Prompt: Compose Page 87 of your autobiography. In this essay, you should be creative, considering where your life story would be at this point.
Monkeys screeching, exotic birds chirping- I had to become familiar with these sounds as they were my early morning wake up call. This was the first day of my volunteer efforts for the ADA (American Dental Association) at Tanzania. Reminiscing when I first signed up to volunteer, I had a limited sense of what to expect. But the moment I stepped off the plane, I knew that I needed to help make a change. The car ride when I first arrived at my hotel was somber, passing through the refugee camp where I would spend a bulk of my time. The images of men, women, and children suffering at these camps brought grief to me; I could not bear to watch.
The first visit that I made to the camp was with another volunteer. She was not a dentist like me, but a pediatrician working with the Red Cross. Like me, she was a young adult who had come to Tanzania to take initiative and make a difference in the lives of others. When Lee and I arrived at the camp, there was already a tent set up for both of us. At my tent I saw four Tanzanian men and women from the local university; it was my job to teach each of them how to perform oral surgery and preventive dentistry. This I knew from the beginning was going to be challenge considering the language barrier between us. Each of them knew small hints of English, which made it slightly easier.
My first day on the job began with a bang. The symptoms were various: swollen upper jaw, fever, swollen neck glands. It was a young boy, named Andongwiyse, who was suffering from an apparent tooth infection. I quickly but carefully performed an emergency root canal for the boy. This was not enough to alleviate the pain from Andongwiyse as his fever lingered. So as the procedure ended, I hastily took him to Lee to get him some medicine to remedy the fever. Andongwiyse was the first glimpse of the severities that were occurring at the camp. The patients kept rolling in and out throughout the day, and with every procedure, the students I was teaching were catching on. I had set a goal that by the time I left that I would be able to train at least one of my volunteer students to a point where they could take over. This might have been a reach, but I knew that if one of the students was willing to do to so, it could happen.
The day was coming to an end, the bustling of patients coming in and out of my tent was settling down. As I was packing up my equipment to return to the hotel, a woman approached me. She spoke a phrase to me in a native African language, "Asante Sana". I had not known what she said to me until on the ride back when I asked Lee. She told me it meant "Thank you very much." As I hear that I could not help it to crack a smile, this small gesture made an enormous impact assuring me of the importance of my work.
There seems to be something wrong in the third paragraph when I read it, but I can't really grasp what. Constructive criticism! Please and Thank you!! :)
Hi! Good job. Here are my suggestions; just some trivial things.
Monkeys screeching, exotic birds chirping, I became familiar with these sounds as it soon became my awakening call in the mornings.
Something is awkward in your use of punctuation here. Maybe it is just the way I am reading it, but I expect to find another kind of sound after "exotic birds chirping." Otherwise, maybe "Monkets screeching, exotic birds chirping - I became familiar with these sounds becoming my early-morning wake up call."
I had become bored with my normal routine back home and decided it was time for change, so I found refuge in Tanzania working as a volunteer for the ADA.
Possibly let us know what ADA is?
Just some grammar issues: "What I first signed up to volunteer, ...
If you are stepping off the plane you have probably arrived. I would cut to make it "But the moment I stepped off the plane..."
"...passing through the refugee camp where I would spent a bulk of my time at ."
"The images of these men, women, and..."
The first visit that I made to the camp was with another volunteer but she was not a dentist like me, but a pediatrician working with the Red Cross.
Maybe two sentences.
She was a young adult like me, who had come to Tanzania to retreat her home and take an initiative to actually make a difference.
"Like me, she was a young adult who had come to Tanzania to take initiative and make a difference in the lives of others." I don't think your use of "retreat" is quite right here.
Her name I soon found out to be was Kailee, but I just called her Lee. When we arrived at the camp, there was already a tent set up for both of us.
I think your first sentence is a bit superfluous. I was just say something along the lines of "Lee and I..." We'll know who it is you are talking about.
Andongwisye was the name of my first patient. He was a young boy who was suffering from an apparent tooth infection. [...] This might have been a reach, but I knew that if one of the students was willing to do to so, it could happen.
You're right. I too have some hesitations about this paragraph. Maybe heighten the drama. Say something like "My first day on the job began with a bang. The symptoms were various: swollen upper jaw, fever, swollen neck glands." Then go on to intro Andongwisye and the tooth infection plaguing him. Up-play your heroism through the pacing of your encounter with this young boy.
Again, just my two cents. Good luck!
Monkeys screeching, exotic birds chirping, I became familiar [...]
^This reads more like the setting of a story or any other application essay. It does not read as if page 87 of a book, let alone your autobiography, has been opened, which is actually how your essay for this essay prompt is supposed to read.
Ineffective introduction.
Great feedback guys!
Kelsey- I reviewed the grammer errors, and added a little spice of action to the Andongwiyse scene!
Liebe- Good look, I was thinking about that but I wasn't really sure. I reworded the intro so it is sounds more like me in Tanzania starting my day off rather than just making a setting. It's kind of like an intro to a chapter.
I like to trim out the unnecessary phrases: Monkeys screeching, exotic birds chirping -- my early morning wake up call. This was the first day...
This is so good, with no errors to correct -- if it really was a page from a book I would want to read more. One thing you might want to experiment with is writing in the present verb tense:
This is the first day of ...at these camps brings grief to me; I cannot not bear to watch. -----> but that is only a good idea if you like the effect is has.
Congratulations, you are a great writer :-)
