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'my goal of becoming a doctor' - short and long-term goals. Are some of them related?



Nana12Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Anissa Lopez
   
Jan 7, 2012, 12:47pm   #1
My grandmother lies sprawled on the living room floor, all I can see is blood dripping down the side of her forehead. She whimpers in pain and my father gently picks her up and rushes her frail, limp body to the car. I stand paralyzed in shock, looking at the same spot where she lay, helpless, crying for help.
My grandmother broke her hip, that dreadful day, nearly seven years ago. She also suffered from Alzheimer's disease. A few weeks after her accident, she completely forgot how she injured herself. My father could not afford a full-time nurse to watch after her; as a result, I now gained the responsibility of her everyday care. Taking care of my grandmother was extremely difficult; I had to bathe her, change her disposable absorbent underpants, feed her, and put her to sleep. She would often forget who I was, consequently, resulting in resistance to comply with me. She would kick, bite, punch and scratch me every time I tried to feed or bathe her. It caused me a great deal of pain to see her suffering from an incurable disease. However, taking care of my grandmother helped me realize my passion for helping people, ever since then I knew that I wanted to become a doctor.
There are so many diverse and interesting aspects of the medical field. The world is constantly changing and with the development of new technology to treat many more health complications, the need for doctors is growing. Doctors are needed by every society regardless of wealth or diversity. Their patients depend and trust them to deliver accurate diagnosis and treatments. There is no feeling more gratifying than knowing that you have impacted an individual's life in a positive manner.
In addition, my love for science contributes to my goal of becoming a doctor. Biology has taught us that every single organism alive is interconnected through complex webs of DNA; chemistry shows us that many different components make up every day substances, and physics gives us insight into the factors concerning everyday motion. Science is a world of endless possibilities and never-ending discoveries. It helps us understand and ironically question our very existence.
My short-term goals, such as, maintaining impeccable grades and doing the things necessary in school to grant my admission into a great university are just components of achieving my dream of becoming a doctor. However, I am aiming to make differences in the people of my life today. I am involved in multiple community-based organizations that raise money for local elementary school children to have the necessary school supplies. In addition, I try to make differences in my neighborhood and school. Every weekend, my younger three brothers, their friends, and I, carry large, black, plastic bags, exploring our streets for trash. Furthermore, I try to influence school peers by encouraging them not to litter and many have changed their behavior as a result of my nagging.
My passion for helping others and love for science equally contribute to my dream of becoming a doctor. I am aware that becoming a doctor involves dedication to my field of interest and many years of school. However, my life experiences have equipped me with the mental strength and perseverance to conquer each and every obstacle standing in my way.



asburycelineThreads: 5
Posts: 22
   
Jan 7, 2012, 01:23pm   #2
this is such a good essay! you explained why you wanted to become a doctor, and what it means to you, but i might delete the last few sentences and just keep the idea with how your short term goal is to have good grades in order to reach your long term goal. but other than that it's really good :)

good luck!


Nana12Threads: 3
Posts: 15
Author: Anissa Lopez
   
Jan 7, 2012, 02:15pm   #3
Thank you so much! Do you do grammatical editing? If you do I would really appreciate it (:. This is the first time I've used this forum. I'm so happy someone responded!


silentspringThreads: 15
Posts: 100
Author: YingBin Mei
  [Suspended]  
Jan 7, 2012, 03:11pm   #4
This is essay is so good. The structure is similar one of mine.


rifatmursalinThreads: 13
Posts: 72
Author: Labli
   
Jan 7, 2012, 03:55pm   #5
You helped me, so I'm just returning the favor!
Also, you mentioned some grammatical errors in mine. I'd appreciate it if you could highlight some. It's alright if you don't have time though.
Hope this helps....................


My grandmother lies sprawled on the living room floor, (semicolon here, not a comma) all I can see is blood dripping down the side of her forehead. She whimpers in pain and my father gently picks her up and rushes her frail, limp body to the car. I stand paralyzed in shock, looking at the same spot where she lay, (wouldn't it be the past tense?) helpless, crying for help. (Amazing intro. So descriptive and poignant.)
My grandmother broke her hip,(erase the comma) that dreadful day, nearly seven years ago. She also suffered from Alzheimer's disease. A few weeks after her accident, she completely forgot how she injured herself. My father could not afford a full-time nurse to watch after her; as a result, I now (I don't think it should be now. It should probably be then.) gained the responsibility of her everyday care. Taking care of my grandmother was extremely difficult; I had to bathe her, change her disposable absorbent underpants, feed her, and put her to sleep. She would often forget who I was, consequently, resulting in resistance to comply with me. She would kick, bite, punch and scratch me every time I tried to feed or bathe her. It caused me a great deal of pain to see her suffering from an incurable disease. However, taking care of my grandmother helped me realize my passion for helping people, (use a semicolon here or start a new sentence) ever since then I knew that I wanted to become a doctor.
There are so many diverse and interesting aspects of the medical field. The world is constantly changing (comma here) and with the development of new technology to treat many more health complications, the need for doctors is growing. Doctors are needed by every society regardless of wealth or diversity. Their patients depend and trust them to deliver accurate diagnosis and treatments. There is no feeling more gratifying than knowing that you have impacted an individual's life in a positive manner. (this is not too passionate. Maybe say "save someone's life" instead of "impacting someone's life". Impacting can mean so many different things.)
In addition, my love for science contributes to my goal of becoming a doctor. Biology has taught us that every single organism alive is interconnected through complex webs of DNA; chemistry shows us that many different components make up every day substances, and physics gives us insight into the factors concerning everyday motion. Science is a world of endless possibilities and never-ending discoveries. It helps us understand and ironically question our very existence. (you start of saying me and my. Then, you change it to us. I'd say change all the us to me. So, you focus on yourself and make it personal.)
My short-term goals, such as, maintaining impeccable grades and doing the things necessary in school to grant my admission into a great university are just components of achieving my dream of becoming a doctor. However, I am aiming to make differences in the people of my life today. (This is confusing. "in the people of my life". What does that mean? You might be implying that you're only interested in helping your friends and family and not an unknown patient. I'd rephrase.) I am involved in multiple community-based organizations that raise money for local elementary school children to have the necessary school supplies. In addition, I try to make differences in my neighborhood and school. Every weekend, my younger three brothers, their friends, and I, carry large, black, plastic bags, exploring our streets for trash. Furthermore, I try to influence school peers by encouraging them not to litter and many have changed their behavior as a result of my nagging. (replace nagging with requests or urges. Nagging puts you on the negative spotlight.)
My passion for helping others and love for science equally contribute to my dream of becoming a doctor. I am aware that becoming a doctor involves dedication to my field of interest and many years of school. However, my life experiences have equipped me with the mental strength and perseverance to conquer each and every obstacle standing in my way.


Great essay! It's very descriptive and memorable. I learned a lot about you through your essay, and that's what the readers want to see. I made some minor suggestions. You can use them as you'd like. Thanks. Hope it helped :-)




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