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unique learning experience/ independence; What this scholarship would give me?


answers: 3
Mar 24, 2008, 11:09pm   #
Hello,
Can you give me some feedback?
Please, and thank you. =]



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Receiving a scholarship would give me an opportunity to attend FFA. I would like to attend FFA because it seems like a really great school and it has always been one my dreams to be able to go to a boarding school. Being able to attend a boarding school would give me a unique learning experience, it would let me gain independence, and I would be striving to adapt in a foreign area. The scholarship would help pay off some of the tuition fees and it would make it more affordable for my parents to let me go to FFA. Receiving a scholarship would help me achieve one dreams, help my parents with tuition fees, but it give me a boost of motivation to do my best in my studies. And also gives me a feeling of accomplishing something major.

Greetings!

Here are some editing tips for you:

Receiving a scholarship would give me an opportunity to attend FFA. I would like to attend FFA because it seems like a really great school and it has always been one my dreams to be able to go to a boarding school. Being able to attend a boarding school would give me a unique learning experience, would let me gain independence, and I would be striving to adapt in a foreign area. The scholarship would help pay off some of the tuition fees and it would make it more affordable for my parents to let me go to FFA. Receiving a scholarship would help me achieve one of my dreams, help my parents with tuition fees, but it also gives me a boost of motivation to do my best in my studies, and also gives me a feeling of accomplishing something major.

Those are my grammatical suggestions. I would also suggest that you try to make the essay a bit more specific to that school. Saying it "seems like a really great school" makes it sound like you don't really care which school you go to as long as it's a boarding school. And it's a bit obvious that getting a scholarship will help with tuition. Try to talk more about your goals for the future.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
Mar 25, 2008, 03:28am   #
Hi!
I took some parts out and rewrote it.
Thanks so much for helping me.


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Receiving a scholarship would give me an opportunity to attend FFA. I'm interested in this school I feel FFA will provide the best environment in which my growth can take place and because of the academic programs offered here which will greatly prepare in realizing my current career goal of family medicine. Being able to study ate FFA will provide me better college opportunities and excellently in writing, vocabulary, speaking skill and critical thinking skills that will be useful when I get to college and it has always been one my dreams to be able to go to a boarding school. Being able to attend a boarding school would give me a unique learning experience, it would let me gain independence, and I would be striving to adapt in a foreign area. The scholarship would help pay off some of the tuition fees and it would make it more affordable for my parents to let me go to FFA. Receiving a scholarship would help me achieve one dreams, help my parents with tuition fees, but it give me a boost of motivation to do my best in my studies. And also gives me a feeling of accomplishing something major.
Greetings!

I think you've improved it! Here are some more editing tips:

Receiving a scholarship would give me an opportunity to attend FFA. I'm interested in this school because I feel FFA will provide the best environment for academic growth. I feel the academic programs offered here will greatly prepare me for realizing my current career goal of family medicine. Being able to study at FFA will provide me better college opportunities and excellence in writing, vocabulary, speaking skills and critical thinking skills that will be useful when I get to college. Additionally, it has always been one of my dreams to be able to go to a boarding school. Being able to attend a boarding school would give me a unique learning experience. It would let me gain independence, and I would be striving to adapt in a foreign area. The scholarship would help pay off some of the tuition fees and it would make it more affordable for my parents to let me go to FFA. Receiving a scholarship would help me achieve my dreams, help my parents with tuition fees, and give me a boost of motivation to do my best in my studies. I enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something major, and I believe that attending FFA on scholarship would be exactly that: a major accomplishment.

Good luck in your future studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com



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