What type of scholarship are you applying for? Some are founded by people who have very specific purposes in mind. So, some scholarships are set up to fund people who are very active in the community, or who have achieved very well academically, or who have dire financial need, or who are facing specific social barriers to higher education, and so on. So, if at all possible, find out what the point of the specific scholarship you are applying for is, and tailor your application to that. At the moment, you have a lot of good points, but you jump about from your financial needs, to your community work, to your academic goals, back to your community work, then some more on other barriers you have faced. If you are writing a general letter, it's okay to include all of that, but you should still probably decide which point is most important, and make all of the others tie in to that somehow. I'd probably go with "Community service," in that case, as you touch on it twice anyway, and your goal of getting an MBA in non-profit management ties into that fairly naturally. You might then move your discussion of the barriers your parents faced to the beginning, to talk about how that inspired you to become involved in community involvement.
That would give you a structure something like this:
A) family barriers (inspired interest in community service)
B) community service I have already done
C) desire to get an MBA (to better my ability to serve the community through non-profit work)
You'd be able to keep most of what you have now -- you'd just be moving things around a bit and polishing your transitions.
Sean, EssayForum.com
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