Hello guys, I need help in my essay I would like you to review my essay and tell me what should be changed or added thanks!
Prompt:
In order to better assist us in determining if you are a deserving MDC Scholarship recipient,
please provide us with one or more of the following criteria:
Why do you consider yourself deserving of an MDC Scholarship?
Please explain.
Miami Dade College or Community Organizations
List to which organization(s) you belong,
your contribution to the organization(s)
and if applicable, position held.
Community Service
List the organization(s) where you completed your hours
and a description of the work performed.
Extenuating Circumstances
List any extenuating circumstance(s) that you consider are vital
in the decision making process of awarding you a scholarship.
(example financial hardship, health related, or other)
ESSAY
Gandhi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world". For me this means that if you want something to be different you need to do something to make it different. I've been in college for 3 months now and I already see life in a whole other way. I believe that my true wish is not getting an education to get money, but to be able to make a change in the world. Scholarships are made to help students make these changes in the world. Right now awarding me ...
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Gandhi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world". For me this means,that if you want something to be different, you need to do something to make it different. I've been in college for 3four months now, and I already see life in a whole other way. I believe thatmM y true wish is not to getting an education to getmake money, but to be able to make a change in the world (Sounds kind of cliche..What kind of change?) . Scholarships are made to help students make these changes in the world. Right now awarding me thisRecieving a scholarship is reallyvery important, because I face financial hardships that are not lettingkeep me from reachingthatmy goal.
InitiallyFrom the beginning , I believedthat technology isto be a big change in the world. EverSs ince I was 8eight- years- old, I have been using the computer for personal things, such as having an email, surfing the web etc. At that time, I did not know all the things technology had to offer, and how it helped to make the world a better place. Nowadays, we use technology for everything we do in our daily lives. I want to use technology and education to make positive changes in my community, and in the world. (you mention bringing change a lot; however, again, what kind of change? Mentioning some ways you want or plan to use technology, will make your essay way more interesting than just saying simply "I want to bring change").
Furthermore, I am planning to study Computer Science, or Computer Information Systems with the help of this scholarship. I feel I deserve this scholarship, because this will not only help me as an individual, but it willalsohelpcould benefit the community in athe near future, because I will beI plan to spendingmy time in research to contribute the benefits with theto the community.
I like how you started out with a quote.
Thank you very much! you are right I need to add more detail to the "change the world" part.
It's kind of hard for me to express my thoughts since my first language is Spanish so your review helped a lot!
If you have room, I think you should answer their questions in three strong body paragraphs of the essay. There are three main parts to their questions for you (i.e. organizations, service, circumstances).
Use a paragraph for each of those, and then go back and add an introduction paragraph that sums up the main idea you get when you put all three body paragraphs together.
I've been in college for 3 months now and I already see life in a whole other way I think you should change the end of this sentence so that it expresses something that pertains to the Gandhi quote about change.
Initially, I believe that technology is a big change in the world You should revise this so that it says something meaningful, not something obvious.
:-)
