Hi:
I'll be applying for the Fulbright-García Robles graduate scholarships. It is a requisite to write my study Objectives (among other things such as future plans and a personal statement). The first thing I wrote was this: the study objectives. I am submitting it because I would like to see overall opinions on the essay, and to receive suggestions on how to improve (if I used formal language or repeated words or should use connectors or change tenses, etc.) and make it shorter (I am supposed to write between 400-600 words, but every time I try to shorten it I end up adding words; so far it is 651 words long). The instructions indicate I should " Write a clear and detailed description of your study objectives, and give your reasons for wanting to pursue them. Be specific about your major field and your specialized interests within this field. Describe the kind of program you expect to undertake, and explain how your study plan fits in with your previous training and your future objectives. This statement is an essential part of your application. Do not mention specific U.S. universities at which you would like to study". Did I accomplish that? please, be honest.
Study Objectives
Ever since a child I have wanted to become a doctorate scientist and make discoveries, as the footprints of my pass through life. A couple of years later, at high school, I realized that the best mark to leave was the improvement of other people's lives, and science is an excellent means. Nowadays, I am determined to achieve so.
I recently graduated with honors from a public University in Mexico, as a biologist. It was tough; I had to work to sustain myself. Fortunately, I was godfathered by a research center which offered me the opportunity to participate in as many projects as I could. During these years, evolutionary biology revealed to me as a prodigious subject that exposed a different, staggering yet genuine image of the world. I have no doubt, I have witnessed it: evolutionary biology not just helps explain why about many things regarding nature, it is a powerful mind-opening tool that changes people's perception of the world and, therefore, modifies behavior. Thus, I am decided to become an expert in evolutionary biology, not just to generate as much magnificent scientific information as I can, but to amend erroneous paradigms that mold human destructive and selfish lifestyles.
That is why as an undergraduate, I developed a thesis on a natural hybridizing plant species complex. These subject not just conjugates my favorite themes in life sciences (evolution, botany and ecology); it can also address some of the most fundamental philosophical matters in biology, like the species concept (related to conservation concerns); furthermore, research on natural hybridization has led to relevant discoveries in key areas such as speciation, invasiveness and extinction.
Throughout my research on hybridization, I gained a better understanding of evolution but, in disappointment, I also realized how scarce the studies on this subject in my country are -despite being considered biologically mega-diverse-. Similarly, while looking at my options for a Master's degree, I noticed that many of the countries that harbor biodiversity hotspots (including my own) do not offer graduate programs -nor a majority of courses- focused on evolution; which was pretty unexpected, considering the vast amount of evolutionary studies that can potentially be developed.
I am eager to increase my knowledge of evolution and botany, either by improving my current understanding or by learning methods and notions that haven't been developed in my homeland. Therefore, following my beliefs, career history and life objectives, I must major on evolution, with the possibility of specialization in botany, or vice versa, preferably in a setting with widespread examples of plant hybridization.
Actually, the dream is starting to become true. I was recently accepted into the Department of Botany Graduate Program at a U.S. University. This department also offers the "EECB" graduate specialization, described on their website as "an interdisciplinary program promoting integration among the traditionally separate disciplines that come together synergistically under the umbrella of Ecology, Evolution and Conservation Biology".
This couldn't be more perfect: this is a University from the First World; it has a botany department with their own graduate program and a specialized program on evolution! It is also at a biodiversity hotspot, and as the botanist Dr. Gerald Carr said this is the place on earth "more likely to illustrate the evolutionary importance of hybridization".
This is a unique opportunity for me to learn how to do cutting edge research and study evolution in one of the most impressive settings in the world. That will certainly put me many steps closer to becoming a doctorate expert, able to cultivate society and change paradigms, through evolutionary theory.
Mariana, the essay is definitely wordy and needs to be cut down. The problem is that you are trying to over express yourself in the English language. You need to simply state the facts and not try to dramatize the content. You can do this by simply presenting the objective if your studies in the first or introductory paragraph. Once you have established the reason behind your desire to complete these studies, everything else will fall into place and shorten in length. I advice you to keep this down to 4 informative paragraphs at the most. Breakdown your paragraphs into the following content:
1. Introduction - The field of study you wish to enroll in and why. Avoid any references going back to your childhood dreams and aspirations.Those are irrelevant at this point in your life. That is not important here. If there is a social or scientific problem that you wish to solve, then mention it. That is the reason for the interest in your field of study.
2. Body 1 - The method you plan on using to achieve the solution to the problem you wish to solve. These will be part of your study objectives.
3. Body 2 - Your expected outcome or results upon graduation.
4. Conclusion - How you expect these studies to help change the field you work in or help you achieve more in the field of work you are in.
Just keep it simple. You don't need to over emphasize in a study objective essay. Relate the facts as needed and in relation to your desired advanced field of study. Do not dwell too much on the past as you do in this current essay. You are supposed to be applying to one of the most important scholarships in the world. Don't waste the time of the reviewer by making him read all about your past failures and successes. This is all about looking towards the future and how you can create your memorable niche in that world. Right now, your essay does not work in offering a study objectives essay.
