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Orange Scholars(Home Depot) Essay


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Feb 5, 2011, 07:02pm   #1
Hey guys, I'm not a good writer so I'm hoping to get some criticism for my next draft. The prompt is "Please describe your personal and educational goals. What challenges have you faced that have helped shape those goals? How have you dealt with those challenges?"

As of high school senior, my goal is to get accepted into the prestigious University of California. However, my ultimate goal is to attend medical school after receiving a degree from the University of California. However, my quest to accomplish this goal has had some obstacles, one even before I was born.

Both my parents struggled before I was even born. My mom, having come to the United States as a high school student, had to learn English in a short time before taking entrance exams and applying for college. Like my mom, my dad...


SEE BELOW

Any help will do Thank You

-Asheesh

sheesho:
my ultimate goal is to attend medical school after receiving a degree from the University of California

I don't think this is your ultimate goal! :-) I think it is a means to an end, a step along the way. You want to attend med school because of what you value in life, what you aspire to do for the world and for yourself. It is all about what is meaningful to you...

Here is a little typo:
The history of my parents' experience helps explain....

My best advice for you: Spend an hour reading about different philosophies of medicine, different medical specializations, or recent advancements in medicine that interest you. Then, revise this essay to include some discussion of how you feel about these current issues. You are able to use the Internet, so you have no excuse to write an essay that does not demonstrate knowledge about developments in the aspects of medicine that interest you. As of now, you did not really do that, but I see that you do write very well and certainly are a dedicated student! So... they will be impressed by this, but not as much as if you show that you are reading every day because you are so motivated.

:-)
Feb 8, 2011, 07:30pm   #3
Thanks for your help Kevin! I will post a revision by this weekend. One thing I left out though was that this essay needs to be written in 500 words or less. I currently have 483. What parts should I delete so I could insert more about medicine? Thanks
Feb 12, 2011, 08:37pm   #4
heres the revision

As of high school senior, my current goal is to get accepted into the prestigious University of California. However, attending medical school after receiving a degree is the next goal I hope to set and accomplish. Yet, my quest to complete this goal has had some obstacles, even before I was born.

Both my parents struggled before I was even born. My mom, having come to the United States as a high school student, had to learn English in a short time before taking entrance exams and applying for college. A top-tier college wasn't in sight for her and she could not afford to go to the college of her choice. Like my mom, my dad spent his childhood abroad, in Uganda, and attended college in England, where English language skills were paramount to success. Both of my parents struggled to make a new life in America but their hard work and determination allowed us to enjoy our life as a family.

The history of my parents' experience helps explain how a hard work ethic was instilled in me at an early age. My mom explained to me that success in life depends upon the amount of effort one puts into one's studies. As a young boy, I spent substantial time practicing on workbooks usually a grade or two above my own. Little did I know at the time that this extra effort early in childhood would set the foundation for me to take on greater academic challenges as I progressed through school. With new academic success came a need to get involved outside of school.

Working part-time had the appeal of variation in my daily schedule, however, the options for employment were scarce. Fortunately, I found inspiration in volunteer work at the local hospital. Through my volunteer work, I have witnessed the inner workings of a hospital environment. My interaction with the doctors and other hospital staff has allowed me to experience first hand the positive impact they have on the well being of the individual and the community. Seeing sick and injured people in need has inspired me to seek a profession where someday I can help them heal.

I would like to use my degree and education to help discover a cure for diabetes. Many of my relatives, including my dad, and approximately over 180 million around the world suffer from it. It is a goal of mine to contribute as much as I can to find a safe, yet effective immunization shot that could completely wipe the disease out.

My family has expanded my horizons and given me a better understanding of the world. My parents planted the seed and gave me the mental and physical nourishment so that I can become a productive citizen. They hope I will achieve successes even beyond their own. Now that this goal is almost complete, I continue to prepare for my next and future goals.



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