Hello please is an essay am writing for a scholarship. Please is this a good essay? If not help me correct it or show me example:
ESSAY: Study and Career Objectives
Personal statement that outlines your study and career objectives including what you would like to study and how you will give back to your community after completing your degree at ASU
(minimum of 250 words, maximum of 750 words)
Answer:
I've always been deeply interested in Computing and Information Technology from a very early age. I can always remember the feeling of wanting to know just how computers worked, why they worked and what else they could do. Information Technology has become all pervasive within people's lives, yet many of us take its presence for granted. Through its ever increasing use it has become, in many instances, a force for good, whilst at the same time there has always remained the possibility that it could be harnessed as a force of evil. In addition, its use has become increasingly politicised, for example, the current plight of Julian Assange, the creator of Wiki-leaks, Edward Snowden the NSA whistle blower to mention but a few. Some believe, an attack upon freedom of speech, whilst others see it as necessary to maintain the national security of sovereign states. It is for these reasons that IT is, for me, the best choice of career as it gives me the motivation to create and provide a service that could make a change on a global scale and I believe that by studying at Arizona State University I shall have the opportunity to do this. I believe that I have not side tracked myself from wanting to do IT (Information Technology) at university. I chose this subject in order for me to think of ways of connecting Nigerian people to the future. For example IT and Media is becoming quite popular as we have things like BT Vision or HTC's Media Link and it is something I have considered doing in the past but my strong points are in Information and Network Security, Cyber-Defense and Database. Through IT research, I saw companies more often than not; require IT activities going on in the business and whether its databases for holding records or networking or e-commerce, such things I would learn at university on the course. My ultimate aim in life is to be able to make a positive impact upon Nigeria, my society and the world at large, to improve peoples' lives by offering them greater opportunities. I believe that studying in ASU will be another step towards achieving that goal. I consider myself to be a hard working outgoing individual. I am looking forward to challenge of university life, both socially and mentally. I strongly believe that my years at university will be enjoyable and those that I will remember for the rest of my life. Most of all I am hoping that my chosen subject will give me a strong foundation to take upon a successful career inside the IT and Business world. I will give back to my community after my after completing my degree at ASU by establishing ICT training and skills acquisition institute in my community to train my community members especially persons with disabilities and the albinos in the use and design of computer applications, such as e-mail, word-processing and design applications, builds marketable skills, With this, lives of people in my community can be improved, allowing them to have a better interaction in society by widening their scope of activities, give them a powerful tool in their battle to gain employment, Increase their skills, confidence, and self-esteem, Integrate disabled people socially and economically into their communities and Reduce physical or functional barriers and enlarge scope of activities available to disabled persons. I will also setup an information center for Farmers to be able to take hold of updated information like prices, production techniques, services, storage, processing and the like. Evidently, updated information with the change and developments in agriculture can be addressed by the effective use of ICT (the Internet, mobile phone, and other digital technologies). My community with be alleviated through the application of information and communication technology.
Chibuzo, when you mention such high profile names in your essay, you should not waste it by not following up with more information about yourself in relation to those names later on in the essay. You already stated a very good reason for wanting to study IT. You want to disprove the negative publicity associated with it by the big name wanted criminals in the world of IT today. Explain how your objectives in studying this major relate to that and make sure that you highlight the objectives of your study as being able to prove that IT is not political. Explain how it has a social consciousness that goes unnoticed these days because of the fear of privacy violations. Outline how you hope to be able to alter that mindset in the future. Your essay just spends too much time disconnecting in paragraph form from one another. You need to learn to use transition sentences and you have to develop a method of writing that will help you create that seamless connection in your essays. In this current form, it feels like I am reading a number of separate essays on a single page.
Thank you, Thank you very much. But can you please and please help fix this that you said " Explain how your objectives in studying this major relate to that and make sure that you highlight the objectives of your study as being able to prove that IT is not political. Explain how it has a social consciousness that goes unnoticed these days because of the fear of privacy violations. Outline how you hope to be able to alter that mindset in the future. Your essay just spends too much time disconnecting in paragraph form from one another. You need to learn to use transition sentences and you have to develop a method of writing that will help you create that seamless connection in your essays. In this current form, it feels like I am reading a number of separate essays on a single page." Thanks so much.
