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Essay A:What Are The Most Important Qualities A Leader Must Have In Today's Society



tiger13twinThreads: 7
Posts: 31
Author: Britney Prince
   
Oct 15, 2010, 08:02pm   #1
Hey guys, this is an essay for a scholarship I'm trying to apply for. Please help me revise and make this sound better because I really want to win this scholarship. So If you have an advice, comments, or criticism pleas e let me know. Thanks in advance!

Prompt: What Are The Most Important Qualities A Leader Must Have In Today's Society? And Why?

The most important qualities a leader must have in today's society are: the drive to achieve, a positive attitude, and respect to others.
A leader must have the drive to succeed and be successful in office. He/she can not sit and just hope for something to happen. They have to make it happen. They can make that happen by having the ability to come up with a plan to improve the flaws they have in the government. A leader must also have the determination to achieve and put together a better government. A leader can not be a slacker. He/she must be a person who is "on top of their game."
A positive attitude is another ....

SEE BELOW



TaniadThreads: 5
Posts: 35
Author: Mania Kan
   
Oct 16, 2010, 07:47am   #2
You are repeating ''leader" so often that your essay don't sound good.
Just read it aloud and you'll understand what I mean.

A positive attitude is another essential quality a leader must have in order to do well in office. A leader must see things in a positive light or else everything will not go as planned. For example, if a huge crisis was going on and a leader had a mind of a pessimist, he would scare "his people" into thinking the situation is way worse than what it really is. On the other hand, and optimist would look on the "bright" side and think positive and think of a way to overcome the crisis and assure "his people" that everything is OK. Which is something all leaders should do.
Respect is a quality that all leaders should have. When a leader is respectful, his people will respect him in return. The people want someone who looks out for their best interest as well as respect them. If a leader doesn't show respect or show that they care, no one will accept him/her as their leader.
A leader is a role model. One who sets positive examples for others. A leader who doesn't have the motivation, respect, and the right mind-set will not and can not do well in office. it's the ones who see the world as an optimist who will make great leaders.

I also consider that you should write better introduction: one sentences doesn't seem enoough for me.
I'm not a native speaker, so my suggestions might be wrong. You can take it or leave it. It's up to you.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Oct 18, 2010, 05:23pm   #3
respect for to others.
I think you should add some sentences to make that intro a full paragraph. Right now, instead of an intro paragraph you just have the thesis statement all alone.


A leader is a role model, one who sets positive examples for others. ---- you didn't mention being a role model in that thesis statement you gave. If you list three items in the thesis statement, have three body paragraphs, and let each body paragraph start with a sentence about one of the three items listed in the thesis statement.

So, do this:
... a leader must have in today's society are: the drive to achieve, a positive attitude, and respect for others, and the ability to be a good role model.


tiger13twinThreads: 7
Posts: 31
Author: Britney Prince
   
Oct 19, 2010, 09:55pm   #4
Hey guys, thank you for your advice. I have decided to change my essay a little. Please let me know if this one sounds better. Do not hesitate to tell me how you feel about the essay. All criticism is welcomed!

As a leader, one must be able to get people to follow him. A leader also know as the president must have certain character traits. But the most important qualities a leader must have in today's society are: a vision, dedication, and integrity.
A leader must have a vision to where he can see his success. Which means he has have the drive to succeed and fulfill his vision. He can not sit and just hope for something to happen. He has to make it happen. This can only be possible if he use his creative mind to come up with a plan to improve the flaws that are in the government/organization. A leader must also have the support of the people. In order to do that, the leader must explain his vision to the people so he can get them to accede with him In other words, the leader must be a person who is "on top of their game."
Dedication is a quality that all leaders must have. When a leader is dedicated, he is committed. He does whatever it takes to finish his task no matter how much sleep he has to lose over it. With such commitment his people will respect him because it shows he cares for them. This kind of work ethics will inspire others to work hard and have the same dedication. Which is good because a leader is supposed to set positive examples for others.
Integrity is another essential quality a leader must have in order to do well in office. His actions must be the same as his feelings inside. This is a kind of person who can be trusted because he never veers from inner values, even when it might be expeditious to do so. And a leader must display integrity in order for his people to trust him because they can trust that his honest, reliable and looking out for their best interest.
A leader is a role model. One who sets positive examples for others. One who doesn't have a vision, dedication, or integrity as a quality wi


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Oct 24, 2010, 09:58am   #5
If you are going to point this out, it should be because you are going to make a point about the characteristics of a leader that can make people follow her. But if you don't elaborate, then it just seems like you began the essay with a statement of the obvious. Why state that a leader needs to be able to get people to follow? -----> As a leader, one must be able to get people to follow him. -----

A leader also know as the holding the office of president must have certain character traits. But the most ...

The structure of the essay is great because of that 3 part thesis that corresponds to the 3 body paragraphs.

But the whole essay in general is just so obvious and simple! I see you give a discussion of 3 qualities, and then you have a really short conclusion, so instead of being a real essay it is just a group of 3 paragraphs, each about a different concept.

To make it into a real essay, look at the 3 body paragraphs and ask yourself, "What are the implications of all this?" Then conclude with a great observation that will become the theme for the essay.

:-)




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