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What can you contribute to ___ essay? - alumni scholarship



cgee89Threads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: CL
   
Jun 10, 2009, 07:46pm   #1
So I'm working on this one-page essay for alumni scholarship, here's the topic:

Many people say, "College is what you make of it." You will have many opportunities to utilize your existing skills and talents as well as acquire new ones while attending ___. With this in mind, in what ways do you plan to contribute to ___ and how will those contributions shape your experience?

Basically, I wrote about my academic achievement, volunteer experience, and leadership potential and how I could contribute to the school from utilizing what I've learned

However, I feel like I need some more examples to make my statement stronger

Anyone can give me some advise or what else should I write about to answer the topic question?

(The topic question is too simple which makes it difficult to answer)

Any help will be appreciated, Thanks!



bubuvioThreads: 8
Posts: 42
   
Jun 10, 2009, 08:14pm   #2
Hm, write some examples where your experience was useful or why do you attended to a volunteer programs. Good luck!


EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,666
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 10, 2009, 08:25pm   #3
Why not post what you already have? That would make it much easier for us to suggest ways in which you could improve your writing, as well as to identity areas where new examples would be a good idea.


cgee89Threads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: CL
   
Jun 10, 2009, 09:03pm   #4
Here's my rough draft, still need a conclusion paragraph though...

As a non-native English speaker and a transfer student, my path to attending ___ is significantly different from most American students. In each stages of my academic journey in America, there were many opportunities for me to utilize my existing talents and also acquire new ones. As expected, I have taken full advantage of every opportunities presented to me. Now, I plan to contribute myself to ___ and expect to define one of the most memorable experiences in my life. My contributions and my experiences at ___ will be essential toward success and satisfaction. They will also help shaping one of the most important stages of my academic journey.

My desire to success academically has been motivated by my immigration status and supported by my personality. In order for me to understand the teaching materials, I have to focus and spend more time studying. My eager to learn and improve my knowledge is the secret for my academic achievement and improvement. I can contribute my passion and motivation in pursuing academic excellence as a part of ___ learning community. My college experience at ___ will also allow me to accomplish my academic goal toward success.

Working as a math tutor at my community college was a remarkable experience and training for me. It has improved my communication skills and patience by teaching students as a group or individual. I was able to lead students to improve their math skills and share my knowledge with them. Now I am planning to apply my tutoring experience at ___ and get more involved in the learning community.

My commitment to community and volunteer services is also another thing that I can bring to ___ community. While working hard and excelling in academic achievement, I still find time to volunteer with numerous organizations. Volunteer to distribute goods to homeless people in downtown Los Angeles and help packaging Christmas presents to children in Third World Countries were unforgettable memories for me. My volunteer experiences have positively influenced my life and made me a well-rounded person. I am planning to keep volunteering while attending ___ and it will make my college experience diverse and valuable.


EF_SimoneThreads: 3
Posts: 2,094
Author: Simone, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 10, 2009, 10:10pm   #5
Yes, I agree you need more examples and details to make the essay stronger. You refer to your personality, but we don't really get the chance to see it. Can you tell a story from your tutoring experience or your volunteer service?


EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,666
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Jun 11, 2009, 04:23pm   #6
cgee89:
there were many opportunities for me to utilize my existing talents


What talents?

cgee89:
I can contribute my passion and motivation in pursuing academic excellence as a part of ___ learning community.


How?


cgee89:
I was able to lead students to improve their math skills and share my knowledge with them.


How?

cgee89:
Volunteer to distribute goods to homeless people in downtown Los Angeles and help packaging Christmas presents to children in Third World Countries were unforgettable memories for me.


Why?


Answer the above questions, and you will find yourself adding the examples you need. Please note that all answers should be in the form of personal anecdotes.


bubuvioThreads: 8
Posts: 42
   
Jun 11, 2009, 04:35pm   #7
Hey, Sean has pointed exactly what you need to add to your essay: examples. A story without supporting examples is not very attractive for the reader. Add at least one example at each Sean's question. Overall, I liked your essay but I am looking forward to see next draft, which I hope will be better. Good luck!


cgee89Threads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: CL
   
Jun 11, 2009, 05:06pm   #8
Thank you guys, I was working on it today and I did put more examples to support my statement

Hopefully I could have my next draft by tomorrow...


sound10kpThreads: 5
Posts: 19
Author: Ju Kwon
   
Jun 19, 2009, 01:39am   #9
How about writing about various volunteer programs which you can participate?
Or you can write about how you will give back to your community by church group(if you go to church) or any organizations in your community.
Good luck to you! :)




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