Great corrections, dumi! I want to suggest this method for writing the age:
I am twenty-two years old, female candidate from a...
Also, in this essay the writer tells a lot about things the reader already knows. Many of the statements are "truisms," so they are not really worth mentioning. I want to have you mention the things that show your potential. For example, what articles and books about management have you been reading? What do you think of "blue ocean" strategy, and what do you think of this new concept, "pluralistic leadership"...? I think the essay should have a paragraph that discusses business strategy, philosophy, and so on, and maybe mentions a scholarly journal article or book.
That is better than telling the reader something like this:
A degree in Marketing Management will equip me with skills and knowledge to achieve my ambition in becoming a successful marketing officer in the very near future.
This uses a lot of words to say something that does not need to be said. It is a statement of the obvious. So... do not allow any statements like this to creep into the essay. :-)