Gates-unfair situation- I had a voice and I wanted it to be heard.

Briefly describe a situation in which you thought you or others were treated unfairly or were not given an opportunity you thought you deserved. Why do you think this happened? How did you respond? Did the situation improve as a result of your response? Explain why you thought the situation was unfair, why you thought your way of responding would make a difference and whether it did.

Hi! This is an excerpt from my essay that I would love for some help on editing. It's the longest paragraph of my entire essay and I wanted to shorten it up a bit. Thank you for your help!

I put up with excuse after excuse from him even if it meant I had to forego social activities. "...families spend Saturdays together...I don't know her parents...you have Sunday school the next day...don't you have to study for a test?" Finally a friend's fourteenth birthday slumber party was my turning point. She was my closet friend at school. When she handed out her sleepover invitations, I felt obligated to attend because I was her best friend. Weeks in advance I had already purchased her present, so I had no doubt in my mind that I would attend. My dad, on the other hand, had the opposite thought. From the moment I asked for his permission to go, I was immediately met with another lecture about family responsibilities. This time I was not willing to back down. I countered every argument he gave with a compromise. I would complete every chore and homework assignment before I left. What made him uncomfortable with the situation was that he didn't know her parents. That's where finding a solution became tricky. Neither her parents nor my parents speak fluent English. Setting up a meeting between them was not a possibility. So I told him, "Trust in me." After all, he raised and instilled his values and lessons in me. I know right from wrong, because of him. Ultimately he gave in and agreed, with conditions, to let me go. Sweet victory at last! The feeling of standing up for myself and succeeding was addicting. It gave me self esteem and confidence. After a long wait, I had a voice and I wanted it to be heard.

You wrote closet instead of closest.

Wait a minute, are you writing about yourself as the victim of injustice as an answer to this prompt?This is supposed to be about advocating for others. Besides, the case you make sounds very weak: "put up with excuses from" a parent who wanted families to spend time together on weekends when you were a preteen... it sounds like typical teenager rebellion.

It may be that your father was unreasonable, but this paragraph makes you just seem like a typical kid who gradually was given more freedom while entering the teenage years.

You write very well, but I suggest a whole new strategy for the essay! Write about someone for whom you advocated.

:-)

Thank you for the suggestion. I can see where the teen rebellion comes into play, but the rest of my essay focused on how I overcame cultural differences with my father to open up new perspectives. I guess I took the essay prompt as a personal struggle in an unfair situation that I overcame rather than advocating for others.