Okay, can you offer some constructive criticism as to how to prevent it from degenerating into jargon? Which parts do you feel I should change, and how?
Well, you say that your "primary interests are related to the applications of power electronics in power systems." Why does power electronics interest you more than, say, basketball does? You might
discuss one or two specific applications and why you find them worthy of your time and study.
If you read your first paragraph aloud, wait 30 seconds, and then read the second one, you'll see just how much less personal the second one is.
I tried to break it into three sections, the first paragraph being my personal interests, the second my engineering interests and the final one my career goals.
This structure is fine but as I said the essay has to be about YOU.
With regard to your last paragraph, how will you (NOT engineers in general) change the world through your work? How will you change the lives of real people?