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Influential Person , Neila



TimMillThreads: 10
Posts: 106
Author: Timothy Miller
   
May 4, 2010, 10:24am   #1
Hello everyone! The deadline for this is very soon (a few hours, most), so if you stumble across this please take a read. I know that this is not my best writing- I lack a thesis, for one, and my main points are less than clear. Please take a read through, though, and critique this. Also, do you think I need a thesis? Is it really necessary in an essay like this? Where should I neaten it up? I would like to keep the light mood that is has. Oh, and if you post a quality critique, feel free to post a link to one of your threads along with it- I'll be happy to correct.

Okay, here goes!

DESCRIBE AN EVENT OR PERSON THAT HAS SHAPED YOUR LIFE OR INFLUENCED YOU TO BE THE PERSON YOU ARE

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Mark Twain


Fortunately for me, the frilly dresses my sister coerced me into wearing in my early childhood haven't affected my rugged manliness too much. My sister herself, though, has very much shaped the person I am. No, I don't mean that she's a rugged manly sister- my point is that when I examine who I am today, what I do, and where I want to go with my life, I see traces of Nelia everywhere.

The funny thing is, we don't have much in common today. I'm studying in Germany, enjoy playing my trombone and playing sports with friends, and am preparing for an internship with a naval technologies firm. Nelia is studying theatre in California, is an avid singer, and works in a store that produces costumes. I like numbers, facts, and proofs; Nelia likes emotions, ideas, and descriptions. I plan on becoming an engineer; Nelia plans on becoming an actress. Despite our differences, though, I can attribute most of my interests in some way to Nelia's influence.

Actually, in the beginning it wasn't so much "influencing" as it was "oppressively dominating". Or, to be more accurate, a turbulent mixture of "oppressive domination" and "younger sibling adulation". In any case, I usually liked what liked what Nelia liked (and when I didn't, she made me like it), did what she did, and listened to what she told me to do. Her favorite color was green, therefore, my favorite color was green. She told me to collect snails, therefore, I collected snails. She insisted I played dress-up in frilly dresses, and I played dress-up. In many ways, Nelia was my quality tester- if she liked something, I knew it had to be good. She was, after all, my big sister.

And no matter how old I got, Nelia was somehow always one year older, one year smarter, and one year ahead. And so I followed her: into band, into chorus, into theatre- wherever she went, I went too. Eventually, Nelia's values began to rub off on me- her tenacious work ethic, her dedication, her friendliness: Nelia was always eager to put in the extra hour of rehearsal, to buckle down and learn her lines, and to help out a friend.

Ironically, though, the most important thing I learned from Nelia was independence. In eighth grade, Nelia moved up to the high school, leaving me alone at the middle school. Suddenly, I was quite alone- there wasn't a big sis to hang on to. Nonetheless, I continued to do exactly what I knew best- doing what Nelia would have done. That meant adopting a fierce independence- after all, Nelia had always been self-capable, independent, and a leader.

Throughout eighth grade and into high school I carved out my own path. While I started with the foundations that I had had picked up from Nelia, I slowly began to turn in other directions. I added band to chorus, then dropped chorus for band exclusively, and then added jazz to the bunch. I began to interest myself in technical theatre, and eventually switched over from actor to stage manager to set designer. I picked up sports, including wrestling and track and field. Regardless of what I was doing, though, I always gave it my all- the work ethic and dedication that Nelia unwittingly installed in me are things I'll never lose.

Last year, Nelia and I still ran in similar circles. We had each taken on leadership roles of our own, though, and had our own areas of expertise. Nelia was the vice-president of the chorus, I was the section leader in band. She played on the varsity volleyball team and made it to the quarter-finals, I pole-vaulted at the state meet. She received award after award for acting, I led my stage crew to recognition for technical excellence. We still aren't quite on the same track, though: Nelia is still one step ahead and she always will be. Today, I attribute the musicality, dedication, and leadership that have led me to my own successes to her, and I look forward to what she'll teach me tomorrow.



alina967Threads: 11
Posts: 43
Author: Archana Sevak
   
May 4, 2010, 11:04am   #2
Thesis is always most important part of the essay. Once I missed the thesis and I got lower grades. So please add thesis to your essay. Proffesors always grade according to your thesis. Actually, I think the thesis will make it intersting to readers.
Overall, it is a nice essay. I didn't see any grammer mistakes.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
May 6, 2010, 07:12pm   #3
Dude, nothing gets the reader's attention like some musing about whether one's masculinity was undermined by the experience of frilly dresses. My respect to you, hell of a writer. That is the writing, right there...

TimMill:
Nelia was my quality tester- if she liked something, I knew it had to be good. She was, after all, my big sister.

This part is really cool. It is the kind of thing readers enjoy.

These are not technically correct:
She played on the varsity volleyball team and made it to the quarter-finals; I pole-vaulted at the state meet. She received award after award for acting; I led my stage crew to recognition for technical excellence. --- you know what I mean.. just... in case you get a grammar stikler reading this.. use semi-colons.


TimMillThreads: 10
Posts: 106
Author: Timothy Miller
   
May 7, 2010, 02:17pm   #4
Thanks Kevin!

It was actually just a tad too late to make the corrections, but I appreciate it anyway. I just need to hope I don't get a grammar stickler like you!

A real quick question, just because I'm curious- I wrote "rugged manly sister". Can I have two adjectives in a row, or do I need to make rugged an adverb, and write "ruggedly manly sister"? Or do I need a comma?

Thinking about this with another example, I know I can say, "It was a bright, sunny day". Maybe in my essay I should be saying, "No, I don't mean that she's a rugged, manly sister"... what's your expert opinion on this?


ShukurThreads: 2
Posts: 4
Author: Shukur mukhtarov
   
May 7, 2010, 03:07pm   #5
you do not use connection words


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
May 8, 2010, 03:59pm   #6
hahaha i am not a grammar stickler! You can't be a writer and also a stickler for grammar, not if you are serious about writing, grammar is necessary evil.

TimMill:
Can I have two adjectives in a row, or do I need to make rugged an adverb, and write "ruggedly manly sister"? Or do I need a comma?


Strnk and White write that you should have a comma after every adjective when there are more than one... even if there are only 2. Hence, your "bright, sunny day" example.

But no, there's no reason to make one adjective into an adverb to modify the other adjective. You can use as many adjectives as you want to add some interest to that boring, stagnant, simplistic, complacent, socially inept, neurotic noun.




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