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'new places and new people' - About Self Scholarship Essay


dustygalaxy 1 / 2  
Jan 7, 2012   #1
Hi please criticize the essays as hard as you could and correct my grammatical/expression mistakes as well. Thank you so much!

In 200 to 300 of your own words, describe personal characteristics and accomplishments that will allow readers to form a complete view of you. Include any family or personal circumstances that may have impact your achievements.

Discovering new places and new people fascinate me. However, that is the reason why I decided to move from Duri, a small town where I used to live for 15 years to move to a big city named Bandung, continuing my senior high school and experiencing on how to live in 'the real world'. Nevertheless, there were some people who underestimate about my decision, but it would not let me down. With the power of an open mind, I easily adapted with the diversity that really inspired me. I remember when my parents told me that I have to be better than them. Every single advice they gave is the guiding lights for me to be a hard worker person and not easily gives up on thing to reach my aim.

I always like to take part in any organizations which support my passions. Organization is the place where I can improve my leadership skill, sharing some ideas, and participating in some competitions. It is a challenge for me in working with the people because every individual has different characteristic and my job is to adjust myself in their characteristic in order to make a great team work and accomplish team's goal.

Always be creative and try to think out of the box, those are my principle. Just like my favorite quotation, "There is always something", means that everything happens for a reason and there is not only one solution to solve it. That's the way I am living my life.
ItsokaytoGaga 15 / 96  
Jan 8, 2012   #3
Nevertheless, there were some people who underestimate about my decision, but it would not let me down

remove the about; try using another word for 'underestimate'. I know what you want to say, but the word seems wrong in this context. How about 'demeaned'/'spurned'/denigrated' ? :)

I always like to take part in any organizations which supports my passions

subject-verb error. 'Any' is singular and goes with 'supports'.

It is a challenge for me in working with the people because every individual has different characteristics and my job is to adjust myself into their characteristics in order to make a great team work and accomplish team's goal

'in working' is idiomatically wrong. 'to work' is better. :) the second time, try using another word for 'characteristics'... 'requirements' is a better word choice I feel.

Always be creative and try to think out of the box, those are my principle.

'Being creative and thinking outside the box are my principles.' The above sentence seems a bit passive.

Just like my favorite quotation, "There is always something", means that everything happens for a reason and there is not only one solution to solve it. That's the way I am living my life.

Rephrase this: "There is always something," which means that everything happens for a reason and there are multiple solutions to one problem. This quote reflects my outlook on life and this is how I choose to lead it. (Okay, this is just my addition. Feel free to use it or not. :) )

Otherwise, nice work! I tried to address whatever I could.
Keep revising!

Please look over both my threads if possible. I would really appreciate any more reviews for my essays. :) Thanks a ton!!
OP dustygalaxy 1 / 2  
Jan 8, 2012   #4
Seriously thank you so much!


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