SOP for Applying International Merits Scholarship at University of XXXX - Feedback

I am applying International Merits Scholarship at University of XXXX and I need somebody to revise my SOP.
The criteria for the SOP are :
-Should be no more than 400 words.
-How you meet the criteria
-What you expect to gain from the opportunity
-Reasons for taking the course
-Financial need and intentions upon returning to your country
-How you intend to use your experience and knowledge in the future
-What your long-term goals/plans are

Here is my SOP :

It back when I was in high school in which my passion in biology driven me to pursue medicine. Due to the high cost of tuition fees and lack of financial capability, resulted I was unable to enrol as medical student. As my aspiration, I wish that someday I have chance to be able to study in medical area.

Furthermore I am very thirsty of knowledge and I love reading books. I realized that end up in Bachelor Degree is not enough to enrich my knowledge. I need to get the higher degree of education which is Master Degree. Thus it was put my decision to pursue Msc. Medical Molecular Biology.

As born in West Nusa Tenggara, the eastern part of Indonesia, it less develops than western part of Indonesia in term of infrastructure, education as well as economic resulting I was financially unable to support for furthering my study. Furthermore, the lack of financial support from Indonesia government as well as high cost of education in Indonesia making the chance to furthering study become really small. Thus I really depend on private body for financially support for my study.

My passion in learning leads me to sharing my knowledge and experiences and dedicating my life for education to educate more people. Thus I decide to be a lecturer as my future career. The knowledge, skills and experiences I gain during furthering in study in Master degree blend with the excellence and quality of UK education will be very crucial modal for me in developing my future career. After finishing my study, I am going to be lecturer in my region, since it was less develop in education, thus providing them better education, as well as I am to share my experience that nothing impossible if we have passion and hardship. I also would like to propose to do voluntary work in education during my study to ensure that I gain adequate skills and experience in teaching which will be beneficial for my future career. Lastly, I have thought to build a charity body as my long term goal to provide funding for less fortunate people to get proper education so at least they can change their fate through education.

Thus by awarded this scholarship I will be able to fulfil my aspiration and realize my future career in order to educate more people.

Thank you very much for you review.

dear Sir,

i am attaching my essay that i am trying for my endeavour awards. please kindly revisit my essay and kindly do necessay correction.

It back when I was in high school in whichwhen my passion infor biology drivendrove me to pursue a formal education in medicine. Due to the high cost of tuition fees and lack of financial capabilitymy financial situation , resulted I was unable to enroll as a medical student. As my aspiration, I wish that someday I have chance to be able to study in medical area.This sentence is not needed. It repeats exactly what you said in your first sentence

Thank you for your reviews.