Narrative Letter for Diversity Scholarship Appeal (Mizzou; prompt included)

Hello. I'm currently trying to appeal my school's decision not to renew my scholarship. I think this is too long. I'd appreciate any tips or advice. Thank you! Here is the prompt: (drive.google.com/file/d/0B5qqjxUGTFSVYmpDdW9ONjhfcm8/view?usp=sharing) and the full form (drive.google.com/file/d/0B5qqjxUGTFSVdGs5SlRzdVZldHc/view?usp=sharing)

Dear Student Financial Aid,

I write this narrative letter in the hope that you will reconsider the decision to not renew my scholarship for the 2015-2016 school year. I understand that my scholarship was not renewed because my cumulative GPA was below the required 2.20. I acknowledge that the loss of my scholarship is my fault, though I hope the following information will help you understand what caused my poor performance and see how, if you accept my appeal, I can and will exceed this coming year and the years after.

It would be clear to anyone who looks at my academic profile that I was unprepared to take on the workload that I did my first year. My high school GPA of 2.53 was an indicator that I should've taken it easy and not enrolled in such difficult classes. I dropped one class in the Fall of 2014 after the first day because I knew that it would be too difficult. I wish I had applied this foresight to my other classes. The one class I failed, College Success Seminar 1150, I failed in part because online classes simply aren't for me. Online classes do have a higher failure rate than traditional classes and the problematic Pearson software, which other students voiced concerns about, was slow and often wouldn't work. I will do whatever I can to change that grade, retaking the class or otherwise, and tell those in charge that a class made for helping students succeed should be face to face and not online. I tried to push through my other classes thinking I could handle them but that wasn't the case.

After the first semester it was clear that I'd have to work harder if I wanted to keep my scholarship since without it was very likely that second semester would be my last at Mizzou. I attended study sessions, received tutoring from TAs, and planed for success with ARS. All of this happened while my tinnitus continued to worsen. Some may not see this an extenuating factor, but tinnitus has effects on attention and memory, things that have been problematic in my life and school for years. After the previous school year I considered the possibility that tinnitus may be hindering my academic performance and voiced these concerns to my doctor. He agreed and recommended I get a noise maker, as it helps negate the effects of his tinnitus. With the help I sought out and the amount of hard work I put in I was able to improve my GPA by 0.7 points. This was an accomplishment but it was not enough to reach a 2.20 cumulative GPA. This is especially sad as my first year at Mizzou really developed my interest in my major, computer science, and my love for the school as a whole.

With all of this in mind, I have no intention of repeating any of my previous mistakes. My advisor and I have come up with a set of classes that will allow me to be successful. In addition, I will no longer be living in a dorm, as I believe the distractions that I faced there also contributed to my poor performance. Because I am more aware of the academic resources Mizzou offers, I will use as many as I can. This will start with appointments at the Learning Center to create a study plan. In addition to this guidance help sessions and TA visits will be used whenever I'm having trouble with a particular subject. Additionally, even though I don't think I'll have many writing assignments in the Fall semester, I'll get help from Writing Center when I need it as writing is one of my weak points. Finally, my new roommates are taking some of the same classes as me and we have all made plans to study together.

My first year was a huge learning experience. While a series of mistakes and unfortunate circumstances caused me to have a low GPA last year, I'm certain that with the knowledge I've gained, I will be extremely successful this coming year. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and I hope that it is enough to prove that I am worth a second chance.

Thank You,
(name)

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This is the one I wrote for my brother:

7/27/15

Tomas
YOUR ADDRESS
Tucson, AZ 85719
PIMA COMMUNITY COLLEGE
Attn: Financial Aid Appeal Committee
SCHOOL ADDRESS
CITY, ST ZIP

Re: Financial Aid Award Appeal Request

Dear Financial Aid Appeal Committee,

I appreciate the generous financial aid award letter I received previously, however I still cannot afford to attend PCC.

Unfortunately, our family income has been unstable at times causing hardships. During my wife's last two pregnancies' she has been on complete bed rest leaving me to care for our other children ages 16 -1 in addition to keeping up on my studies. This weighed heavily on my grades though I tried to push through and complete my classes. When I first began college I had a few ideas of what my outcome would be however was not sure. As time went along I found a major that I unexpectedly embraced and have now made it my life's dream. I want to be an accountant and have been more successful embracing this as a career path stronger than any other. Numbers come easily to me and I implore the school to allow me the financial aid so that I may see my dreams come true for myself and my family.

Currently I have four children of my own and a niece that we have cared for over the last 3 years. My family of seven does not allow for me to afford school as expenses are too high. With these financial problems, my family is struggling to pay everyday bills. Therefore, my family is unable to borrow additional loan funds on my behalf.

Although my financial situation is challenging at the moment, there is no doubt in my mind that I will succeed at PCC. My current grade point average is 3.8, and I plan to do even better this academic period.

I am convinced that with the help of this committee I will able to finish my education at PCC.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to explain my financial circumstances. I look forward to hearing about your decision.

Sincerely,

________________________ _________
Tomas 7/27/15

Phd, yes you're correct your letter is quiet long and most of the time, letters this long will not only mean the reader will not read it, maybe they will but you will loose them eventually,here's what I think;

- stop focusing on what you've done wrong, I see this at the beginning, through out your letter and until the end, be positive
- let the administrator know your strength and how you will get back to that 2.20 margin for GPA
- you are a man of passion and perseverance in completing your studies, sell it to the institution
- everyone has seen unfortunate circumstances this is life's way of survival but you don't have to emphasize these in your letter.

I will make a draft in little bit and will post it here.

Thank you.