What identifies you as a deserving candidate for Saint Louis University's Presidential Scholarship?

Can someone please comment on my essay. Please comment and criticize, I'm open to opinions

Essay Question: Nearly all of our Presidential Scholarship applicants demonstrate significant involvement in extracurricular activities and have achieved recognition on a variety of levels. Bearing that in mind, please discuss what defining characteristic, distinguished accomplishment or particular aspiration identifies you as a deserving candidate for Saint Louis University's Presidential Scholarship. In identifying this unique attribute, please also describe how SLU in particular complements your character.

Every individual has his or her own defining characteristics and this in turn is conveyed in the activities one partakes in. I feel my defining characteristic is my determination. I carry with me this attribute in all of my activities and in life in general. When I was a little boy I was intorduced into the the sport of swimming by my father. He was a swimming fanatic and he made the love of the sport grow on me. My first serious encounter with a swimming pool when i was little was when i naively jumped into the deep end of the pool. Unfortunately for me no one took notice of the drowning little boy as early as I would have expected but I was still found in time before i had completely drown. This incident made me bent on learning the arts of swimming; the zeal to learn was heightened.From then on, swimming became a major part of my life. And so whenever an oppurtunity came to swim I took.

High school was sort of a defining period for me to show case my talent. Just being introduced to high school I took notice that sports was on a more competitive level and definately I was going to get involved. During the time on the swim team i was involved in different competitions representing my school. Althought I was not initially a star athlete, seeing how well other contestants performed in competitions made me envy their skill and feel inferior at some point, but this did not stop me. I took it upon myself to improve. Over time my improvements began to be manifest in my performance whenever the team went out to compete. In the process I recieved different forms of awards ranging from plaques to medals for the different positions i came in my respective meets.

During my stay in high school I found out a greater platform were athletics skills could be show cased; the Olympics. The first time I watched an olympic game I was amazed, the great skill and speed which each athlete possessed was breathtaking. For a while now it has been a dream of mine to actually take part in the olympic games. Although I have been discouraged by a lot of friend saying " Nigerians never make it far in swimming, it is all just a waste of time", I plan to prove them wrong. To show them that with determination practically anything is possible.

I feel Saint Louis University would be able to foster my qualities and allow me to grow as an individual. I believe that my character would help the community grow as well by influencing others. SLU would also provide a platform for me to relate with other athletes such as myself from diverse cultures.Finally, SLU could compliment my leadership quality by providing me with the tools I need to be leader in my community such as leading the team or whichever area my skills are required.

Rafeeq, your essay is fine but it lacks one important element, you were not able to discuss how the core values of Saint Louis University would complement your character should you become a student there. The essay will be greatly improved once you add that particular paragraph or two. Then there is the problem of your discussing your accomplishments while a member of the swim team. Did you even win any competitions for yourself rather than the team? You need to point that out because the scholarship prompt already pointed out that they look positively upon applicants who have accomplishments of their own to speak of within the essay. What I read shows your determination to make it in the swimming world, but does not tell us that you managed to achieve anything of note in the process. We do not need to learn what the team achieved, we need to know what you achieved during your time as a member of the team. Future ambitions of joining the Olympics aside, you need to prove that you have done something noteworthy during your high school years to become a viable candidate for this scholarship. By the way, how do you plan on joining the Olympics? That would be a nice touch in this essay. Please try to refine the essay based upon the reviews and after that, we can address the numerous grammatical problems that are contained within the essay.