Hi Leigh, Let me see if I can help you out here.
The decision of mine to study Microbiology and Biotechnology at XYZ university and XYZ university and also XYZ university was prompted because from my researches, they are one of the best universities in Korea known for having an outstanding global academic reputation and strong ranking across many facilities .
- My decision to study ... at XYZ University... stemmed from the results of my research into the Korean universities that best represent the country's academic... across many educational institutions.
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I see a conflict of interests here. You should not mention that you have applied to more than one university in any statement that you write. These universities do not care about that. More likely, the admissions officer will regard your application as a nuisance application instead.Because of its, excellent environment, i wish to pursue my personal goals of percieving more about the field of microbiology and biotechnology.
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Which school are you talking about?Furthermore, I also researched about biotechnology and microbiology. I am very excited about genetic manipulation and curios to know more.
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Do you have any clinical or research results to add to this paragraph that will prove your claim?I will try my best to acquire high academic achievement over the time I stay in Korea .
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I am looking forward to learning from the Korean leaders in the field and I am also excited about developing an exemplary academic career during my stay in Korea.I will adhere strictly to time management, as that would help my perfomance academically. Moreover, I will not miss lectures. I will make sure to take my notes and review myself after and before every lecture(class) to asess my strengths and weaknesses
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Don't make promises you cannot keep. The admissions officer is not interested in student promises. All this sentence does is present you in a negative light because you are saying you used to do that but won't anymore.I also intend to gain a rich exposure by interacting anf networking with students, professors, and other staff who could guide me through the right path.
- and networking...
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Aside from that one word deletion and spelling correction, this is a strong sentence that shows how you plan to represent yourself as a student at the university.After my undergraduate study is over, I will make sure to further my studies to get more insight and extensive knowledge.I will try my best toget the best result to pursue my dream in the future when i finish my degree, iwill use all my knowledge to serve my country and the world's problem
- ... pursue my dream and use ...
While there are still portions of this essay that can be developed to a great extent, you did very well in delivering the idea of what you want to say in your essay. Just remember as you revise this paper that you are trying to sell yourself as an excellent candidate for the university and should therefore play up all of your strengths and avoid mentioning (potential) weaknesses. Good luck with your revision. I know the next version will be even better :-)