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"becoming a football coach; future goals" - making changes to my scholarship essay


jordan_roberts 1 / -  
May 9, 2011   #1
I am applying for a scholarship. There is no information given about the scholarship. I have tried to look up and find information about it. I have not come across any.

Instructions for Essay: A one-page, typed essay regarding goals for the future and how the scholarship will be of benefit.

Any comments and help would be much appreciated.
My rough draft so far:

In the fall of 2011 I plan on attending Southern Arkansas University in Magnolia, Arkansas. I am a recipient of the Blue and Gold Scholarship. The Blue and Gold Scholarship has a value of $20,800 over 8 semesters, and will cover all the expenses to attend school at SAU except room and board . While attending SAU my goals are to complete one to two years in the education program. Then, I plan on transferring to the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville and becoming a graduate assistant for the Razorback football team. After doing the graduate assistant program I will graduate from college with my degree, majoring in Sports Management and minoring in Education. After graduation I will take the Texas State test to receive my teaching certification. I plan to return to Pleasant Grove High School and apply for a coaching/teaching job. If the job is unavailable, I will apply to other schools in the state of Texas. Another route I could take to achieve my goals is to begin a cooperation coaching career with a fellow Pleasant Grove senior who is also planning to receive a coaching degree. This is a strong interest of mine because we both know the game of football, as well as other sports, and we have some of the same coaching aspirations. My main goal is to one day become the head coach of a renowned high school or college football team. This is my dream.

The Al Davis Memorial Scholarship of $1,000 will help further my education and fulfill my goals because I will have everything paid for when I attend SAU, except room and board. My room and board will cost roughly $300 a month, and the Al Davis Memorial Scholarship would be a relief in the personal spending I would put forward for my future education. This scholarship would be highly appreciated.

I have had the dream of becoming a football coach since my freshman year in high school. I live by sports, as it is a big part of my life. I have played varsity football for 3 years. I have always wanted to provide coaching techniques and tools to young adults and help further them in life. I will teach my athletes not only football and other sports, but also how to become a good man or woman. I want to give the ability and knowledge I have about sports and help pass it on to the next generation of athletes. The Al Davis Memorial Scholarship would help in reaching my goals.
subhash_ghosh 11 / 29  
May 11, 2011   #2
In the fall of 2011 I plan on attending Southern Arkansas University in Magnolia, Arkansas - In the fall of 2011 I plan to attend Southern Arkansas University in Magnolia, Arkansas

Then, I plan on transferring to the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville and becoming a graduate assistant for the Razorback football team. - Then, I plan to transfer to the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville and become a graduate assistant for the Razorback football team.

After doing the graduate + After graduation I will take - These two sentences start with After, please consider rewriting.

we have some of the same coaching aspirations - we share a few coaching aspirations

My main goal is to one day become the head coach of a renowned high school or college football team. This is my dream. - My main goal is to become the head coach of a renowned high school or college football team in future. This is my dream is awkward here.

The last paragraph needs to be refined more, i.e., in a smooth flow. The sentences should gel together properly. Also, please weed out the minor grammatical errors as :

The Al Davis Memorial Scholarship would help in reaching my goals. - The Al Davis Memorial Scholarship would help me in reaching my goals.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 11, 2011   #3
...test to receive earn my teaching certification.

The last paragraph needs to be refined more, i.e., in a smooth flow.

Good advice here. I'll work with it...

I have had the dream of becoming a football coach since my freshman year in high school.

I live by sports, as it they represent a big part of my life.

I have played varsity football for 3 years and have always wanted to provide coaching techniques and tools to young ...

I will teach my athletes not only football and other sports, but also how to become a good man or woman. men and women.

I want to give share my ability and knowledge I have about sports and help pass it on to with the next generation of athletes.

:-)


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