If you were to look up the definition of scholarship, it would be something along the lines of "a payment to support education". However, winning this scholarship would mean more to me than just a payment - it
|means would mean opportunities and life changing experiences.
I like your idea, but what I would do here is make the hook even more powerful. This could be easily achieved by at first simply stating the definition of scholarship like this: "Schol·ar·ship [ˈskälərˌSHip], noun. A payment to support education."
On March 28 of 2009, I sat next to my grandfather's hospital bed knowing this was the last time I would ever see him. After a long silence, he began fighting to speak
through the tubes in his throat and his oxygen mask this sounds like the tubes were also in his oxygen mask; perhaps rather flip the word order around and say "...through his oxygen mask and the tubes in his throat." Though then that would sound like the oxygen mask is in his throat... oh my. In any case, something has to be done here. Using every ounce of energy he had, my grandfather talked about the kindness that the nurses in the hospital showed him and the comfort they brought to him. At that moment, I had an epiphany - I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to repetitive provide people with the same comfort and stability that was brought to my grandfather in his great time of vulnerability.
Although the cost of going to college is at its highest, I will not allow
itthis to overpower my love of science and compassion for people. However, with the cost of tuition, housing, books, along with other necessities such as food and clothing Idea a bit too distractingly repetitive to the first sentence of this paragraph, although I do strongly prefer this sentence to the latter. Think of how you could change this, perhaps by changing - or even completely discarding - the first sentence , I fear that I cannot do it specify alone. This scholarship will aid me in the achievement of my dream - to obtain a job in the field of Nurse Anesthesia. It will be my financial "nurse" - helping me in my time of need so that I, too, can one day help others. I like this.
Hope this helped!