Unanswered [3] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Scholarship /     

Why do you deserve this scholarship? serious attitude towards study


answers: 5
Mar 2, 2010, 08:47am   #1
Hello everyone, I'm applying to this scholarship and it requires writing an essay about why I deserve it. I just finished my first draft and there are still many mistakes. Please help me proofreading and I will give feedbacks on your essays too. All comments are appreciated. Thank you very much

Why do you deserve to receive this scholarship? (max 600 words)

"One important concept in marketing is to build confidence and trust in customers to earn their loyalty", said Professor X
Last year, I had a chance to attend a marketing class at RMIT and I still remember vividly how exciting and informative the class was. For three years, I have cherished the dream of becoming student of RMIT Vietnam and the demo class added more flame to my burning desire. The idea of being taught by top-notch professors from different countries thrills me to the extreme. More over, at RMIT, I have the chance to not only build close relationship with my friendly professors but also with friends who share common interests and commitment to study with me. Allowing students to access an international studying environment without leaving the country, RMIT has everything I ever dream of a college. I have firm belief that I have ability to pursue education at RMIT successfully.
During school years, I have always tried my best in every field that I am in. Studying 12 hours a day during the preparation period for the entrance exam was stressing but it paid off with my admission to Foreign Language Specializing High school, one of the best schools nationwide. Here, I proudly finished my 3-year journey with much enthusiasm and devotion. Every morning, despite the long distance to school and the cramping stuffy bus, I never let myself be late for school. I took a very serious attitude towards study. Each 45-minute period in class takes me twice such time for self-study until I fully absorb everything from the lecture and textbooks, only when can my satisfaction be fulfilled. I remember staying up all night trying to solve a tough math problem because I know I would not be able to have a tight sleep with the unsolved problem hanging over my head. My mother and friends sometimes joke me about my utmost seriousness to study but I don't mind. This is what has shaped me into how I am now, confident and fearless of any obstacles awaiting.

However, please do not mistake me for some nerd you see sticking to a desk in a library on a beautiful Sunday, having nothing to do aside studying. Most of the fun time outside class I gain from volunteering work and physical exercises. Every Saturday, I organized a group taking care of retarded children at Morning Star center. Some people may envision 3 hour feeding spoons of soup, wiping swears on the playful kids' face, playing football in summer heat undoable tasks, but that isn't true, at least for me. I found those experiences the most memorable time of my life. Up to now, I still try to visit the kids whenever I have time to see those little friends again. The time spent volunteering at Health care center for elderly and Hoa Binh village also gave me invaluable experiences and taught me thoughtful lessons of life. I learned how people, from children to elderly, are struggling in every day's life and how lucky I am to have a family besides caring for me.

Dear RMIT, I want to study at your university because I desire to be exposed to the international environment that is non-existent in any other schools. I fall for RMIT because you have the best of the best opportunities for me to develop myself both academically and spiritually. I also hope that you would recognize my characteristics, academic accomplishments, and potentials and give me a chance to become a member of your community. Your valuable scholarships would enable me to pursue my study wholeheartedly. As a scholarship student, I will try my best to achieve highest results in my study, all A and A+ hopefully, to deserve the great chance that you offer. In addition to committing to my academic learning, I will definitely not miss any chance to attend exciting sports clubs and social services, where I can make friends and contribute to the betterment of society.

(Current word count: 664)

Please help me cut down on the number of words... :(
Mar 2, 2010, 10:40am   #2
Studying 12 hours a day during the preparation period for the entrance exam was stressing stresssful but it paid off with my admission to Foreign Language Specializing High school, one of the best schools nationwide.

I have never let myself be late for school.

However, please do not mistake me for some nerd you see sticking to a desk in a library on a beautiful Sunday, having nothing to do aside studying

Up to now, I still try to visit the kids whenever I have time to see those little friends again.
Mar 4, 2010, 06:52am   #4
Hello moderator, can I ask why my title was modified? It was originally" why do you deserve?"
Not that this one is not good. I mean I don't want to give a too detailed caption in the title because I'm afraid admission officer may find it on Google? Can you please change it back ? Thank you

To everyone: Please give me more feedbacks. I really need your advice :(
More over is one word: moreover

Ariel:
Allowing students to access an international studying environment without leaving the country, RMIT has everything I ever dream of a college. I have firm belief that I have ability to pursue education at RMIT successfully.

Your whole first paragraph is all about why you like this school, and not about why you deserve the scholarship. The only thing you say about why you deserve the scholarship is, "I have a firm belief that I have the ability..."

That first paragraph needs to be rewritten to answer the prompt question. The way to cut down the word count is to take out some of the content about why you choose the school... and focus on answering the question.

Ahh, I see that you do very well in the next paragraph, though. I would like to see a new intro para that focuses on the question, and make it shorter. That way, the excellent second paragraph will be highlighted.

Ariel:
However, please do not mistake me for some nerd you see sticking to a desk in a library on a beautiful Sunday, having nothing to do aside from studying.


If you had to cut out that whole first paragraph in order to get within the maximum word count that would be okay!! The rest of the essay is great!!

Ariel:
I don't want to give a too detailed caption in the title because I'm afraid admission officer may find it on Google

There is nothing wrong with that! I hope they find it, because they will see that you care so much about improving your writing skill. Some kids think it is cheating to use this site, but that is not the case. It's a writers group! And we help people master the English language. So if anyone tells you it is cheating to have other people give feedback about your writing, you should explain to them that feedback and revision are crucial parts of writing.
Mar 4, 2010, 07:36pm   #6
Thank you very much, Kevin.
At first, I thought showing my strong affection for the school a good thing but apparently it is not.
Yeah, you are totally right, I need to focus more on answering the prompt. I will try to rewrite some parts in the essay. Would you help me proofread again, please?


EF_Kevin:
There is nothing wrong with that! I hope they find it, because they will see that you care so much about improving your writing skill. Some kids think it is cheating to use this site, but that is not the case. It's a writers group! And we help people master the English language. So if anyone tells you it is cheating to have other people give feedback about your writing, you should explain to them that feedback and revision are crucial parts of writing.


Thanks. Your words relieved my mind :-)



Home / Scholarship /

Thread closed ✓