Hi guys! Please help me review my essay (grammatical errors, creativity and general idea) for the chevening scholarship, you guys are doing a great Job here!
* Chevening is looking for individuals that will be future leaders or influencers in thier home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer
Growing up as the first child in my family of seven, I was naturally made to assume the role of a leader by birth and because my younger siblings constantly looked up to me it became obvious that I had to live an exemplary life for them to follow.
Throughout my life, I have encountered the chance to experience the position of being a leader. During my first year in the university, I got myself acquainted with various top student union leaders which eventually lead to my election as the president of the National Association of Physics Students (NAPS) Unijos chapter. This involved organizing executive meetings, holding congresses and carrying out departmental development project. In the course of this, I also experienced democratic leadership through playing on a departmental football team, being part of study groups in the university for class presentations, being a member of certain youth programs in my church. I have gained many important qualities of being a good leader through these experiences. Some of the valuable leadership traits that I have obtained and strengthened are: how to be a team player, to be a better listener, to have more patience, not to be afraid of constructive criticism, to be outspoken and to be a problem solver. Even though I have gained a lot, I still have more things to learn in order to become a better leader. Things like being more assertive, being more disciplined, becoming a better public speaker and learning how to be more realistic and not too optimistic. These are the qualities I would like to develop as part of my study experience in the UK.
These numerous non-academic activities I indulged in never had any negative influence on my academic performance; I worked very hard on my academics and was awarded a full federal government scholarship ( Petroleum Technology Development Fund, PTDF) because of the excellent result I had during my first year and I was able to maintain this scholarship up till my final year. In addition to this I was nominated at the faculty by the Natural Science Students Association, NASSA University of Jos, for the award of "Best Departmental President" and that of " Most influential NASSITE" I was eventually awarded the best departmental president in faculty of nine departments, while also bagging of the most intelligent male in my department.
I personally believe influence is about communicating ideas and making them stick, this fuels my desire of becoming a better public speaker every day. During my with solar electric systems Ltd I delivered a lecture to the engineers at Sheds Science and Technology Complex SHESTCO in Abuja Nigeria and this experience enhanced my reputation, boosted my self confidence and opened up countless opportunities.
Finally, I believe I'm the kind of individual Chevening is trying to spot that will bring a lot of positive leadership influence to his home country Nigeria.
Sebastian, it is not enough for you to simply offer snippets of your leadership skills based upon being an eldest child or through your participation in various school organizations and extra curricular clubs. While I understand that you want to display and inform the reviewer of as much leadership roles that you have undertaken, what you really have to do is concentrate on one particular leadership role that you undertook. Focus your essay on the leadership role that the portrayed in that organization and make the experience count as an embodiment of the future leader and influential person that Chevnig is looking for.
I am sure that as the president of National Association of Physics Students (NAPS), there was a point in time when you found your leadership being questioned or overruled by other people who were members of the organization. Pick the most pivotal moment of your leadership when you were called upon to provide not only leadership, but influence within the group as well.
While you have many an experience regarding leadership, none of the events you depicted actually portrayed you in the leadership role that the prompt requires. Forget about your role as the eldest sibling in the family, that is irrelevant and does not prove the ultimate leadership talent required of future world leaders. The scholarship discussion, not important at all. There are really parts of your essay that can be removed without affecting the essay because of its irrelevance. I am sure that if you review the essay, you will find those points for yourself. That is why I am asking you to review your essay and replace it with a more concrete example. One that will actually provide an insight into your leadership skills and how you use the influence that your position held for the benefit of the organization.
Don't deviate from the essay prompt. The passage about your academics does not hold any relevance to the prompt. However, hearing about why you won the "Best Departmental President" definitely has a relation to the prompt so please, go ahead and expand upon the discussion of how you won that award. Always stay on focus. There are other prompt essays that will allow you to touch on other topics like your academic accomplishments etc. This particular essay, is all about your leadership skills. So play with it and highlight your leadership skills as best as you can.
Thank a lot for this eye opener! I now understand what to do! thanks again! @vangiespen
@xab, I'd like to add my feedback for your essay.
- ...constantly looked up to me, it became..
- holding congresses and carrying
- democratic leadership throughby playing
- on ain the departmental football team,
- ..beingbecoming a good
- Even thoughAs much as I have gained a lot,
- I personally believe that influence
- ...making them stickrealistic and in a consistent manner ,
- During my withencounter with ( I'm not sure if this is what you mean, but you can still edit this part ) solar
@xab, there are a few students who are aiming for the Chevening scholarship too. It will help you to figure out what should be in your essay and it will also help you see what your competitors have in store to be rewarded with the scholarship. I believe your essay can get a lot better if you will be able to write your achievements in full details. I made a few remarks, though and I hope they help!
Thanks a lot justivy03 ! I really appreciate your effort! I still need your help on this! @ vangiespen I have restructured the essay according to your advice, please check it out! Thanks!( General idea, grammatical errors, punctuation errors arrangement etc)
My perspective of a leader is an individual who is capable of providing the vision and motivation to a team so they work toward the same goal. The ability to communicate the vision is vital. In other to be most effective, one needs to be credible and knowledgeable, with a strong believe in ones own idea and self, while at the same time listening to others. Throughout my life, I have encountered the chance to show leadership and influence people both during my educational pursuit and my current job.
First, During my first year in the university I got my self acquainted with various top student union leaders which eventually lead to my election as the president of the National Association of Physics Students (NAPS), Unijos chapter. This involved organizing executive meetings, holding congress and carrying out departmental projects. During this time, I was faced with a board member not carrying out her activities as the vice president of the association. I consulted with her as to what we could do together to fix the problem. We agreed that she couldn't really devote the time that it took to carry out certain projects, and she ended up resigning her position but also stated that she would help her replacement in whatever capacity she could. I felt as though we have come to a conclusion together, rather than thinking I was criticizing her performance which was not the case. I had a plan of action and carried it out successfully. Actions like this coupled with the departmental projects I carried out was responsible for my award as the best departmental president by the students body at the faculty.
Currently, while working with solar electric systems Ltd, my coworkers and I had a huge mailing to complete. We had the choice of working more efficiently as a team, or individually in a much more time consuming manner. My two coworkers did not care for each other and they wanted to complete the mailing on an individual level. When I presented them with the evidence that we could finish an hour earlier by working together, they decided that working together was the right path to take. As a result we finished the mailout in a short period and could work on other task that day.
Finally, I strongly believe that I'm the kind of individual Chevening is trying to spot that would bring a lot of positive leadership to his home country Nigeria.
Xab, just a quick note on your essay. The resulting resignation of your vice president does not instill any confidence in your leadership skills. If the end result of a problem that you faced resulted in the loss of a team member, regardless of the reason and whether the team member willingly resigned the post or not, does not bode well for your leadership skills. A good leader would have been able to prevent the resignation and help the vice president come to some sort of work schedule that could have been workable for both of them. I suggest that you do not use that example for your leadership skills as president of NAPS. Find some other scenario that resulted in a positive outcome for the board or members of the organization. The last image you want to leave the reviewer with is that somebody resigned under your watch.
Here are some grammar corrections for your essay:
Par. 1:
In other order to be most effective
with a strong believe belief in ones
Par.2:
This The duties involved included organizing executive meetings
* Note my comment about not using the story of the resigned vice-president in this paragraph.
Par. 3:
while working with s Solar e Electric s Systems Ltd.
I had a huge mailing to complete - Do you mean sending out letters? Explain what the activity is for the information of the reviewer.
on other task tasks that
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So far the essay has become stronger than the previous version. It is only weakened because of the reference to the resigned vice-president. If you can just revise that part, the essay should be ready to use already.
Still working! Am elated! Thanks a million
