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'I can gain a career that I love' - Why I deserve this scholarship


banker281 1 / -  
Apr 13, 2012   #1
Could someone give me feedback on my essay, Why do you deserve this scholarship? It is based on dreams, opportunity, community service, academics, extra-curricular activites and employment. No word limit.

The word "well rounded" might come to mind when people first meet me. I excel academically, I have an abundance of community service hours, and highly involved in sports. Determination, perseverance, conscientiousness, and hard work are my strengths and have served me well, but I am most proud of my heart for missions.

I always thought poverty and greed happened elsewhere, to people that more or less deserved it, but the more I have worked in the community; I have begun to see the world around me. I have a passion for helping people and making the community a better place. I have had the opportunity to volunteer locally as well as around the United States. This summer, I will embark on an international mission trip to Guatemala, where I will have the opportunity to help build homes for the Guatemalan people.

When I set goals for myself, I do everything I can to achieve them and if I happen to fall short of my goal then I pride myself in knowing that I did my best. Throughout high school I have maintained a 3.75 grade point average while concurrently participating in extracurricular activities, volunteering and working a part time job.

I am very passionate about becoming a pilot and committed to fulfilling my goals. I will be able to work on my college degree while I earn my pilot certification through flight lessons and as my hours increase, I will have the opportunity of becoming a flight instructor to increase my flight hours. The career path I have chosen takes a lot of time and money, and will be tough for me to obtain this goal without the help of scholarships. I realize my family's economic situation; not rich or poor just an average family trying to pay all their bills. I know it will be a big burden for my parents if I continue my education, but I believe this situation will encourage me to work even harder than others.

Therefore, I deserve this because I contain all the qualities a scholarship leader should possess. With this scholarship, I can gain a career that I love and lead a successful happy life but still have a real effect on many other people's lives.
geebs5 4 / 6 1  
Apr 16, 2012   #2
Overall, your essay is very touching and personable. I really seemed to feel for you and that is always a good factor in any essay. I don't see any grammatical errors that I could help you with. So great work! And i wish you the best.
giorgio186 9 / 54  
Apr 17, 2012   #3
I like it. No false modesty. You know your qualities; you have described them well; your argumentation seems to be reasonable and clear. I believe you deserve the scholarship.


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