So I wrote an essay for a scholarship that I was hoping to get and the topic was "Describe your participation in extracurricular activities.
What have you learned from your experience(s)?" (400 to 600 words) But when I checked the final word count it was 721 words.
I probably was too descriptive and need some help cutting it down a bit. Also some help with punctuation would be much appreciated.
Thanks for helping me!
Essay:
Throughout my high school career I have had the fortune to be involved in quite a few volunteer opportunities that my particular school has to offer. However, the one activity that has had the biggest influence in the shaping of my personality would be volunteering as a peer tutor. My first introduction to this program happened one day when I was walking to my locker while having a conversation with a friend of mine. Out of the blue, a voice came over the intercom informing who ever cared to listen that there was going to be a peer tutor meeting the following morning for anyone who was interested. Like normally, I tuned this voice out not bothering what the faceless voice had to say. On the other hand, my friend seemed to really be intrigued on what the voice had to say and asked if I would go to the meeting with him. My immediate reaction was to decline his offer since, at the time, I had severe issues with my self confidence. However, he persistently asks me and eventually I break and decide to go to the meeting, much to my dismay.
The next morning I arrived early to the meeting in order to get good seats. I sat through the lecture of the supervisor with which my astonishment with increasing interest. She eventually informs that she will call us and the person we are to tutor down to her office within the next week. A few days have passed when I finally hear my name get called down and another person by the name of Sidney. While was extremely nervous to finally meet the person I was going to tutor. When I got to the supervisor's office I immediately see my tutee, Sidney. I first notice her unamused facial expression and her crossed arms defiantly across her chest. Then, I vaguely notice the vague scent of cigarettes. I immediately begin panic even more at the thought of having to tutor a person who seemed to be rebellious. I managed to stutter a greeting towards her. Then, we set a first date to meet the following day,
I arrive the next day at the library early in the morning. Sidney eventually arrive and informs me that she needed to be tutored in her Human Anatomy class. Upon hearing this, I instantly get excited since Human Anatomy is my absolute favorite subject. I get started with helping her with the current topic which was the muscular system. After our first session, I start to get more comfortable around her and start to strike up a conversation with her about her class. I learn from her that she has trouble staying on track with studying and paying attention in class and that was why she was failing her class. She also tells me that she aspires to be a nurse someday which I instantly connect with her since I also want to become a doctor when I grow up.
Within the following weeks, we got together more often and started to discuss a variety of subjects. Sidney would warn me when her class had a test coming which we would then rigorously study for. Afterwards, she would tell me the grade that she got on her test. Surprisingly, I was excited for her when she got a good grade and also felt disappointment when she got a bad grade. I would never have thought I would get this involved with her grades when I first met her. I know for a fact if she keeps up with her studies she would accomplish all of her goals that she sets before her.
Becoming a tutor has taught many life lessons that I would always cherish for as long as I live. I learned that doing something new can only bring great things to me. While tutoring Sidney I learned how to sharpen my people and communication skills, both were something that I was lacking before. Finally, Sidney taught me that no matter what background or appearance that a certain person may have does not entitle them with the stereotypes that might be associated with them. Looking back through my experience, I am glad my friend pressured me to become a tutor, for I have learned many valuable lessons that school itself cannot teach.
Throughout my high school career I have had the fortune to be involved in quite a few volunteer opportunities that my particular school has to offer
Throughout my high school career, I was fortunate of being involved with several volunteer projects that my school offered.However, the one activity that has had the biggest influence in the shaping of my personality would be volunteering as a peer tutor.
However, my volunteering as a peer tutor had the biggest influence in shaping my personality to who I am today.Out of the blue, a voice came over the intercom informing who ever cared to listen that there was going to be a peer tutor meeting the following morning for anyone who was interested.
I see your tendency to have your sentences crowded with too many words. It disturbs your flow of ideas and makes the reader lose interest. Try to skim the main idea and present it in a simple, yet interesting manner.
