high school camp, and ref summer league to get experience with coaching.
My short term education goal is not a grade point average. Instead, it is to finish my final semester with a strong learning inclination. To avoid complacency with school, I will strive to keep stretching the initial limits of my brain. My goal is to not fear failure, to ask more questions, and to genuinely grasp topics. My mother, an immigrant from Malaysia was the only woman in her family to graduate high school and leave to receive a higher education; at times, for which she was ridiculed. Along with my father, an avid lover of learning, her roots motivated me to embrace the liberal education opportunities provided in America, to cherish the gift of knowledge.
I want to become a dermatologist. Growing up, I have experienced eczema and acne, common skin conditions that have at times degraded my self confidence. In addition, numerous family members of mine are living with melanoma, living because of dermatology. My current plan is to graduate with a bachelor's in Pre-Health, finish medical school, and complete internship and residency programs. I hope to take part in clinical research relating to dermatology. Currently, I am participating in a double blinded placebo to test a new drug through Premier Clinical Research, increasing my interest. I plan to use my personal traits gained from sports to motivate myself through peaks and valleys which difficult courses and concepts will impose. Similarly, throughout my career, I hope to motivate patients through trials, building a trust and a family-like network.
One goal I have is to be placed at the State basketball tournament ...
... elevate team confidence and trust. Coached into me are strong ethics and values like leadership, sportsmanship and most of all, being a team player. family remains.
... communication during stress. In the future, I see myself coaching a summer league - one which is available for underprivileged kids. This summer, I plan ...
... stretching the initial limits of my brain. I will strive to face and overcome failure, ask questions, and genuinely grasp topics. My mother, an immigrant ...
In addition, numerous family members of mine are struggling with melanoma, living solely because of dermatology. My aim is to graduate with ...
I don't exactly see where you're going with the essay and neither have you provided the prompt. The subject randomly jumps between basketball and your education with little in common. If the prompt is asking for something like your interests, goals or accomplishment then this will do.
Megan, I'd like to share my thoughts to your essay.
As I read and understand your essay, I believe it's written well, you were able to address the
prompt properly and provide the details in a smooth and elaborated manner.
With the above remarks, I would also like to add that your grammar is not bad at all,
you were able to properly form sentences with the right words in the proper places and make
sure that they mean what you want your readers to understand.
Now, with the content, as mentioned, you were able to convey your interest in the scholarship,
your goals as well as your reason on applying in this particular scholarship.
I hope my insights helped and I wish to see more of your writing, never be afraid to write,
may it be a draft, a formal letter or anything, practice makes perfect.
Firstly, your essay seems a bit all over the place. Without an introduction or conclusion, the paragraphs didn't flow into one another. Sentence variation was lacking, and the aggregate of the essay didn't quite advertise how you have been working towards those goals, if that was one of the aims of the prompt.
However, your story had a nice moral touch, delineating you in an altruistic and disadvantaged light. The noting of the dearth of respect your team has received from others and the lack of growth you've experienced, along with coming from a poorer area and having health issues run in the family all serve to put you in an advantage in that aspect of grading. You also gave solid, aboveboard goals, backed up with personal anecdotes, and didn't make any glaring grammatical errors. Overall, you certainly wrote a decent, even personal, essay. Yet, you don't advertise yourself as much as certain scholarships may require; other competitors will be more aggressive than you could imagine.
Keep in mind I am merely a student myself, please take both the criticisms and lauding with a grain of salt. I hope this should help your cause!
