Here is my new draft, 600 words exactly. I tried to get rid of as many forms of "to be" as I could. Hope that you can help me more to better it.
"Nothing is impossible" Perhaps everyone knows this famous statement, but not everyone believes that it is true. Looking back, I never thought that I could do the so-called "impossible", but such things unfailingly happen in a lifetime and I cannot flee from them forever. Once I decided to confront impossibility in my studying and surmounted it, and most important, I would never have discovered my passion without that decision.
Mathematics especially interests me - now I could confidently declare that. I used to rule myself out of all math periods. In the past, math, to me, was unnecessarily difficult and impractical. I disliked it, even for a long time I was so frightened of it that at times I thought that in the future I would not do any mathematics-related job. Everything changed since we had our math teacher altered. Her strictness compelled me to pay more attention to her lectures and at the very same time math started to attract me. "You have the aptitude for this subject. Don't waste it" the new teacher said the words that nobody had ever done to me. Thanks to that encouragement, I finally determined on learning math. My last year in secondary school allowed me to understand how wrong I was to hate math for such a long time.
As I went to high school, studying got harder, especially mathematics - a real challenge that I needed to overcome. Math became my number one priority among all subjects, and the more industriously I worked on it, the more I fell in love with it. "Practice makes perfect" my endeavor paid off since I got good results for my math tests. But I did not get enough. A used-to-be math-unrelated student like me found it difficult to integrate whereas a competitive environment like my class was not a place for a pimping turtle. That was why once I decided to come out of my shell by presenting my own answer to a math exercise in front of the whole class. Although I solved it wrong and felt so embarrassed that everyone would laugh at me, I did not give up. I tried to do that again and again whenever I found a different solution to the exercise given, and I succeeded eventually. Step by step, I did not feel shy to give out my ideas anymore. Throughout 3 years studying tirelessly, I caught my teachers' eyes and earned respect from my fellows. "I made it" finally I could be proud to have done something that no-one, even myself, had expected.
At age 16, I discovered my professional goals. My special interest in math and the influence from my brother soon turned into the decision to pursue finance field. Recently, I have paid more attention to learn about finance to gain more academic knowledge as well as to be more certain about choosing it as my career. A long time researching led to the desire to enroll in RMIT University, which gave me the motivation to study English assiduously to get 7.5 IELTS band score. This, along with logical and independent way of thinking earned from studying math could give me some advantages for my future studying process. I have confidence that attending RMIT University will help me pursue my dream.
It was a long way to realize my dream, and it will certainly be a long way to make it happen. The scholarship will give me an opportunity to further my education without having to worry about my family financial problem, and above all, a chance to take a step closer to success.
Please give me your straight comments. Thank you