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Why do you consider yourself a suitable candidate (career in the field of science)


Nitish 2 / 2  
Apr 10, 2012   #1
How can I make my essay more convincing and strong...Please help me strengthen my essay.

The first time I ever recognized my academic talents among the competitive students of the valley was the moment when I came across an entrance examination after I passed my SLC. Inspite of my high SLC scores, I had never boasted of my marks. What I felt was marks don't matter if you have creativity and talents. If you obtain low scores but yet can show the master skills in what you do, you are never considered an average. The entrance was not as easy as the terminal exams and was all about exploring your out knowledge and your critical thinking abilities.

When I was notified that I had gone through the examination and more than that I was the topper of the exam, I was very glad. It was then that I felt much about my studies. I was awarded with the full fee waiver for 2 years which could have account to $2500. The very amount could have been a hardship to my father to pay off. Infact it was a an economic supplement for my father's income. Since then, I started studying sincerely. On the one hand I gave time to my studies and on the other hand to assist the family's finances I started giving tutions to lower socondary students. I am always interested in learning something new and understanding a little bit more of the world. My interest in science led me to success in various academic and non academic competions. As the time passed by, I discovered that making changes and creating something new was where I wanted to be. In the area of leadership, I have worked 3 years an a class representative and have most of the times leaded my team in number of quiz contests and science exhibitions. I have volunteered various campaigns being an enthusiastic member of School Red Cross member. Being ranked a number two in my institution, I tutor my friends with difficulties in many subject areas.

Consistent with my belief in practice, though not always the winner I never give up to participate in any kinds of programs and contests. My closed eyes always dream of perfection and my open eyes are striving for the excellence. Thanks to my dedication to science, I have discovered a sense of being nearer to my achievement. Moreover, I have also found over past few years to cultivate skills and interests in the related fields. However, due to my family's income which is way less than the educational expenses at the US universities, I sometimes get distracted from my goal which I need to achieve.

Thus, looking at the lack of finances but sound academic and extracurricular background, I consider myself a good candidate for the Opportunity Funding Pragram. This program would definitely help me to pursue my career in the field of science and engineering.

Thanks in advance
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Apr 10, 2012   #2
When I was notified that I had gone through the examination and more than that I was the topper of the exam, I was very glad. It was then that I felt much about my studies. ------------------ I feel your essay would be more attractive if it comes with a better emotionally appealing.

For example;

I still remember how delighted I was on the day I received my results of xxxxxx examination. (you need to specify the examination here) It gave me a great moral boost and made me think about my studies very seriously.

I feel you need to improve the organization of your ideas. For example you talk about your achievement in various places of the essay expecting the reader to remember that and connect it with what you are going to tell next. For example,

In your first two sentences you talk about this achievement and then tell your opinions, which are not related to your achievement directly, to the reader.

When I was notified that I had gone through the examination and more than that I was the topper of the exam...

Then again you talk about this achievement in your second para. This arrangement of ideas tend to confuse the reader. I suggest you should tell one idea and then move on to another.However, I think your grammer is pretty good and if you improve the organization of ideas and give a touch of emotions to your essay, it would be great.


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