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SCHOLARSHIP APPEAL;I take full responsibility for my grades,absences,embarrassing GPA


littlerebekah 1 / -  
Jun 25, 2013   #1
This is my scholarship appeal for freshman year. I mainly need help on grammar and if you have any other comment please feel free to say so! Thank you so much for your time!!!!!!

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to thank Mississippi State University for the amazing opportunity presented to me in the form of the Freshman Academic Excellence Scholarship and University Non-resident Scholarship. I would also like to thank the committee for taking the time to review my appeal that I never dreamed of writing. Yet, here I am with no one else to blame but myself. I take full responsibility for my grades, absences, embarrassing GPA of a 1.5, and the removal of my scholarships for the fall semester and forward.

My first two years of high school were okay but did not go as expected. I changed to a private school where I became much more successful and confident in my academic endeavors. I worked very hard for the 27 score I received on the ACT and I was very proud of myself. Many people doubted my intelligence level yet I proved them wrong. My freshman semester I roomed with my best friend Olivia Ross. Four weeks into the semester I walked into my room and all of her things were gone. I called her immediately and she simply said, "I can't do it anymore, I need to go home". The room was now bare and unwelcoming. Naturally, I was extremely distraught and emotionally unstable from there on out. I was alone in my room for about 2 month without a TV. Being alone so much I began to feel lonely, worthless, and started to question whether or not my best friend left because of me. In October I was assigned a random roommate named Bryanna Shaffner. Bryanna and I had absolutely nothing in common. She was in the room sometimes during the day yet, at night she would stay with her boyfriend in his apartment. She had not brought a TV so while laying in bed at night I would sit there in silence and my mind would go crazy. After a month Bryanna came up to me and stated that she would be withdrawing from the University. She never stated why and that bothered me. I began to question myself as a person and wondered whether they left the Univerisy because of me. From the moment she left in November, I was alone without a roommate for the rest of the fall semester and spring semester. Being alone that much I became depressed even more so and started sleeping because it was the only time I wasn't sad. With the depression and the sleeping I began to miss class frequently. From there everything began to snowball. It took every part of me to get out of bed. I couldn't care about anything. I received over $500 in parking tickets and I couldn't of cared less. Yet, I should of cared because I do not by any means have that type of money to pay for the tickets. My mom and psychologist knew how bad my emotional status was and she continually told me to seek the MSU student counseling services, yet I never did. I knew I needed it yet, I couldn't bring myself to actually go. My doctor suggested it might help to change medications yet, I was reluctant to do so because I was scared. Changing medications is very hard to do and even more so when battling so many issues. My grades began to suffer so badly and with all the depression I began to have suicidal thoughts. These thoughts happened daily. I felt I was such in a large hole and there was no way out.

My major is psychology here at MSU and I am in love with it. I took general psychology and my test score average in that class was an A. Everyone I knew in my class could hardly get a C on their tests. Yet, I ended up with a C in the class due to the number of absences in the class and not achieving the required Psychology Department research hours. I missed my appointments constantly because I couldn't get myself out of bed to attend the session. I am very VERY passionate about psychology and I know I will be successful in the future because I know I am capable of achieving that success. They say your freshman year is the hardest and it is by far the hardest year of my entire life even over the year my dad became paralyzed. I have been seeing my therapist, Karen Sanders, weekly this summer working with me dealing with the depression and how to take on my sophomore year. I also have promised her and my mother that I will seek the counseling services and go once a month. I am also being prescribed a new depression medication Wellbutrin. I was previously prescribed Prozac and I have been taken off of it due to the adverse effects within the past year. With not only my new positive outlook on the rest of my college career and the new medication, I know that will succeed from here on out.

Enclosed is my psychological evaluation from birth to 2010. My brother and I are the first ever in our family to attend a four year University and I want nothing more than to make my parents proud. I am so honored that I was awarded the scholarships yet, so disappointed and embarrassed that I am responsible for them being taken away. I want to prove to myself, my family, and the University that I am capable of great things and I am capable of attaining the scholarship once again just as I did before. I sit here and ask of a second chance because I know deep in my heart I can do this and there's nothing more I want or need than this.

Thank you for time and consideration,
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jun 25, 2013   #2
I mainly need help on grammar and if you have any other comment please feel free to say so!

Your grammar and mechanics do little or nothing to diminish the quality of your essay. The main grammar problem I see is your incorrect use of the word "yet" at the beginning of several sentences. You also misuse this word within sentences.

It goes like this: complete thought COMMA yetcomplete thought

Also, at least once you use the phrase "couldn't OF" when you really mean "couldn't HAVE."

Those are all easy fixes.

A more subtle and insidious grammar problem concerns your sentence variety. Why begin three or more consecutive sentences with "I" when you can combine them and eliminate this annoyance?

The real problems I see here are as follows:

1. The essay is too wordy. (Don't add anything to this until you've removed all the empty words like "it.")

2. The stuff about your roommate goes on too long.

3. They no longer care about your high school years.

With regard to your content, you need to tell what went wrong and, FAR more important, what is different TODAY.

If you wish, we can communicate more about this via email.


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