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My Challenge of being a Team Player (all kinds of sports) - scholarship essay


danlee92 2 / 4  
Oct 20, 2009   #1
Prompt: Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it

Also, please help me cut down on words! Also, i'm missing a conclusion right now, not sure how to end it eloquently yet.

Swimming, karate, tennis, and gymnastics. What do all of these have in common? These sports require neither a partner nor a team. They do not require me to rely on others; they are all in all, independent. Enrolling myself in a variety of activities within and outside of school, I have ways tried to participate in the activity that did not require anyone to rely on me, or for me to rely on them. I made excuses, telling myself I felt this way because I was kept at home as a child to do homework, or because I never had a chance to work as a team, or because I just didn't know how to collaborate with others. But in reality, it was because I was afraid- afraid of rejection, afraid of failure.

It was the winter of my sophomore year that I overcame my fears. The swim season was coming to a close. My coach was choosing swimmers to go to the state swim meet as swimmers and alternates. I waited eagerly for my coach to call out my name. A few names are called out- Brent, Justin, and Connor- he paused for a second- Daniel. My heart jumped, but I stood there reserved. We tapered for a week, getting pumped up for our state meet. When the day finally came, I was thrilled and ready to spend the weekend, carefree, watching my teammates grasping their titles. I walked toward the van and that's when my coach broke the news to me- One of the swimmers had gotten ill and I was to replace him. I didn't know what to feel. I was thrilled, yet shaken from the idea of having people rely on me. I spent the rest of the trip up thinking to myself, "What happens if I swim slowly? If I accidentally dive too early?" Eventually, I overcame my fears, hoping that the other guys would see that I gave my 110%.

It was finally Friday. The day dragged on and the team and I waited anxiously for the meet to begin. Luckily, we didn't have to wait long for our event because it was the first one, the 200 Medley Relay. When our heat was up, I was shaking, not from the cold, but from the butterflies in my stomach. I looked at my teammates, dreading what would happen should we not make the finals.

The whistle was blown, Justin stepped onto the blocks. The crowd was silent. Silence ringing in my ears. The words were spoken- Take your mark, get set. Beep. The aquatic center burst out into uproar, the race had begun. Five seconds out, ten seconds out, flip, Justin was on his way back. I step onto the blocks, my heart pounding, legs shaking. He's five meters out, four, three, two, one, GO. I dive in, the water instantly soothes me and I lose all of my fears. I regain focus and pull stroke after stroke, concentrating on nothing but getting to the wall. Turn. One more length. Every breath I take, I hear my coach and teammates cheering, screaming. Touch. I'm done. Relief falls upon me. I climb out of the pool, and I quickly turn around to cheer on the rest of my team.

We place 22nd, not enough to make it to the finals. Once again, my fears of rejection and failure fill me from head to toe. I disappointed not only myself, but also the team. Yet, I sense no blame directed towards me from my team, no glares and sneer comments. How was it possible? I was the one who wasn't supposed to be on the team, I was the one that slowed us down. For the rest of the meet I pondered over the aspect of being on a team. I realized that through successes and disappointments, a team still sticks together.

From that day on I cast off my fears, no longer worrying about rejection and failure.

Thank you! Please be harsh!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 21, 2009   #2
We place 22nd, not enough to make it to the finals.

I was the one who wasn't supposed to be on the team, I was the one that slowed us down.

This seems rather negative. You go on to say that no one blamed you, and that this led you to view the nature of team activities differently, but you don't really elaborate on exactly how the experience changed your attitude, or how this change will affect your future career as a university student. So, why not get rid of your first paragraph altogether, start straight in with the narrative, and use the room you save to put in more reflection at the end of your essay.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Jan 16, 2010   #3
first paragraph has some tense changes that go from present to past

It was the winter of my sophomore year when I had to face my fears.

You say fear in the first paragraph, so maybe connect this sentence with the next and take out fear

I was excited, yet shaken by the thought of having the team rely on me.

interesting, but it somewhat goes against your intro. maybe you can shorten your intro to something about how at first it wasn't that you didn't see the importance of teamwork, but that you were afraid? then in the body, it will be the discussion about swim. therefore, you don't have to list tennis, or w.e

The day dragged on

sounds negative somewhat

I gazed at my teammates, dreading what would happen should I be the cause of us not making it to the finals.

this was an example of that fear, you can talk more about it- how this was what make you wary of teams, because of the pressure...or soething along these lines

The whistle was blown.

I like this paragraph, though it is long, but the imagery is quite nice.

For the rest of the meet I pondered over the aspect of being on a team. A team player is more than just sticking together through successes, but also sticking together through disappointments.

second sentence pops out of nowhere, even though you are talking ab out your team, need a transition word or phrase like I realized that OR They made me see that.

My experience at this swim meet has allowed me to burst my bubble.

is that a good thing?

Previous to this, I had thought that it did not matter whether I was a team player or not, but now I realize how wrong I was.

now or then?

I have learned that participation is important to a functioning group.

you should embed this more into your participation and not just say it
in the Last sentence, with misconception, what did you mean? your attitude?

Comments: Nice overall, some things to cut down maybe are the intro, about other things not related to team/swim/learning/change/etc that don't really make your point about how this was a significant experience.

I hope you don't get erased for bad title. Good Luck~


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