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Community Influence Scholarship Essay; 'Coaching has greatly affected my life'


answers: 3
Prompt- Compose a short prompt, 300-500 words, describing why you qualify for this scholarship. Remeber, this is based on a combination of citizenship, character, responsibility, community and satisfactory academic record.


Throughout my high school years I have contributed to my community in many ways. However, none of those ways had such an impact on me or others as my assistant coaching through the Natick recreation department basketball for three years.
I was involved in rec basketball for all of middle school. From fifth to eighth grade, the basketball program, from coaches to teammates, influenced me to be better and try harder. Basketball instilled in me the importance of working with others towards a goal and the importance of hard work. When I reached High School and did not make the team freshman year I was disappointed, thinking I would be losing this important part of my life.
However, in the fall of my sophomore year I called my coach whom I'd had a few times in middle school, Rich Cohen, and asked if he was in need of an assistant coach for his 7th and 8th grade girl team. I figured this would get my community service hours out of the way while also filling the space left by not playing basketball anymore. I never could imagine the long term effects of that phone call.
I have grown up and matured significantly since my sophomore year, and a big part of that is thanks to my coaching experience. I have seen so many girls over come limitations in their own personal shyness, and even overcome their fear of playing a sport. I have seen young girls progress into young women and have hopefully helped them in that process. Working with these girls who are so much younger then me, who look up to me, has inspired me to be the good person that I am. When I step off the court I still have the mentality of having to be an example.
Each girl has affected me in her own way, such as my 4'9" seventh grade player who was intensely afraid to shoot at the start of the season, but by the end of the season she was averaging a basket a game, showing me that we are not limited by things that other have decided should be out of our reach. I hope that through my years in the basketball program I have shown these girls a multitude of things to come. I hope I have given them a person close to their age who is also someone to be admired. Coaching has greatly affected my life, and I hope that my efforts have affected their lives, and therefore the community, as well.

Boring first sentence. Also, the first paragraph is too short. Give an attention grabbing sentence at the start, than some explanation, then some elaboration. Finally, say something MEANINGFUL and descriptive about that activity you're writing about at the end of para #1.

There is no need to name the coach; it wastes words and distracts the reader.

Writing about basketball is probably not going to win you the scholarship. Sports are too common, and the teamwork you discuss is very common. I suggest this:
I was involved in rec basketball for all of middle school. From fifth to eighth grade, the basketball program, from coaches to teammates, influenced me to be better and try harder. Basketball instilled in me the importance of working with others towards a goal and the importance of hard work.

When I reached High School and did not make the team freshman year I was disappointed, thinking I would be losing this important part of my life. However, in the fall of my sophomore year I called my coach...

overcome is one word

...averaging one basket per game, showing me that...

Add more philosophical discussion about the significance of the work you did with these kids, and tell a little about what it has to do with your chosen field of study.

:-)
Mar 25, 2010, 05:18pm   #
This is fantastic! I think this essay clearly portrays not only your literary intelligence but also your warm-hearted compassion. The HOPE and DETERMINATION that you pushed for when you didn't make the team but still helped others shows a great deal of character on your part. Good for You!



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