I felt excited, anxious, and scared as I walked home alone, at the age of five years old, from the carnival of a nearby city where I was left behind by my sibling. These are some of the same emotions I felt when my life took a change when I moved from Mexico to start a new life in North Carolina. Now my life is taking another drastic change as I am preparing to move onto new era in my life: college. I believe I have to go to college and be successful because I would consider myself a failure and a disappointment to my parents if I did not go. The reason I say this is because my parents have made sacrifices such as leaving their profession in Mexico and coming to the United States to work in jobs that they have never thought of doing just because they wanted to provide me and my siblings' better opportunities for a better life. Even though there have been times in were I would get sidetracked along my educational path by surrounding peers I have learned that I should always go with what is best for me such as going to college. As I think about the changes in my life, I am also planning ahead for college. I already have chosen the field of study I plan to take which is engineering, but also as I think about all the new responsibilities I will need to handle I am also having headaches on how I will be able to pay for tuition and other personal needs. Even If the costs of tuition and other expenses are way too high for me to handle I will not let this discourage me from finding places where I can get financial help and also from stopping me from going to college because I know that in the end It will be well worth it.
I know its more than 250 words but this is a rough draft
Sinai, your story is quite generic in the sense that almost everyone who is applying for a scholarship will have the same sob story as you do. Almost all of you will be children of immigrant parents who came to the United States, sacrificed, and hope that their children will have a better life than in Mexico. All of you are hoping that the government or private institutions will pay your way through college because your family cannot afford to pay for it. That is something that does not matter to scholarship committees. In the light of college expenses rising every semester, you need a better reason than this to gain the sympathy of the screening officer.
Rather than portraying the common story, why not play up your vital assets as a potential scholar instead? Sell them on your grades, show them you are an exemplary student who should be given a chance to attend college in order to give back to the country that adopted your family. Sell them on what sets you apart from the other applicants. A dream, an ambition, a goal in life.. anything that can tell them that they should take the chance on your application. Right now, you are just one of the many candidates with the same financial sad story, hoping to appeal to for financial aid. Give them a reason to want to support your studies other than, "My family migrated, we are poor and I cannot go to college because we cannot afford it." Give them a reason to root for you, your studies, and your future. Will their helping you make you a successful student? Why? Strive to stand out and be different from the other applicants.
Thank You for the help
What is the foremost reason that you believe you deserve this scholarship? You need to highlight an aspect of yourself either as a student or person that will set you aside from the other applicants. An accomplishment that shows your potential for success in your chosen fieldwould work best. Highlight the part time work experience in relation to that. Then maybe you can mention something about the core values of the scholarship which you feel you embody. As such, you would be in a very good position as a scholarship recipient to promote their cause in the academic field. Those are just some of my suggestions to help improve your application :-)
I made some corrections and put in other ideas in it.
Any suggestions?
How could I shorten it?
Shortening this essay will rely mostly on your ability to focus solely on the prompt requirement which is to justify your need and ability to be an excellent recipient of this scholarship. Discuss only your solid points as a student, in terms of previous academic recognition or grade point average, or exemplary performance during an internship that proves your potential as a student of this particular field. Your essay does not really represent the explanation pertaining to your need for this scholarship although it over emphasizes your ability to succeed as a student. Without the ability to explain the need for the scholarship, it will be difficult to make this essay fit the prompt. Try to explain your current financial circumstances in relation to your college degree, that is the foremost reason you need to get a scholarship. Explain how you plan to afford to complete your college education on your own and/or with your parents help, but then their help will only go so far and the scholarship will serve to help you achieve your dreams, ambitions, and goals in life. Once you successfully do that, you will have written an effective scholarship application essay.
Why do I deserve this scholarship?
I want to shorten it a bit , any suggestions help
I am aiming to incorporate myself in the field of Engineering
times I have worked on engines and gears
maybe change this to the times I have worked within the field?
math to me is just learning the specific rules to each problem
this makes it sound, to me at least, like you don't enjoy math.. the part about making dull and difficult needs to relate better to this.
Overall, I'd say you could work on incorporating each piece of your essay (Engineering, Pre Cal, Variable valve timing) all together to be a more coherent response.
Also, thanks for the feedback on my essay, I appreciate it!
Edit: I now see that the prompt is why you deserve the scholarship. Oops. :)
What is the scholarship for? Some context may help us better understand where you are coming from..
I think it may be a bit of a stretch to compare your five year old self with your current self, maybe try a more recent event or elaborate a little more on the idea of your siblings leaving you behind, elaborate as to how this changed you, or how its as significant a change as the other milestones you mentioned, just because I don't exactly understand what constitutes your siblings leaving you behind but its a thought provoking idea.
You really know your stuff, and that truly shines through this essay!! My only other criticisms are that you break the essay up into paragraphs so as to make it an easier read and separate the ideas you present and that you spend a little more time elaborating on those last two sentences where you talk about the scholarship helping you, because that really is the point of the question and the meat and potatoes of what they want to see. Just expand a little on how exactly it will help take the burden off of your family, and how it could change your life permitting you to pursue engineering!
But overal, very well thought out, and I love how descriptive you are in your experiences!
