Academic/career short & long term goals and how hispanic heritage influence them essay

Its been a while since I've written one of these so I would really appreciate it if anyone could give me some feed back. Please feel free to point out grammatical errors or advice. Thanks in advance!

It was the twenty-third day of May, 2012 a Wednesday to be precise that my life took a major twist. Not only had I completed my high school journey, but I also found myself having to say good bye to my aspiration of going to college. Unlike other students, I was not fortunate to go to college right out of high school. Despite my good grades and my strict dedication to education, I was left with no other option than to find employment and help support my family that was barely making it through each paycheck. Those financial difficulties all started at the beginning of my junior year. Unfortunately, my father, who in any way is not a criminal, was jailed for driving unlicensed on his way home from work. The fact that he looked Hispanic to the officer was enough for him to be pulled over in the streets of Georgia at that time. The only positive outcome was that he was not taken into the deportation process like many other unfortunate paisanos. Instead, he was sentenced two years of probation. This resulted in his job termination and put my mother in a pinch as she had to take the sole role of providing for the family. To make things worse, since my father could no longer be the source of transportation for the family, she was forced daily to walk her fifteen mile commute to work. It was too painful to see my mother struggle with this huge responsibility that it made me decide to delay my studies after high school and help her with the burden of supporting for a family of five. Both of them were not content with my decision as they always prioritized my education, but they knew the magnitude of the situation was not going to lessen with only one contributor. Luckily for me, The DACA program was born right after I graduated, and it made it possible for an undocumented student like me to land a job.

Since then, I've been working full time; I have held two jobs at the same time, and I have been able to lessen the pressure off my mother. However, I have never lost hope of one day continuing my education. Now that I have experienced a slice of the "real world," I feel I am more mature, focused, and confident on what I want to achieve in life. Going back to my academics, I have always been a nerdy kid. Since I was in elementary school, computers have always intrigued me. All the details from their components, their functions, their effectiveness and limitations have interested me to the point where I would spend hours learning the basics of programming at the age of ten. For this reason, I have always strived to earn good grades and maintain a GPA above 3.5 and increase my chances of getting into some good engineering schools. Thus, making my parents proud by going back to school and earning a bachelor's degree in computer science and still be able to repay them for their sacrifices embodies my long term goal. To work and study hard, to use every second of my time responsibly, to not take anything for granted, and to give one hundred percent of effort and dedication to my education represent my short term goals.

In conclusion, since I come from a very hardworking and humble cultural background, I believe I am a capable of achieving my goal. My parents and other people of our Hispanic heritage have achieved similar or greater feats, so why can't I?

Not only had I had completed my high school journey, but ..
Despite my good grades and my strictthorough dedication to education,
I was left with no other option thanbut to find employment and help support my family...


Since my father could no longer be the source of transportation for the family, things started to become worst like she was forced daily to walk her fifteen mile commute to work.

I have been able to lessen the pressure off my mother.
a slice of the "real world," I feel I am more matured, focused
Since I was in elementary school, computers have been always intrigued me.
Thus, making my parents proud by going back to school and earning a bachelor's degree in computer science and still be able to repay them for their sacrifices embodiesembody my long term goal.

Apart from what I edited above, you still need to develop a more clearer introduction.

niesaysi, Thanks for the feedback. Like I said before, its been a while since I've written one of these. If you could, please guide me on how to make the intro more clearer or assertive. Also what exactly did you think of the essay quality-wise. Thanks again.

To write a good introduction, you should always think of the topic sentence. Topic sentence is the gist of the main of idea of a paragraph. It is usually placed in the first sentence of the paragraph. What is the topic all about? Introduce it in one sentence but make sure it will hook the reader's attention/interest. Then, follow it with a general statement relevant to the topic. Generalization should be supported with several supporting details like by giving examples and relating your own experiences. Introduction is usually not TOO LONG. As long as you have already introduced the topic INTERESTINGLY, it is already enough.


To work and study hard, to use every second of my time responsibly, to not take anything for granted, and to give one hundred percent of effort and dedication to my education represent my short term goals. -- Place this sentence on the first part of your body. Emphasis is important.Since you're discussing about short term goals, you have to not place this one on the last part.


--The last sentence sounds overconfident. Change the tone. Better rephrase it through statement. If you'll do that, it will be a good conclusion. Actually, I like the way how you concluded your essay :)

Yeah, by the time I realized this I was not far from reaching the 600 word limit.


Definitely not what I had intended, thanks for pointing it out ;)

Im new here but I can tell you are a very intellectual and helpful contributor, thanks a bunch niesaysi!