Please help me edit this! Does it fit the prompt? Does it answer every thing? How strong is it? Right now it is only 570 words (or something like that, limit is 600) so I can add so more detail! Any grammatical errors? Thanks for helping me! :D
This program's mission is to educate individuals for leadership, service, and success in shaping our interdependent world. What do you plan to do during the voyage to ensure that you embody the principles of leadership, service, and success?
Challenges. At a very young age I dealt with persecution towards my race, adversity, and the separation of my family. But throughout all of these hardships, I rose out of my suffering, and became a more rounded individual intellectually, socially, and most importantly, personally, changing for the better.
When I was young, I craved the approval of my peers. However, being of full-blooded Vietnamese descent, lead to harassment countless times, so I ostracized myself from society; coping my misery with drugs such as meth and marijuana during my younger years. Growing up, I realized that being depressed did nothing but harm me; determined to make a change. When high school rolled around, I took a risk and jumped into uncharted water with both feet in; joining an advanced acting group called Image Factory. From that moment on, I became an advocate and a leader for promoting diversity and equality to all ethnicities throughout high school, while expressing my individuality openly. Through this experience, by interacting with people of different cultures, I am now more thoughtful, accepting individuals for who they are and their beliefs. During my voyage at Semester at Sea Summer 2012, I will embody the principle of diversity through my fellow colleagues, as well as heightening the importance of cultural equality. These are some of many attributes that I would contribute to the SAS voyage summer of 2012, as I pursue a career in wildlife and conservation biologist.
Upon my arrival at the SAS Explorer, as well as the future disembarkment of countries, I will challenge myself to experience and understand the knowledge, as well as cultures values that my future colleagues, professors, and community will bestow upon me. In addition, with a fresh new perspective of the world around me, I will be more successful academically and culturally. Likewise, attaining the skills to becoming a global ambassador to my institution and future establishments. Surely being connected with the surrounding community and the world will be a salubrious college experience for me as well as my future colleagues.
Social interacting and communal involvement is what I will contribute during my voyage. Extracurricular that I am involved in are producing cinematography in the film club, and participating in simplistic dancing and theatrical productions, which I plan to continue during my study abroad. Being involved in Semester at Sea International Student Association and Amnesty International, including other ethnic or environmental related organizations is what I hope to aspire. Aside from extracurricular, I will partake in community related activities. I have already participated in numerous fundraisers event and volunteer facilities in my hometown, such as trick-or-treat for tots, food drives, silent auction, the humane society, adoption center, and many more. There are countless things I will contribute to my upcoming voyage at SAS by being involved in the community and the establishment itself, leading to a successful career and life.
With the seamless combination of perseverance, cultural immersion, and communal contributions, my career becomes more attainable. I plan to enrich my voyage to the fullest extent and I hope that I will be able express my gratitude to Semester at Sea and to my corresponding alumni in the future. Promoting and encouraging diversity, integrating leadership, and partaking in various extracurricular activities, as well as communal involvement are some of many attributes that I will contribute to SAS. With the help of the Semester at Sea, I will be one step closer achieving my dream: becoming a wildlife and conservation biologist.
Hey!
So this essay is amazing! Great vocabulary and spectacular imagery! However, there are just a few punctuational/grammatical errors so you can take these into consideration if you would like:
-no comma is needed after the word "descent" in line 3 (so it would be "...Vietnamese descent lead to...")
-instead of the ; after "I ostracized myself from society", try rephrasing that to say "...myself from society. Coping with my misery, I turned to drugs such as...")
-try changing line 5 to say "...took a risk and jumped feet first into uncharted water by joining an advanced..."
-try rephrasing line 7 to say "By interacting with people of different cultures throughout this experience, I am now more thoughtful and accept individuals for..."
-line 8: "heightening" should be changed to "heighten"
-line 9: change "biologist" to "biology"
-line 10: rephrase the sentence to say "...I will challenge myself to experience and understand the knowledge and cultural values..."
-"Likewise, attaining the skills to becoming a global ambassador to my institution and future establishments." is an incomplete sentence; it is just a phrase.
-Try changing the second sentence of the fourth paragraph to: "I am involved in extracurricular activities such as producing cinematography in the film club and participating in simplistic dancing and theatrical productions, all of which I plan to continue during my study abroad."
-Paragraph 4 Line 4- change "fundraisers" to "fundraising"
Your essay and accomplishments are impressive, I wish you luck!
