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MBA Scholarship Short Personal Statement



edleonardoThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Edison Rivera     		Jul 10, 2009, 09:06pm   #1
Please, I need your advice about my three short personal statements for MBA Scholarsip. Maybe you can help with the first.

How do you believe you will bring diversity to the MBA Program? (Max 250 words)

SEE BELOW
EF_SimoneThreads: 3
Posts: 2,101
Author: Simone, EssayForum.com [Moderator]    		Jul 10, 2009, 10:15pm   #2
Your first paragraph is very interesting and perhaps belongs elsewhere in the personal statement, but does not address the question.

Is this an Australian MBA program? Are you from Peru? Then you will be bringing diversity to the program as a scholar from another continent and from a Spanish-speaking country.

You're right that your interest in the non-profit realm is rare for an MBA student and, thus, a way that you will bring diversity to the program.

Do you have other life experiences or identity characteristics that are different from the average MBA student in that program? This is what they want to know for this question. Other personal characteristics are fine to mention in other parts of the statement but do not address the question of how you will bring diversity to the program.
LiebeThreads: 4
Posts: 750
Author: Faisal, Essayforum.com Contributor [Contributor]    		Jul 11, 2009, 09:35am   #3
In April this year, after my wife had a high-cost surgery to save my baby daughter and herself from a risky illness of pregnancy pregnancy related illness, to do the MBA seemed impossible. My moral got low. However, my this life experience has prepared me taught me how to prepare, [/font]to affront and solve difficult problems. The encouragement comes to me doing the goal of MBA possible again. To do extreme saving and to get funds from aid events organized by friends and I have been necessary to continue with the plan.
^
As Simone said, the first part is interesting as it is of a personal experience. However, this does not bring diversity. You can however say, how the life experience has presented you with a set of skills that, are perhaps uncommon or unique, and how you would display these skills at the MBA program....(That would be contributing to diversity)
*Whatever I highlighted in bold, is what I thought was irrelevant and to some extent, did not make sense.


Having worked for an international mining company[font#FF0000], applying information technology will allow bringing can bring a different perspective and generatinge valuable discussions with students and faculty.
*I do not quite get the point here. I thought you were going to relate IT to a mining company, however you do not seem to do so. Unless you were implying that because of your experience at an intenrational mining company, studying IT will allow you to 'whatever you wrote.' In that case, not necessarily. Unless you can develop that point, I would not suggest even including it.



Competitive personnel, demanding internal customers and under-pressure work have been part of my work environment. Moreover, my empathy has allowed people trust in me to trust me in working excellently in a team. achieving an excellent teamwork.

*You may want to say how your work environment has developed you and presented you with a 'DIVERSE' set of skills that you could bring to the MBA Program.

My vision to create the first non-profit-organization for business analysis in Peru is oriented to help companies and professionals to generate value-added projects.
^Grammar is weak, which confuses the meaning of the sentence.

I started the creation on November 2008 and by now twenty four people are members of the organization. This experience and my idea to create a company focused on mining are part of my entrepreneurship spirit that I will share in the MBA.
^
I thought your company was for business analysis?

My family and I will be glad to share time with Australian people like playing soccer, inviting Peruvian food or helping community with Lions Club.
^Ok the sentence needs work. However, your football skills, your willingess to work with the Lions Club, and your ability to cook Peruvian cuisine are all activities that make you a 'diverse' person. With the Peruvian food, you are contributing to cultural diversity. You can contribute your set of ideas to the Lions Club, and if you can play like Claudio Pizarro :P, then you are also contributing your footballing skills.

Address some of Simone's points. She has made some good and relevant ones.
EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,676
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com [Moderator]    		Jul 12, 2009, 12:14pm   #4
Liebe:
You can however say, how the life experience has presented you with a set of skills that, are perhaps uncommon or unique, and how you would display these skills at the MBA program


This was my first thought, too. You could also talk about how the experience changed your values, or gave you a unique perspective on life or business, which would also allow you to tie the opening anecdote back to the topic.
edleonardoThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Edison Rivera     		Jul 13, 2009, 08:58pm   #5
Thank you very much for your advice! Excellent, I am modifying the essay following your indications.
edleonardoThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Edison Rivera     		Jul 14, 2009, 04:32am   #6
Hi everybody. This is my last version of the essay. I have changed the order and put life experience at the end. Please your advice on this. The essay needs to be shorter (250 words).

How do you believe you will bring diversity to the MBA Program? (Max 250 words)
If I had not studied Engineering, I would have been a soccer player. My skills, despite my age, continue present on my feet. So, I am ready to play a soccer game with my partners in Australia.

Other is my ability to cook Peruvian cuisine though my wife cooks it better. It is going to be a good chance to organize meetings with other students and their families where "Salsa" (Latin-American) or "Negroide" (Peruvian) music would be listened. I could tell, maybe in Spanish, about culture of Peru like Macchupicchu and other wonderful places to visit.

I am member of the Lion's Club International Association; therefore my family and I will continue doing social labor in favor of the Australian Community. For example we could be part of the global program "SightFirst" to fight against blindness.

About my entrepreneurship spirit, I will share my experience of creating the first non-profit organization focused on business analysis in Peru, designed to help Peruvian companies and professionals generate value-added projects.

My professional experience in information technology and mining sector could add a different perspective in classes. Moreover, I have worked in a competitive and under-pressured work environment that makes me a person oriented to get high goals and with excellent skills of teamwork.

Finally, my life experiences have prepared me to confront and solve difficult problems. I need to mention the labour complications and the expensive surgery that was required to save my daughter's life and potentially that of my wife. Stress and financial strain appeared. After my family was on safe, I decided to continue with the MBA plan. I am surer of doing the MBA. I want to transmit this self-confidence and life positive attitude to my future AGSM partners.
EF_SimoneThreads: 3
Posts: 2,101
Author: Simone, EssayForum.com [Moderator]    		Jul 14, 2009, 10:34am   #7
My skills, despite my age, remain strong.

I can cook Peruvian cuisine, though my wife cooks it better. I'd like to organize meetings with other students and their families where "Salsa" (Latin-American) or "Negroide" (Peruvian) music would be played.
edleonardoThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Edison Rivera     		Jul 14, 2009, 05:30pm   #8
Thanks Simone! mmm do you agree with the last paragraph about life experiences?
EF_SimoneThreads: 3
Posts: 2,101
Author: Simone, EssayForum.com [Moderator]    		Jul 14, 2009, 09:02pm   #9
I do agree with the content, but it is phrased awkwardly. The "I need to mention" threw me off.
edleonardoThreads: 1
Posts: 5
Author: Edison Rivera     		Jul 15, 2009, 06:25pm   #10
Thank you very much for the help. The last thing is if all the information shows diversity or maybe there is something that I have to delete.

Pls.
EF_SimoneThreads: 3
Posts: 2,101
Author: Simone, EssayForum.com [Moderator]    		Jul 15, 2009, 06:38pm   #11
The information does show diversity. You could delete unnecessary phrases such as "I have to say" and "I will share." Don't say what you're going to say; just say it.
EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,676
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com [Moderator]    		Jul 17, 2009, 07:40pm   #12
Also, you might want to try to tie together all of the items you list so that your essay reads like less of . . . well, a list. Is there something all of these things have taught you about the importance of diversity, for example?


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