Please use this section to summarise your financial situation; please explain why you wish to study your chosen course, how this relates to your career ambition and why you would be unable to take up your place without financial assistance. Continue on a separate sheet if necessary, but do not exceed 500 words
I wish to pursue my graduate studies at XXX (university name) - Your most esteemed institution, as I believe that a Masters degree will help me realize my ultimate goal, which is to develop myself as a well trained chemical engineer and launch a career into the oil and gas industry.
My interest in sciences stemmed from my days in the local high school, where 90% of the students receded from the sciences - it was perceived as a "no go area"; extra-challenging, no good teachers and less than 20% of those that attempted ever passed. It seemed the way to hell and for me that was the way to go!
In the sciences, engineering appealed to me more than medical sciences due to the love for mathematics and then chemical engineering owing to its versatility and the interest to play in the most essential sector of Nigerian economy - oil and gas.
Masters in advanced chemical engineering will equip me with the required technical skills; enhance my research, analytical and data collection ability while facilitating the goal for a change of career.
I had finished from the university not as the best student. Of course Paul did and though I finished top 10 of about 145 students I knew I had a capacity to do a lot better.
My mum, a nurse, had died in 1998 just while I was preparing for my university exams and Dad, teaching in a high school with a monthly income of about N30, 000 (Thirty thousand naira) , had to support everyone; my elder brother who just got admitted in XXX( another university), myself and three younger ones in the high school. He actually insisted everyone had to go to school.
We understood how hard it was for my Dad and we knew that my siblings had to have the opportunity to come through the high school, so my elder brother and I had to work our ways through the university.
It was a very difficult time for me, missing classes and lab work in most of the evenings and weekends so I can take my sessions in a Lesson center where I taught high school students physics and mathematics.
During my four-month sojourn in XXX(a bank's training institute), the first time in my adult age to engage in a sound academic contest without financial worries, I held the my class and staff spellbound, beating the second best student ( a 2.1/ MSc graduate in Banking and Finance) with the highest grade point difference ever recorded in the school.
With a focus on my career goal, I saved at least 120,000 out of the 170,000 Naira I earned thereafter as my monthly income to enable me pursue a more complete education in my chosen career line.
I had applied and secured an unconditional acceptance in the department during the last session, registered on-line and put together the over 2 million Naira I had saved from my salary and bonuses, with which I applied for a Visa for XXX(name of school), explaining to the embassy that I hoped to pay up my fees in Instalments.
Well, the embassy insisted the financial implication was too much for me not withstanding mediations from some members of XXX(name of school) staff including Dr XXX of the International Office.
I have saved up more money since then, but that still is not enough and having lost one, I have the last opportunity to join XXX(name of school)
I realize that there are cheaper schools but XXX(name of school) seems to me the way to hell!
I can say there's one thing I'm sure of - receiving this scholarship will be the defining moment in my education that will change the very essence of my whole life. Thank you.
The deadline for this essay is tomorrow Friday 29th May...i just discovered this site...please save my soul...thank you.i want it reduced to 500 words as instructed.thank you
I dont have a reply to this post yet. I hear I can still throw in the piece on Monday. thanks
I hadn't replied before because it was locked... perhaps you inadvertently locked it when you first posted it?
I'm of two minds about your "way to hell" phrase... I like it in the introduction and personally find it amusing when you return to it in the conclusion, but I worry what might happen if a reader doesn't get the joke. You may be taking too much of a risk.
Overall, the essay is lively and interesting, but not as organized and coherent as I would like it to be. You jump back and forth in time too often. Starting in the present, then back to high school, then back to the present, then back to university, then to childhood, etc.
To reorganize, (1) look over what you have; (2) abstract the most important points; (3) put these points in a logical order; and (4) draft a revised essay from scratch, using this version as raw material.
Some of your phrases I do not understand. "Of course Paul did" -- what does that mean?
You also have some problems with grammar, with some run-on and improperly punctuated sentences. Rather than go sentence by sentence, since you have so much rewriting to do that they are going to change anyway, what I am going to suggest you do is keep your sentences as short and simple as possible in order to keep the possibility of punctuation errors to a minimum.
Ok thank you. I will reorganise now.
Thank you Simone. I have reorganised to my best. Pls feel free to edit as you think best, change what you wish and remove any parts that needs removed. I want 500 words or less.
Thanks for your time.
Please use this section to summarise your financial situation; please explain why you wish to study your chosen course, how this relates to your career ambition and why you would be unable to take up your place without financial assistance. Continue on a separate sheet if necessary, but do not exceed 500 words
I aim to study advanced chemical engineering at University College London - Your most esteemed institution, as I trust that a Masters degree will form a better knowledge of my course and facilitate launching a career into the oil and gas industry.
My interest in sciences stemmed from the local high school, where 90% of the students receded from the sciences - it was perceived as a "no go area"; extra-challenging, unqualified teachers and less than 20% of those that attempted ever passed. It seemed the way to hell and for me that was the way to go!
Engineering had appealed to me due to my love for mathematics and chemical engineering owing to its versatility and the interest to play in the most essential sector of Nigerian economy - oil and gas.
Advancing this career line has not been without enormous challenges though.
My mum, a nurse, had died in 1998, at the brink of my university entrance exams. Dad, a high school teacher, with a monthly income of about thirty thousand naira, had to carry everyone; my elder brother, who just resumed in Abia State University, myself, and three younger ones in the high school. He insisted everyone had to go to school.
My elder brother and I, in full grasp of the situation, had to work our ways through the university. This was in part to save the younger ones from dropping out of school.
I had a very difficult time, missing classes and lab work in most of the evenings and weekends so I could take my sessions in a Lesson centre where I taught juniors physics and mathematics.
Though I had the capacity to have done a lot better, I could not finish in the target top three but managed top 10 of about 145 students in my class.
During a four-month sojourn in Union bank training school; the first time in my adult age to engage in a sound academic contest without financial worries, I held my class and staff spellbound, beating the second best student (MSc holder in banking) with a record grade point differential.
Working as a research and product development officer in Union Bank, with focus on my ultimate career goal, I saved at least 120,000 of the 184,000 Naira I earned monthly, towards an advanced degree in chemical engineering.
I applied and secured an unconditional acceptance in the department for October 2008 session, registered on-line and put together the over 2 million Naira I had saved from my salary and bonuses, with which I applied for a Visa for the university, explaining to the embassy that I hoped to pay up my fees in Instalments.
Well, the embassy denied me entrance on account of the huge financial implication despite mediation from some members of university staff including Dr Samson David of the International Office.
I have saved up more money since then, but that still is not enough and having lost one, I have the last opportunity to join the university.
I realize that there are cheaper schools but UCL seems to me the way to go.
I can say there's one thing I'm sure of - receiving this scholarship will be the defining moment in my education that will change the very essence of my whole life. Thank you.
Thanks Simone, this essay is for a partial scholarship. am expecting a quick one...
Here are a few fixes for you:
"I aim to studyobtain a Masters degree in advanced chemical engineering at University College London - Your most esteemed institution, as I trust that a Masters degreeas part of the process ofwill form a better knowledge of my course and facilitate launching a career into the oil and gas industry."
"extra-challenging, unqualified teachers" how can the teachers be both challenging and unqualified? I understand that there are ways in which this could be possible, but it sounds off as it stands.
"Though I had the capacity to have done a lot better, I could not finishedin the target top three but managed top 10 of about 145 students in my class." Why phrase a positive accomplishment as if it were a failure?
Thank you Sean
